Marks of a Victim Mentality

by Josh Monda | Dec 17, 2023 | Christianity, random thoughts, Uncategorized

Marks of a Victim Mentality

I am writing this blog post because, after some recent conversations, I concluded that it was needed. Perhaps it will help someone.

This post relies heavily on Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization by June Hunt. I have put much of what is said into my own words but I have used several charts etc from that book.

If you have ever read the book of Ruth, you will know that Naomi is facing difficult circumstances, and she only places the blame on God.

Naomi, who is bereaved and barren following the deaths of her two adult sons, is expecting resentment, apprehension, and uncertainty as she considers returning to Israel from Moab. Although she begs her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah, to seek refuge with their relatives, they remain steadfast in their determination to return to Israel in her company. … “No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!” (Ruth 1:13).

The two women are additionally compelled to depart by Naomi. Orpah ultimately makes the decision to return to her own family, whereas Ruth steadfastly remains. When Naomi sees how determined Ruth is, she gives up on her argument…

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.”

(Ruth 1:16)

All individuals who have experienced victimization have been profoundly affected by trauma. Many individuals frequently arrive at erroneous assumptions regarding their own self and the world around them. These erroneous ideas cause injured hearts to adopt flawed responses and habits that conceal their profound pain and construct barriers that hinder closeness with God.

However, the Lord compassionately utilizes setbacks and problematic relationships to expose underlying emotional issues. When God holds each of us responsible, His intention is to dismantle these barriers and restore wounded hearts in order to liberate those who are imprisoned.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free.”

(Luke 4:18)

Here is the question we must ask:

What Role Does Cultivating a Victim Mentality Play in Establishing Spiritual Barriers?

Upon the arrival of Naomi and her daughter-in-law, the town of Bethlehem is filled with excitement and commotion.

“… the women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’ ”

(Ruth 1:19)

Naomi finds it unbearable to think about the meaning of her name, which denotes sweetness or pleasantness. Mara, who is known to be bitter, appears much more suitable for her situation…

“ ‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them. ‘Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.’ ”

(Ruth 1:20–21)

People who adopt a victim mindset frequently think of themselves as spiritual…

I recently came across this chart, which I find to be helpful in understanding the characteristics of a victim mentality.

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Blaming God	“This is God’s fault.” “God is not fair!”	“He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he” (Deuteronomy 32:4)
• Harboring anger toward God	“How could God let this happen to me?” “God doesn’t care about me.”	“The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does” (Psalm 145:17).
• Refusing to trust God	“I can’t depend on God.” “I don’t believe in God.”	“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)
• Fearing God	“I’m afraid of God.” “I want to hide from God.”	“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)
• Doubting God’s Love	“God certainly doesn’t love me.” “I don’t deserve God’s love.”	“Great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever” (Psalm 117:2).

If these spiritual barriers are not addressed, they will isolate individuals from the truths found in the Bible, leading to the rapid development of a victim mentality.

( June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

However, more than just spiritual barriers are built we also see emotional barriers being built.

What is the connection between building emotional barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Naomi and Ruth, both widows, are currently without any companionship and are in a state of extreme poverty. They lack any means of sustaining themselves and must depend on God’s provision.

Instead of succumbing to despair and self-indulgence, Ruth conceives a plan which Naomi endorses. She will adhere to the tradition of the impoverished and trail the harvesters in the fields of her fellow Hebrews, collecting the remnants they leave behind. Ruth’s proposal instills hope in Naomi, as it offers the possibility of Ruth gathering sufficient grain to sustain their nourishment and prevent starvation. The final result will be determined by divine intervention.

“Ruth the Moabite said to Naomi, ‘Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor.’ Naomi said to her, ‘Go ahead, my daughter.’ ”

(Ruth 2:2)

Those who adopt a victim mentality frequently perceive themselves as emotionally fragile. Again, I found a chart that illustrates the different types of victim mentalities people may have from the past

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Bitterness	“I hate living in this family.” “I wish I were someone else.”	“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).
• False Guilt	“This is my fault.” “I must not tell; I’ll get in trouble.”	“You desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place” (Psalm 51:6).
• Shame	“Something must be wrong with me.” “I am a bad person.”	“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).
• Unforgiveness	“I’ll never forgive them.” “I wish they were dead.”	“… if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
• Fear	“What will happen to me if someone finds out?” “What if someone hurts me again?”	“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
• Hopelessness	“Things have never been good.” “Life will never get better.”	“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).
• Self-centeredness	“I never have fun or enjoy life like others do.” “It’s hard to think of anything but my unhappiness.”	“The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever …” (Psalm 138:8).

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

When left unchecked, these mental and emotional barriers block the light of God’s Word from reaching the heart and cause a victim mindset to set in.

We erect spiritual barriers, emotional barriers, and now we will see that we build relational barriers as well

So what is the correlation between building relational barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Amidst her sorrow and lack of clarity, Naomi is unable to comprehend that God is carefully arranging events for her benefit, and the key to this is her faithful companion, Ruth.

Ruth decides to gather leftover grain in a field owned by Boaz, who is a relative of Elimelech, Naomi’s late husband, in order to feed herself and her mother-in-law. He is a benevolent and noble guy, generously supporting and safeguarding Ruth in her endeavors.

Naomi’s desolate eyes brighten with a flicker of optimism upon learning the location where Ruth is gathering leftover grain.…

“ ‘The Lord bless him!’ Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. ‘He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead.’ She added, ‘That man is our close relative; he is one of our guardian-redeemers.’ ”

(Ruth 2:20)

You guessed it we have another chart.

Frequently, individuals who adopt a victim mentality perceive themselves as being relational.…

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Fear	“People are unsafe.” “I must protect myself.”	“Do not be afraid of anyone, for judgment belongs to God” (Deuteronomy 1:17).
• Distrust	“People are unreliable.” “I must guard myself.”	“… there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
• Anger	“People are perpetrators.” “I must avenge myself.”	“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
• Insecurity	“People are selfish.” “I must fend for myself.”	“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need” (Acts 2:44–45).

