Next year I will be celebrating my 20th year in ministry. For all 20 of those years I have been involved in youth ministry. During my time as a youth minister I have seen time and time again Pastors, Youth Pastors, lay leaders, etc. sacrifice their family for the sake of ministry. I have had times in the life of my family where I was forced to do a reality check. Weeks where I was spending 80+ hours in ministry, convincing myself that it was the Lord’s work, therefore it did not matter if I was taking time from my wife. When I entered the ministry I knew it would not be easy, and likewise when I entered marriage I knew it would not be easy. I was a student pastor before I was a husband, and there are times when we can wrap our identity up into our ministry while failing miserably in our family. I have seen families crumble, kids miserable, wives on the brink of leaving and in some cases leaving, all because someone has failed to put their family in front of their ministry. We must stop.
I really wish I could write to you and tell you I had a great mentor, or a wise man that took me under his wing and showed me how to put my family first, but the truth of the matter is I did not. The truth is I did not have even a healthy marriage modeled for me, and early on in ministry I sought God’s word to see how I could be a Godly husband and father. I developed a plan that I knew I must stick to and it looked like this. God, family, ministry. My wife knew she was marrying a man that was in pastoral ministry, she knew there would be hard times, and late nights, she new we would never be rich. However, I am not so sure she knew how hard the times would be, how late those nights would get, or how little money we would actually have at times. Sometimes it is in the doldrums of ministry that life can seem so difficult. There is one things that I have repeated to my wife on a constant basis and that is this “if ministry ever takes place of my family, say the word and I will walk away.” That is not to say I would turn my back on God because I would not, but we must come to a healthy understanding that our first ministry is to our family. If we can’t effectively minister to our family how in the world are we going to minister in God’s church. I hate to sound crude but I believe stan at ties is using ministry to effectively destroy families and when a leaders family crumbles it is a terrible testimony to those outside of the church. The outside world should look at the church as lighthouse of hope however, when the church is getting divorced just as much then we have lost that hope. We have lost our voice. Friends the church is failing miserably and at an alarming rate to equip moms and dads not only on marriage but on how to raise their children. A sermon once or twice a year is not enough.
These are the reasons that I decided to constantly work on my marriage. My marriage is far from perfect, trust me I have had people peer deep into my life and deep into my marriage and say some very terrible things, often having no idea what they are talking about, this goes with being a leader. However the joy of marriage for me is that my wife is constantly changing as am I and there always seems to be something new to discover, and I love it. Very early on my wife and I decided we would attend marriage conferences and we have attended several over the course of our 16 years of marriage and we will attend several more. These conferences provide a great way for us to discover each other once again. In fact we are gearing up right now to attend one of those conferences September 21 and 22 we will be heading to Indianapolis to attend the real marriage conference. Though I may not agree with everything Mark Driscoll says or does as I am able to be discerning, at least he is doing something to try and keep our marriages healthy. If you would like to check out a video go here Real Marriage. If you would like to try to make it to the conference go here http://www.gotothehub.com/liveevents/real-marriage.
If you are reading this post then here is my challenge. Do not use ministry as an excuse to neglect your marriage. There is never an excuse.
I was reading this blog post tonight and it really spoke to me because this is where I am currently at in my life.
Thanks to http://timschmoyer.com
Last week in a conversation with my mentee, he asked, “How do you know if you’re called to ministry?” If we’re all honest, there have been times when each of us has questioned our calling to ministry, particularly during the difficult times. My mentee is not currently in that situation, but the issue of feeling “called out” of ministry is still a difficult one. When we go into vocational ministry, we often use language like, “God is calling me to serve at this church.” Or, when we leave one ministry position and go to another, we say, “God called me away from that ministry to this new one.” Sometimes we’re clearly over-spiritualizing a situation, sometimes not. But when we start to question the calling, let’s not confuse those emotions with ones of discouragement or insecurity. For example, if you had a lot of people encouraging and supporting you, would you still feel “called out” of ministry? If you felt affirmed by key people in your ministry, would your calling change? Remember, our calling into ministry does not come from people, nor should it be retracted by people. It comes solely from the Lord. If you’re doubting your call to ministry, don’t confuse it with feeling discouraged or insecure. Deep down, we all feel that in ministry.
Affirmation and encouragement are absolutely healthy and necessary things to have in your ministry, but never should we base a calling to ministry on the praise or opinions of others. Base your calling on the Lord’s direction in your life.