When It All Fades To Black

I can remember the words clearly like they were yesterday “when are you going to tell your wife” my counselor asked. What had I done? Did I have some sort of secret sin that no one knew about? Perhaps I had committed adultery like so many other pastors? Did I have some sort of moral failure? I had none of those. So what was the problem? To get to that, I have to back up a little bit.

My last few years of ministry had been what seemed like hell if that was possible. I had lost one of my closes friends in the church. I had spent hours pouring into this man, and he had done the same to me; we would have deep theological discussions, his family would hang out with my family, and we just had become close friends. My world would be turned upside down on November 3, 2018. On that morning, I not only lost one of my closes friends, I had done CPR on him and then had to go tell his wife and family. I never truly grieved that loss and never really dealt with it. I did like I always do. I pushed it down and hoped it would get better.

I am not going to go into all of the detail of that day, maybe another time, but it was a wound that was not dealt with. However, problems had started long before this time. I am not going to get bogged down into all of the details of what went on in my church; some people lived it with me, and I don’t know that anyone really knows everything that transpired because, frankly, I have kept them from it. Oh, sure, out of spite, I could release recordings, documents, and emails that were sent to me and things that were said to me, but what does that accomplish? Very little. Even though I have continued to be slandered afterward, I will not do the same. However, I have to give a little detail to get to the purpose.

So over the last few years, there were what seemed to be attacks on my character and a lot of gossip and untruthful things being said. Some of this, of course, began to get back to me and to be honest, I should have addressed it immediately, but I chose not to. I can still remember my conversations with people that were calling me to do something. I kept saying, “the Lord will defend me.” Finally, it had reached its breaking point, and I addressed issues the only way I knew how head-on in a meeting. Two of my friends had shown up early for that meeting; they had faithfully spent time praying over me, and I knew going in it might very well be the last time we would be in a meeting together. That was the case for one of them. Needless to say, the meeting did not go as I had prayed it would. A short time later, one of my friends would resign and leave the church. I had talked with him before I knew it was coming and understood his desire to care for his family. Please understand I am trying to be as general as possible here.

Eventually, another meeting was called, and it was apparent I would be put on the defensive in that meeting. I was asked to answer two full pages of accusations, some of them fairly ridiculous. I have read this document multiple times. I still have it. I wanted to make sure I did not misread it, but there is no misreading it. I am directly implicated for “most” of the problems. This document has remained private even though others have asked to see it. At the end of this meeting, another friend of mine resigned and left the church. Even though I knew I still had support and knew I had people who still loved me greatly, I immediately felt isolated and alone, whether it was true or not. In that final meeting, these words were said, “is there something that you need to tell us” I immediately knew this was a reference to my mental health and that I had started seeing a counselor. I readily admitted I was in a dark place, and now I felt that dark place would be used against me. This is the very thing that so many pastors fear and the very reason why they never share anything about what they are going through or the struggles they have. This meeting would lead to my resignation.

I resigned as pastor, and everything I knew and held dear seemed to be gone. Eight years of ministry went up in flames. I was hurting and reeling; the darkness only seemed to get darker as it closed in on me. I had nowhere to escape; my depression only got deeper, my anxiety became worse, and I struggled immensely. What was I going to do, I will eventually have no way to support my family, and all I know is ministry I started at 19. I sat there in my counselor’s office, and he said, “so when are you going to tell your wife” my response “I will tell her when it gets bad enough,” “so when is that? How do you know when bad is enough has been reached?” “I don’t know,” so “when are going to tell your wife” “I guess I will tell her today.” I was a man that appeared strong and what I am sure as came across as prideful, often overconfident, but I had been reduced to a pile of rubble. I began to justify in my own mind that it was ok to check out. After all, I had a life insurance policy my family would be taken care of. I am a believer, and glory awaits me. I can go to heaven and finally rest. I would not have to worry about dealing with this stuff anymore. That day I left my counselor’s office, and I came home and told my wife and asked her to hide my gun. Darkness had gained a temporary victory. It all had faded to black. The dark clouds that were once over my head had descended into my life; they gripped me so tight I feel I could not breathe.

So many pastors struggle with mental health, and they will never admit it. They will never tell anyone of their anxiety, of their struggles to trust in God, of their hurt. The pastor does not just have his own pain to deal with, but often the pain of those in his congregation, so multiply the pain times 50, the problems times 50, the struggles times 50. As they are busy dealing with everyone else, they fail to deal with themselves, and for many more than we probably realize, it becomes to late. They give in to addictions, to the lust of the world, and yes, some just give in altogether. They feel they have no one who understands, nowhere to turn, and it will only be used against them if they do open up. Even as I write this, I am sure I people will wonder why I would write such a thing. Don’t I know that no church will hire me because I just admitted that I am a weak and flawed person? My comeback is always the same. Then that is a church I would not want to go to anyway. I am weak, and until I embrace my weakness, I will never thrive in ministry. Christ is made strong in my weakness; it is in my weakness where the strength of Christ is fueled. I will not fight against it, but I will embrace it. I know that Christ will lead me to where he wants me I will arrive there right on time, and if that is where I am for now, then I embrace it and trust he will care for me.

Pastors should not feel isolated. They should not be afraid to admit their weakness, struggles, hurts, and heartaches. You see, it only takes one brief moment of weakness for a pastor to end their life. We have seen it in high-profile pastors I wonder how many we never hear about? It does not have to be this way. It is ok to love your pastor; it is ok to meet with him and try to understand and guess what it is ok not to agree and be ok with that understanding that he is the one God has called to lead. You can even still support him.

For whatever reason, at some point and time, we have got it stuck in our mind that individuals are called to defend the church against the pastor because the pastor, after all, is just going to ruin everything. This was the job that Paul gave to Timothy, an elder, not to some random churchgoer because they had been in the church for 50 years. Paul urged Timothy to protect the church against false teaching and to guard the faith he had entrusted to him.

Instead, pastors have been faced with a church bully, and this had led many pastors down some very dark paths as they witness the underside of those who stand against them. I am thankful for a counselor who has pushed me, has not allowed me to get away with just feeling sorry for myself, and has asked me tough questions. Though I am doing far better than I was, I know I am not entirely where I want to be. I know the Lord has a plan and a place for me to use my gifts. What breaks my heart is the number of pastors who are in a similar situation, and they are trying to just push through it all. I am afraid the darkness may overtake them. I have had many pastors thank me, and many reach out to me. But what about all of those who will never reach out to anyone?

If you are a pastor or anyone for that matter reading this and your struggling, you are not alone; others have our struggles, and though I doubt anyone will ever reach out, I just want you to know that if you need it reach out to me. I am not a counselor or therapist but I can listen.