As survivors of abuse progress in their lives, they often surpass their flawed and juvenile perspectives on life. They discard their past and embark on a quest for satisfaction by pursuing individual objectives, such as devotion to God, matrimony, parenthood, professional advancement, financial prosperity, and other personal achievements.

Regrettably, the coping mechanisms that these individuals learned during their childhood to endure difficult circumstances persist as integral aspects of their personalities. These tendencies can solidify into impenetrable barriers surrounding emotional distress or injury, hindering self-awareness, vulnerability, and genuine closeness in relationships.

Although people who have been victimized as children seek for adult love… Frequently, embarking on a voyage inside their suppressed emotions appears excessively intimidating, and comprehending the concealed deceit feels profoundly intricate.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

(Jeremiah 17:9)

Why does cultivating fearfulness result in adopting a victim mentality?

Fear does not manifest spontaneously or independently. There is a factor that predisposes you to be influenced by fear, and there is a factor that activates that dread. The setup took place in the past, whereas the trigger happens in the present. Discovering the reality behind your fear will yield insight into the reasons for your current state of being controlled by fear and trapped in a mindset of victimhood.…

“Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.”

(Psalm 55:5)

I found this extremely helpful.

Past Setups for Fear

• Monumental Experiences

— Traumatic event

— Scary situations

— Abusive relationships

— Fearful role models

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and confront the reality of both past and present circumstances.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

• Emotional Overload

— Pent-up, unacknowledged feelings

— Unrealistic expectations

— Harsh, stressful environment

— Demanding, rejecting authority figures

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and seek God’s assistance in recovering from your emotional wounds.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

• Situational Avoidance

— Refusal to face fears

— Rejection of chances for change

— Reinforcement of fears

— Repetition of negative thought patterns

Recognize the underlying cause of your fear and permit the Lord to assist you in confronting your fears.

“I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).

• Dismal Outlook

— Anticipation of danger and disaster

— Expectation of frustration and failure

— Belief of lies

— Rejection of truth

Identify the underlying cause of your fear and confront yourself with the truth.

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Now let’s ask

What is the relationship between victimization and codependency?

Codependency is a predictable consequence of abuse, just like how day always follows night. They are often closely associated … and with good justification. The reciprocal relationship between these two elements perpetuates and confines individuals within a recurring and agonizing pattern… a pattern that God desires to disrupt in order to facilitate liberation…

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

(Galatians 5:1)

Here is some more helpful information to help you break free from this recurring and agonizing pattern.

Codependency

Question: “How are victimized children set up to become codependent adults?”

Response: Nobody consciously intends to develop emotional addiction. Love cravings frequently arise during childhood due to a lack of emotional nourishment, resulting in empty “love buckets”. These children may develop into adult individuals with a compulsive need for love and intimacy because they…

• Did not receive enough positive affirmation as children

• Grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure

• Experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding

• Felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned

• Experienced repeated rejection from their parents

• Felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness

Children who lack emotional fulfillment develop an imaginary belief in a rescuer who will alleviate their anxiety and ultimately provide them with a sense of completeness. As adults, they continue to exhibit emotionally dependent behavior reminiscent of “children” who …

• Believe that being loved by someone—anyone—is the solution to their emptiness

• Enter relationships believing the other person cannot take care of themselves

• Assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship

• Have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person

• Try to “stick like glue” to the other person in order to feel connected

• Live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them

The predicament of an individual addicted to love may appear insurmountable if not for the divine intervention of the Lord, who serves as the sole genuine deliverer, offering them boundless and everlasting affection. The Bible provides this guarantee …

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

Codependent Relationships

Question: “What draws people into destructive, codependent relationships?”

Response: Individuals who experience emotional dependency during childhood and fail to acquire the essential abilities for establishing mature, well-functioning relationships do not develop a healthy sense of interdependence.

— They have difficulty speaking the truth, asking for what they want, and setting boundaries.

— They become codependent adults who are addicted to unhealthy relationships because they never learned anything different.

— They are desperately in need of finishing what they began in infancy—to grow up emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually so they can mature relationally!

The Bible employs the analogy of newborns consuming milk instead of solid food to describe those who are not yet fully formed.

“Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.”

(Hebrews 5:12–13)

So now we ask

What is the underlying cause of a victim mentality?

Naomi, who previously experienced a lack of enthusiasm for life, now perceives a glimmer of optimism in the future.

According to tradition, the closest relative has the initial chance to purchase or “redeem” the property of a deceased individual. Naomi intends to sell a field that was owned by Elimelech. Boaz is considering purchasing the field, however, there is a closer relative who has the first right to acquire the property.

The man’s curiosity wanes upon learning that the legal deal entails obtaining ownership of the widow Ruth. Evidently, the property had been inherited by Ruth’s deceased husband, Mahlon, following his father’s demise. It is necessary “… to maintain the name of the dead with his property” (Ruth 4:5).

The kinsman rejects the full proposal, and Boaz acquires the land and marries Ruth. Naomi’s bitterness is alleviated as she welcomes the birth of her son, Obed.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“The women said to Naomi: ‘Praise be to the Lord, who this day has not left you without a guardian-redeemer. May he become famous throughout Israel! He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.’ ”

(Ruth 4:14–15)

Individuals who continue to be confined by a victim mentality do so as a result of a belief system that perpetuates their perception of being devoid of agency to effect change. Consequently, individuals sometimes exhibit a reluctance to assume accountability for their own process of healing and development.

• Wrong Belief:

“During my upbringing, I lacked the ability to alter the course of my life, and presently, I remain devoid of the capability to make any significant changes.” The events that have occurred in my life have shaped my identity, and I believe that I am not entitled to anything superior. Furthermore, I lack the necessary competence and proficiency compared to others, and the apprehension of being exposed as the unsuccessful individual I am inundates me.

Right Belief:

As a child of God, I possess the indwelling of Christ, endowing me with His transformative power. I relinquish my apprehension about failure and assume the duty to surmount my previous experiences, for I trust in the unwavering nature of God. He will accomplish the task! I have the ability to control and restrain all of my thoughts and initiate a systematic process of altering my mindset in order to achieve emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual well-being. I am resolute to …”

“… demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and … take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

I know I can do this because …

“His divine power has given [me] everything [I] need for a godly life through [my] knowledge of him who called [me] by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

Ultimately, we have to come to the conclusion that we must

Face Our Predicament

Pay careful attention to what I am about to write, as it holds the key to overcoming.

• Understanding that God allowed your abuse, but did not cause or approve of it, is of utmost importance! God harbors an intense hatred towards wickedness and violence and will eventually eradicate all forms of evil and malevolent actions. He will deliver an everlasting verdict upon those who persist in their wicked behavior.…

“I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless.”

(Isaiah 13:11)

• Yes, God allowed it, but…

— Realize that human will must always be separated from God’s will.

— It is important to differentiate between permitting sin and actively producing or endorsing sinful behavior.

— Understand that God will pass judgment on sin and individuals who commit it, according to His own timing and methods.

— It is important to remember that God did not intervene to save His Son from the hands of wicked individuals and their wicked actions. Instead, He permitted Him to endure a profoundly agonizing suffering of victimization and death.

— Take heart in the knowledge that, even if God allows evil, He has the desire and ability to save both those who harmed others and those who have been harmed by others. He want to rejuvenate them and utilize them to fulfill His divine objectives.

Reckon that life is nothing more than a vapor. Nevertheless, God intends to transform you into the exact likeness of His cherished Son, Jesus Christ, because He loves you as His own child.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.… For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.…”

(Romans 8:37–39, 29)

It is natural to question or distrust things that do not align with our perceptions or that we do not comprehend.

— It is normal to be perplexed when something unexplainable happens. Hence, when one becomes a victim, it is instinctive to question the divine, “Why?”

— Even righteous Job questioned God.… “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” (Job 3:11).

• In periods of uncertainty …— Remember that God has an infallible plan for your life that cannot be hindered by anything or anyone.…

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.… For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?” (Job 42:2; Isaiah 14:27).

— Remember that God is omniscient and is always preeminent in guiding your path. He consistently supports you with His hand.

“You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.… Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?… If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (Psalm 139:5, 7, 9–10).

— Remember that God’s methods are different from ours and His thoughts are far superior, making it impossible for us to predict His intentions or understand His approach.

“How great are your works, Lord, how profound your thoughts!… ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’ ” (Psalm 92:5; Isaiah 55:8–9).

— Remember that God loves you intensely and that He will produce positive outcomes from all the events that occur in your life, including the malicious actions carried out by wicked individuals.…

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

— Reaffirm the fact that God possesses unlimited power, complete knowledge, constant presence, absolute righteousness, and that He has a valid purpose for every event He permits in your life.…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2–4).

— Remember that you are a malleable substance under the control of God, particles shaped into a human being by your divine Creator, who intricately assembled you in your mother’s womb and documented every single day of your existence in His record even before they occurred.…

“Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again?… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.… all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Job 10:9; Psalm 139:13, 16).

Now Comes the difficult part

Ways to Pardon Your Perpetrator

Have you ever observed the presence of the word “give” within the term “forgiveness”? By opting to forgive, you bestow upon someone a valuable present… The gift of liberation from the obligation to bear the consequences of offending you… the gift of absolving the indebtedness owing to you! To effectively bestow this challenging “gift,” it may be necessary to progress through four distinct phases of forgiveness. However, it is important to acknowledge that by doing so, you are also bestowing onto yourself the invaluable present of “living without harboring resentments.” Indeed, that represents genuine liberty. Consequently, the Bible asserts …

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.”

(Leviticus 19:18)

The 4 Stages of Forgiveness

#1 Face the Offense.

Forgiveness is the only medicine that can soothe a wound that is deep, personal, unfair, and wounded. Initially, it is imperative to confront the reality of the actual actions that have taken place, without impeding genuine recovery by justifying or fixating on erroneous thoughts.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

(Ephesians 4:32)

• Avoid downplaying the offense by rationalizing: “Regardless of how poorly he treats me, it is acceptable.”

TRUTH: Poor treatment is unacceptable. There is just no justification for any form of mistreatment under any circumstances.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

• Resist the urge to rationalize the offender’s actions by saying that “he doesn’t mean to hurt me.Since he is a member of my family, I ought not to feel apprehensive or distressed in his presence.

TRUTH: Regardless of the offender’s age or our relationship with them, it is imperative that we label wrongdoing as “sin.” We must confront the reality rather than attempting to alter it. In order to grant forgiveness, it is necessary for there to exist an individual who is responsible for a wrongdoing.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent,’ will be cursed by peoples …” (Proverbs 24:24).

• Avoid the assumption that prompt forgiveness equates to complete forgiveness by believing: “Upon the occurrence of that dreadful ordeal, I expeditiously and entirely pardoned him.” “That is the instruction I have received!”

TRUTH: Numerous individuals with good intentions experience feelings of guilt when they fail to provide prompt forgiveness. Consequently, they exhibit a rapid propensity for forgiveness. However, they have not yet experienced the complete consequences of the offense nor properly mourned the true events. Sin’s profound consequences are not immediately experienced. Instead, its influence is experienced at various degrees across a duration of time.

Consequently, forgiveness must be offered at each of these levels. The act of quickly forgiving someone for profound hurts may appear satisfactory, but it does not constitute “complete forgiveness” until it has been offered at every level of influence. Prior to granting full forgiveness, it is necessary to confront the facts regarding the severity of the transgression and its lasting repercussions on oneself.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“You [God] desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.”

(Psalm 51:6)

#2 Feel the Offense.

Typically, we do not harbor hatred against strangers or acquaintances; rather, we just experience rage towards strangers. According to Lewis Smedes, the destruction of anything that was formed by our dedication and intimacy results in the destruction of something valuable. Deep, unjust suffering may elicit genuine emotions of indignation or even hatred. The deep-seated animosity towards a wrongdoer must be acknowledged and addressed from the depths of our own selves. Nevertheless, not every animosity is unjustifiable. God harbors a strong hatred towards evil.

“But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

(Psalm 109:21–22)

• Avoid suppressing your pain by rationalizing: “I don’t hold her responsible for constantly criticizing me… She is experiencing significant pressure, and it does not negatively affect me.

TRUTH: Experiencing mistreatment from a person you have strong affection for can be quite distressing. Experiencing pain is a prerequisite for the process of healing.

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

• Avoid harboring false guilt by believing that you should feel bad about what was done to you. “I’m not supposed to be hateful.”

TRUTH: Sin offends God. A hatred of sin is something you are capable of as well. Hatred of the sin is expected, but not of the sinner…

“To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech” (Proverbs 8:13).

#3 Forgive the Offender.

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.Alexander Pope’s well-known statement serves as a celestial reminder to all of us. But the real world operates more along the lines of “Mistakes are human, but blaming others is more human!” Isn’t it easier to place blame than to provide forgiveness? However, God asks us to extend forgiveness. And when you do forgive, it becomes authentic and brings you closer to God, transforming your life into that of Christ, the divine.

“You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”

(2 Corinthians 3:3)

• Create a list of all the offenses committed by your offender.

• At this moment, picture yourself with a hook affixed to your collarbone. And picture all of the suffering brought on by the wrong that was done to you, attached to the hook.

• Consider whether you genuinely desire to bear the burden of that pain indefinitely. It is desirable for you to relinquish the pain from your past and entrust it to the Lord.

• After that, put your offender on God’s hook and remove them from your emotional hook. Your wrongdoer will be dealt with by the Lord in His own time and manner. God declares…

“Bear with each other and forgive one another. if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

(Colossians 3:13)

Arguement: “I am unable to forgive and forget.” “I keep picturing myself getting hurt.”

Answer: A case of “holy amnesia” does not occur when an individual elects to forgive. However, once you have confronted the offender and confronted the suffering, refrain from replaying the agony of the past in your mind. You should forget your suffering. Avoid fixating on your pain.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” (Isaiah 43:18).

#4 Find Oneness.

Relationships that are characterized by animosity inevitably come to an end, while ones that are characterized by forgiveness ultimately succeed. Nevertheless, achieving reconciliation in a relationship, which involves restoring unity, depends on several crucial criteria. The foremost factor is that the wrongdoer must openly own their wrongdoing, feel genuine remorse, and exhibit tangible evidence of a transformed lifestyle. If these criteria are fulfilled, namely, if both parties demonstrate a steadfast dedication to adhering to the teachings of Christ and maintaining integrity in their relationship, there exists a genuine prospect for the restoration of unity and harmony between them.

The Bible says …

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.”

(Philippians 2:1–2)

Forgiving the Offender and the Offense

Question: “Must I extend forgiveness even in cases of grave wrongdoing?”

Answer: You are being requested to grant forgiveness to both the wrongdoer and the wrongdoing. Choosing an alternative course of action would include retaining both elements and experiencing the burden they impose.

“If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

(Matthew 6:14)

Remaining a Victim

Question: “Does the act of forgiving necessitate that I must persist in being a victim?”

Answer: Negative. Granting forgiveness to others liberates you from the unfounded guilt that is confining you.

“If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:15)

God Is with Us When We Suffer

Question: “Where was God when my abuse was occurring?”

Answer: Two of the attributes of God: omniscience (all-knowing) and omnipresence (being present everywhere). Though God never intends evil, He is present with us when we suffer. And, while He does not promise to take away suffering in this sinful life, He does promise to take it away in the life to come.…

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

(Revelation 21:4)

God Will Punish the Offender

Question: “Why doesn’t God punish the offender?”

Answer: He will punish the evil and exalt the innocent at His appointed time and in His appointed manner….

“… the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.”

(Psalm 37:17)

Trust God’s Love

Question: “How could a loving God allow this?”

Answer: Just as He does with His own Son, Jesus, the suffering that our heavenly Father permits serves a purpose and significance. Moreover, we can place our trust in the heart of God even when we fail to comprehend His methods. His love is certain and steadfast.…

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”

(1 Peter 2:21)

Releasing Bitterness When the Offender Is Dead

Question: “How can I let go of my bitterness toward my victimizer, who is now deceased?” is the question.

Even though you are unable to face your victimizer face-to-face, you can still indirectly confront them by speaking as though they were in front of you and saying what you would want or need to say.

* Think about the “chair technique.” Picture the individual in question sitting in a chair in front of you. Speak to them like you would if you were genuinely sat across a table from each other. Talk about how you feel about what was done to you and how those events have affected your life. After that, extend your forgiveness and clarify that you have moved the offending party onto God’s emotional hook.

• Write a letter to your victim, detailing every unpleasant memory. Read it over the person’s grave or in a place where you can openly speak to them as if you were in their presence. Then, at the end, choose to forgive by releasing your victimizer into God’s hands.

• Compile an inventory of both traumatic and joyful recollections. Return to the starting point and annotate each memory with the word “past” once the list is complete. Recognize and consent to the fact that the past has passed. As an act of volition, surrender the individual and all the anguish to God . Transfer the individual and their suffering from your personal emotional hook to God’s

Simply because your victimizer has passed away does not preclude you from forgiving and preventing resentment from developing in your heart and mind. The Bible declares…

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

Pastor Struggle With Mental Health Too

by Josh Monda | Oct 2, 2023 | Christianity, Church, Mental Health, pastor

Pastors Struggle With Mental Health Too

September was national suicide prevention month. There is a reason that I am drawing attention to this; more on that in a moment.

This post has been a while in the making. I have thought about what to say and even how to say it for months. I know the risk that comes with a post like this. While pastoring, I would often hear people say they would never share some of the things that I have been willing to share openly. I guess in my life, I have never been one to hide things or pretend to be someone I am not. I often think when reading some of the Apostle Paul’s letters about how vulnerable and open he was to anyone who would read what he had written. I believe that to share what I want to share, I have to also share about the past. I have no desire to go over in detail every little thing about my past, but I do have a desire to share some things that perhaps will help others or give clarity to others.

I learned how to hide my emotions as a young child, being the youngest out of four boys by a pretty good margin. I learned not to cry, or at least not to allow others to see me cry. Therefore, hiding my emotions became a coping mechanism. I won’t say that my childhood was terrible, but it had its struggles. My father was an alcoholic who would get drunk and be abusive, never towards me but towards others. Eventually, my mother divorced him. We never had money; my mother was a single mom doing the best she could to support us. I had an incident where a family member molested me a single time. I started to steal from my family and others so that I could ditch school and do what I wanted. I learned early to tap into my emotions and make every emotion anger. When my mother finally rremarried,my life straightened oout,but not my emotions. Anger was still the emotion that ruled my life. Add that to the fact that I could not stand if I felt something was an iinjustice,and you had a bad combination.

I remember I was thrown in jail because I got caught breaking into a house, and the judge let me off because my mom was marrying my stepfather. We moved to Missouri, and one of the first things that happened was a bigger kid was picking on a smaller kid, and so I felt the need to fight him. Welcome to Missouri in the sixth grade. Everything was taken to the extreme in my life. Emotions were constantly bottled up and turned into anger. When my stepdad kicked be around the brush pile because I was not working hard enough, it turned into anger, and I decided I would never be called lazy again. This would be repeated throughout my life. I would rebel against common thought or authority, which would lead to something negative, which would lead to me justifying my anger.

I was in high school when I heard a sermon on “gentle Jesus.” The pastor said that if we were struggling with anger, we could give it to gentle Jesus, and he called us to be gentle like Jesus. I desired to be gentle. I thought I had surrendered my anger to Jesus to become more gentle, but I only learned to hide it better. My anger did not come out physically, but it came out in other ways. I could use my mind and tongue to dice you up very quickly. Nevertheless, I felt God calling me into ministry even though I did not know Christ as my savior.

I became a student pastor at 19 years old I had the opportunity to watch God do amazing things in my ministry. I could recall story after story of watching the Lord get a hold of teenagers lives and seeing their lives changed by the gospel. My life was also changed because, as a student pastor, I believe for the first time the gospel made sense to me and I gave my life to Christ. When I started ministry, I was also attending Bible College at Hannibal LaGrange University. As a young student pastor I did not know much and was an arrogant punk, but I can remember clearly one time someone went up to a person I had been witnessing to and proceeded to speak poorly about me. This man came and told me this and said he would never step foot in a church that treated one of their pastors that way. Early on I saw how ugly ministry could be. I never had the desire to go to seminary, so I knew that when I graduated, my desire would be to try to go straight into ministry. The Lord saw fit to bless me with that. My first exposure to full-time ministry was not terrible. I can remember when interviewing sitting down and picking out things for a modular home we were told was going to be built for us, but it never actually but it was not without major issues either.

I can remember sitting down and picking out things for a modular home we were told was going to be built for us. Needless to say we were surprised when we showed up and had to try to find a place. We were at the church for less than a year when the pastor resigned. From there, we had to navigate the challenges of finding a new pastor to lead our church, and this took roughly 3 years. My early years in ministry, I was putting in crazy hours between coaching basketball or volleyball, teaching Bible at the Christian school, and being the student pastor. There were weeks I had put in over 80 hours. This eventually took its toll on my body and landed me in the hospital. In our time in PA we saw the lord bless in many ways we had kids from all backgrounds in our student ministry, and we were reaching kids that I am sure many thought were never possible to reach. However, I let my guard down, and the enemy used the opportunity to sift me. During a long-drawn-out process, I had met with the elders of our church numerous times and was asked to read a statement that really was not entirely forthright nor completely true but I agreed to it in order to “keep the peace”. This was supposed to end in giving me a 5 week sabbatical. However, in the middle of a business meeting where I read my statement and was supposed to be given a sabbatical, an untrue accusation was made against me from the stage that I knew I would not be able to recover from. It became clear that the only way forward was to resign. I had people that I thought were my friends walk into elders meetings and say things about me that were not only untrue but cruel. I had letters read about me that were hit pieces that were untrue and cruel. I was accused of many things from making decisions that were only about drawing attention to myself (because I purchased items with money I made outside of ministry) to the one that stung the most: I didn’t love my own child. I would endure comments that were meant to hurt and not build up.

In order to save face, I was given a choice: either resign and not have any pay or insurance for my pregnant wife, who was due in a few weeks, or let them fire me and keep my insurance and get paid. I trusted in the Lrod, held my ground, and made it clear that I would be resigning. Again, to save face, the announcement was made that they “asked for my resignation”. This was my first taste of spiritual manipulation and abuse. For the first time, I felt the sting of those that I thought loved me, and it felt awful. I did not know what to do with these feelings, so I did what I always did: I bottled them up and said I “gave them to the Lord”, and secretly they became anger.

I had nowhere to go, no job, and did not know what to do. I loved in with my mother and our two children. For 3 years, I heard people doubt my call to the ministry, people telling me to just quit, others shocked. I had not quit, but I was convinced God had something in store.

During this time, I got involved in our church, started helping in the student ministry, and once again saw the Lord bless. I watched students confess sin to one another without prompting and witnessed them love one another in profound ways. One night I delivered a message and watched as kids again confessed sin and served one another for hours. God was doing work. I was not the student pastor; I was the intern student pastor, but had the joy of watching the Lord work. Once again, it would all come to an abrupt end. Our lead pastor left and came to illinis, our student pastor that we had eventually hired left and came to Illinois; and when it was time to hire a new lead pastor, it was clear I would not have the opportunity to be the student pastor. (I do not hold this against anyone; these were not my decisions to make.) I knew the Lord would lead, as he always had.

Sure enough, he did. I received a call from a church in Illinois asking if I would be interested in being their student pastor. After interviewing and meeting the church, I was brought in as their student pastor. I and my family have never been loved on like this church loved on us. They showed me so much grace; they consistently sought ways they could help. We were so blessed. Again, I watched God do some really amazing things in the lives of students and even adults. But again, it would not last. I began to receive calls from a church in central Illinois. I was asked to submit my resume numerous times, and eventually I reluctantly did so.

I knew the Lord was leading, but I did not want to go. I did my homework, which made me not want to go even more. I knew it was going to be hard ministry, and I struggled to find any positive reason to pack up my family and move them. I can still recall saying these words: “if you think I am going to pack up my family and leave a church that loves us greatly to come to a church that will not love us then I do not want to come.” Needless to say, the vote was overwhelming, and I ended up here. However, during that time, I had asked someone in leadership at my former church to keep it quiet until I could make the announcement, and I was very hurt when I found out they had already told the personnel committee. What did I do? Once again, I bottled it up.

From the beginning, I began to pray that God would send me the help I needed to get the job done. Before I even came to the church, I was pulled aside by a church member and told “You better watch those deacons; they run the church”. One of my first battles was when I was shown a pastoral agreement after I had already agreed to come. The agreement was repeatedly revised because I would not sign it. Eventually we got to the point where I stated something to the effect that I would sign it but that I would not be held to it nor should they expect to hold me to every part of it. I was here a week when someone walked into my office proud of a scathng letter they had sent to the Chamber of Commerce that only made our church ridiculous. I was not even the pastor a few months ago when I had to call someone into my office for gossip about their pastor in the hallway. I endured endless jabs that called into question my credibility, my faithfulness, and my ability as a pastor, over and over again, things would be said and played off as jokes. Countless times gossip would be heard directly or get back to me to the point where I had to ask my secretary to just start telling people she was going to share everything people were saying with the pastor. However, even in all of this, the Lord was faithful; he did send me encouragers. Though we were not growing by huge numbers, we did add members year after year and some of them became my strongest encouragers. It finally got to the point where others began to notice that something was wrong.

People would come to me about comments that were being made that were not biblical or encouraging; sometimes they would ask me questions that showed me they were searching the scriptures, like “Why don’t we have elders”, I had comments made from people that they had “learned more from me than any other pastor they have had I was greatly encouraged when I knew the people were searching the Scriptures. Through the years I got to see people come to faith in Christ, and I got to baptize people. I got to see amazing things, and unfortunately, I had to endure the attacks of the enemy. How did I handle this? I bottled it up. When people would ask, “Why don’t you defend yourself?” I always said the Lord is my defender. I would say that if I am faithful to preach His word, he will take care of the rest. He always did and that was easy to say but hard to live. As attacks were ramped up and as I began to catch people either talking about me, or my family, things began to get back to me that were outright lies and as a small minority began to plot for ways to get rid of me I began to reach my breaking point.

I called a meeting to address some of the issues and to call out sin. That meeting did not go well. I then watched a meeting get called without me being present, and I received a call from one of my deacons that he was resigning and leaving the church. This wasn’t because of me. I was told point blank, “Pastor, they are going to fire you and they will not stop until they do.” I was crushed. I sat in another meeting and watched someone say they had done nothing wrong and had nothing to repent of and I walked out of the meeting with another deacon, who then walked back in and resigned. I received emails and letters filled with false accusations and unfounded statements. Telling me that I was in a dark place of my own making. Accusations that I wanted elders so I could be in control when it was clear I wanted elders so I was no longer in control I experienced gas lighting for the first time in my life and I watched as one of our church members sat out front and gossiped about their pastor and how sometimes the best thing for the church is if they get rid of their pastor and that the church would grow if they only got rid of him. Despite my repeated warnings that people would leave, they pushed forward. I could write pages on pages of everything; these things only touch the surface to get me to the point of pastors struggling with mental health.

When I knew there was no way forward and I had to resign, the only thoughts in my head were, “you are a failure. I watched as one of my close friends was called a liar in the middle of a business meeting. I could not help but think, is this what these people have learned after 10 years of your teaching? Over and over again, like a beating drum, “you are a failure; you are failure as a pastor, a failure as a husband, a failure as father. You moved your family here for what? To be abused for 10 years, then quit.” I was overcome with darkness. The harder I tried to escape, it seemed, the worse it got. To add to it my close friend was dead. I felt alone and abandoned. Even now, I ask myself, where are all those people who called you friends? No one calls; no one says anything; I am just invisible. You see Pastors are not supposed to think like this. They are not allowed to think like this and they for sure can’t admit it. Pastors are not allowed to have depression or bad thoughts. I know the risk of writing this I know someone is going to tell me “no one will ever hire you to be a pastor now”, I realize I probably have said some hard things and even some things that no one knew, but if I help one pastor or one person, is helped I don’t care.

Listen carefully. I allowed the opinions of men to dictate my worth. I allowed the opinion of those few people who did not even know their scripture anyway to send me to a dark place. I allowed their comments, their feelings, their words, and their hatred to cause me to not want to take another breath. I started experiencing dissociative behavior, and the hardest day for me as a husband and father was the day I had to go home and ask my wife to hide my gun from me. Why? Because I no longer wanted to live. I had never struggled with depression before. I was good at hiding those emotions, bottling them up and turning them to anger. However, in those moments, my will to die was outweighing my will to live. I began to experience things that I never experienced before. Hours would go by and I had no clue what I had done or accomplished. I had moments where I would be frozen in a thought and be unaware of my surroundings, and if I did not have a counselor that pushed me to be honest, who knows what would have happened?

You see, I know it’s not just pastors that play this game, but pastors bottle things up. No one knows their struggle, their pains, their heartaches. They are afraid that if they share those things, they will lose their job. If they confess their sin, they will no longer be pastoring. So they hide it. They put a smile on their faces, and they carry on. The problem is that they carry on until it’s to late, and there is nothing to carry on. They get to the point where they can no longer go on and they end their life. Sucidal thoughts are real and they are real dangerous. Thoughts of wanting to end it all should not be taken lightly. My counselor asked me “how far is to far, how do you know when you have reached the limit?” Unfortunately, we don’t know until it’s to late. That is why there are stories all the time of pastors taking their lives. Pastors struggle with mental health too. I write this so we would wake up. I write this so that we would stop and think about how we treat our pastors, that we would allow them the freedom to be who they are, and that instead of saying we would be there for them, we would actually be there for them. I write this so that maybe just maybe one pastor would read it or one person would read it and understand that there is a way out of the darkness, that you do not have to remain there, and that your worth is not determined by the parishioners in your church, who can be cruel, but by the Lord, who sent His own son to die for you.

Surrender To His Divine Placement

by Josh Monda | Dec 12, 2022 | Christianity, Church, pastor

A few years ago I was preaching through 1 Corinthians and one of my messages was titled “The Call to remain where planted”. If I am honest the sermon has been on my mind daily over the last few weeks, in fact, I have not been able to get it off my mind. We all have a plan for our lives, but sometimes it may not be God’s plan for us. It can be challenging to let go of what we’ve mapped out and accept His divine placement. Surrendering to His divine placement is an essential part of our spiritual journey, as it allows us to experience life in more meaningful ways and helps us grow closer to God.

In that message I talked about remaining where God has called you. God, in his infinite wisdom, has set you up in your current social circle and even in your current position. Now, this is not arguing that a person who was a prostitute or an adulterer, or a porn addict before conversion should continue in those roles afterward. The concept that sin is being tolerated or treated lightly in these verses is ludicrous, especially in light of Christ’s remarks to the adulterous woman at the well: “go and sin no more.”

I think what is difficult is when we go through a difficult circumstance in our life especially after we have felt God leading us to a certain place to understand that our place in this world is not just some matter of chance but rather it has been assigned to us by the Lord. In fact, Paul uses this word over and over again it is the word “called” and 1 Corinthians 7:17 he uses it like this “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.” (1 Corinthians 7:17 ESV). The word called is not meaning like a vocation but rather this word calling is the Holy Spirit’s calling on the life of a person to enter into fellowship with Christ. So what Paul is saying here as plainly as I can tell is this “stay in the state you were in when you were converted when you were drawn by God remain in THAT spot. Because that is assigned to you by God. Remain where you are because God in his sovereignty has placed you there socially so stay there. I think on the ministry of Jesus and all of the times that Christ had people stay it is this same principle remember when he healed a demon-possessed man in Mark 5 the man wanted to go with Jesus and Jesus told him to stay back. The idea is that you are called at a particular time in your life in a particular culture and you have been placed there by God to uniquely prepare you for the ministry God has for you.

Now here is the thing I don’t like that. I am sure often you don’t like it either. We don’t like to think that God has planned the things that have come into our lives all for his purpose. We don’t like to think that God has planned things our before the foundations of the world because we want to think that we are somehow in control of everything that goes on. But the truth is that nothing comes into your life that has not first crossed the desk of the ruler of this universe. Now we can say well I don’t like that and that is fine God does not need you to like it but I want you to know I take great comfort in it.

Do you know why? Because it means that God is not taken by surprise with anything that comes into my life. God is not wringing his hands and saying “well I was going to bless Josh but I can’t now because he has ruined it.” It does not work that way. You say well how do you know? Well let me tell you how I know because His word is clear let’s read it Romans 8:28-38

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, (Romans 8:28–38 ESV)

Listen God has planned all things including all things surrounding the circumstances of my salvation and your salvation it does not happen by chance but by God’s plan. God is in control and there is never a time when he is not. That is why I love these words to Victory in Jesus “He sought me and He bought me” I did not seek him he sought me no man seeks him. I was dead in my sin and he breathed new life in me. I was at the bottom of the Ocean unable to take a breath and Jesus dove to the bottom and rescued this dead man. That is the very picture of Lazarus. It is a picture of salvation Lazarus was a dead man there was no mistaking it he was dead, dead and Jesus showed up and called dead Lazarus to life and Lazarus had no choice but to come forth out of the grave. That is us. We are dead, dead and when he calls our name we have no choice but to come forth.

We get confused because we want the Christian life to be a social revolution but it is a spiritual regeneration. Jesus had plenty of opportunity to change where people were socially he spoke with soldiers and poor people. rich people, slaves, taxpayers, and people from all walks of life and he could have said you need to leave this life but he didn’t. Christianity is not about social reform, I am not saying it does not have an effect on society as it most certainly does. However, a relationship with Christ can occur in any society and is not dependent on our social standing. You can be a man, woman, married, single, divorced, widowed, a Jew, a Gentile, a free person, a slave, a democrat, a republican, a libertarian, whatever. You can be in a democracy, an anarchy, or a dictatorship, you can be in China, Japan, Cuba, Iran, or America it does not matter you can be a Christian because it is not societal dependent it is internal. You should be the best Christian that you can be wherever you are no matter your social standing. Christianity is not about revolutionizing society. Now let me be clear as Christians we are to be active in society. We know how we are to treat the poor, the unborn, the widows, the hungry, the naked, and the wounded. As Christians, we have a social responsibility to always seek justice in society, and to speak the truth of God against injustice, and unrighteousness. However, society will never be transformed by a social gospel or social institution but only by the proclamation of the gospel that will lead to changed lives.

What Paul is getting at in 1 Corinthians 7 is that who we are is nothing, and God’s commands are everything, so don’t change anything. Stay where you are planted and be obedient to him until he moves you. Paul is showing that what matters the most is obedience to God’s commands and they are so much more important than the cultural distinctives. In other words, do not make a big stinking deal about the culture, but instead, make a big deal about obedience. Do not run around wringing your hands about the cultural distinctives thinking you must conform to them because they are of little importance to God but what is important is your obedience. What matters the most is the reality behind the ritual. Here is the danger we find ourselves in sometimes we are more committed to the outward appearance than we are to the inward reality. Then we end up having this false standard of spirituality, saying well really spiritual people will do such and such and we base it on what is external as opposed to really spiritual people will follow Christ and simply be obedient to him, therefore, experiencing the joy of Christ and therefore glorifying the father. Because regardless of what we think, it is always about him.

Our social standing or where we are even located is so inconsequential to God. When we follow Christ all of the externals are stripped away it does not matter your social standing it does not matter whether you are a doctor, a lawyer, or a sanitation worker none of it matters. It does not matter whether you are white, black, brown, red, purple etc, none of that matters, there are no class distinctions in Christ. What matter is that we all who are truly followers of Christ are slaves to Christ. You are now a part of the household of Christ. And this is why we can look at our social standing and say never mind it. We are under the Lordship of Christ he is our master we are his slaves and his Lordship over us is all that matters and it relativizes all other social statuses. How is it possible that everything comes into submission to Christ? How is it possible that we are free, but yet we are slaves of Christ?

Because we were bought with the blood of Christ therefore we shall not be slaves to men. The focus is not on us being bought but on the price that we are bought with. to bring us into Christ’s possession. We are saved by the blood of Jesus Christ that was the price that was paid for us. We are redeemed He paid for you with His life. His life was given for your life. Now you are God’s special possession, redeemed from slavery and bondage of sin. Now as his special possession what matters most is staying close to him and bringing him glory so we don’t go around saying poor me, or I am not high society or I am too low on the totem no! Stay close to God and be in His presence giving him glory. Because the temptation is to seek to please men.

How often do we become men-pleasers instead of God Pleasers? How often do we not say something, not do something, or how often do we say or do something only because we know it will please men and not because it will please God. How often do we stop and think in our lives if what we are about to say or do will glorify God or will it glorify someone else? Why would we seek the esteem of men or the praise of men by conforming to what they value the approval of God is your goal and not the esteem of men then you will seek to glorify him no matter the circumstance and no matter where he has placed you. You will not be consumed by your circumstances because you will understand there is a difference between joy and happiness and that happiness is fleeting and circumstantial but Joy is not and can come only when we are satisfied in him and he then is Glorified in us. Because it is in those moments that we realize it is not about us. That we were bought and our obedience to him is what matters.

Sometimes I find myself questioning God. I say things like this “God why did you bring me here to waste eight years of my life? Did I really make any difference? I have nothing to show for coming here. I am lonely. Am I done? Is there ministry for me anymore?” these are just a few things that cross my mind on a consistent basis. All of those things have the same thing in common. They focus on my circumstance and not God. I can live for God no matter where I am at, I can serve him as long as he gives me the opportunity. I do not need my circumstances to change I need to draw close to him. Someone else’s circumstances will always be better or even worse. There will always be a pastor that has not had to walk through what I had to walk through and there will be those who have walked through far worse. I can either glorify God or not no matter my circumstance and so can you. You see our issue is not our circumstances our issue is with God.

However, what is also so great about surrendering to his divine placement is that it is not always absolute. By that I mean this god does sometimes change our circumstances. Tax collectors became preachers, fishermen became missionaries, and slaves have been set free. The Corinthians were questioning what they needed to leave behind when coming to Christ and Paul is responding with you do not need to abandon your job or where you are socially he is showing that God is concerned with being satisfied in him. We need to be satisfied in Christ not in social standing.

One of the hardest things for us to do at times is to trust in God’s sovereignty. We often wonder if we are where we are supposed to be but as long as you are there then it is where you are supposed to be. I am not talking of sin but I am speaking of Job, social standing, living place, etc. You are not where you are by accident the Lord directs your steps, his purposes will be established. His purpose will not be thwarted. You are where you are by God’s divine appointment and our job is to be satisfied in Him until he moves us. May we surrender to his divine placement.

In His Providence the Lord Gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord

by Josh Monda | Sep 22, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, pastor, Uncategorized

My struggles have been deep as of late. I am thankful they have not turned too dark but have been genuine and often sad. I have learned over this last year that one can hold two emotions simultaneously, so you can be sad yet have joy, and it is ok.

In his providence, God led us to leave Marion, Illinois, and move to Washington, Illinois. In his providence, he allowed me to pastor a church only to later take it away. In his providence, he brought some incredible men into my life only to take them away. I do not have to understand; I only know he gives and he takes away. The question is will I bless his name?

I don’t know why I have struggled so hard in these last few weeks focussing on all I have lost. Friends who are gone, a ministry left in shambles, feelings of being abandoned, wondering if I really have any friends (locally anyway), longing for something more in my relationships with others than what I have, the hurt is real. Still, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I remember the day I met George. He walked in and sat in the back of the church on the right-hand side. He could not really hide; we were a small church, and he was a large man. My mind drifts back to that day, often to our conversation, to me asking if he had a family. I still remember him saying, “I listened to some of your sermons online, and I had to come to verify if this place was real.” I told him that I hoped he found what he was looking for, and he did. I do not know that I have ever grown so close to someone so fast. I would talk with him multiple times throughout the week, have his family into my home and share things I had not shared with others. I could sit down and have a deep theological conversation or sit down and talk about nothing at all; it did not matter. George was that kind of friend. I remember the joy in my heart and being so thankful that God would bring someone to me that was such an encouragement. But the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I will never forget that day. I can remember every detail of the day; sometimes, I can still smell that day and still feel the coldness of that morning. I remember the run I had that morning. I remember having some coffee with the guys; I remember being outside and the tree falling into the neighbor’s yard. The one memory I have never been able to shake is when George said, “hey Sean, where is your bathroom?” I think back to that moment over and over again. Often with tears in my eyes, and even though I know I would not have stopped what was about to happen, I wonder what if I would have at least said something. What if I had asked if he was ok? What if I had not waited so long to check on him? Did he know what was happening when he walked into that bathroom and collapsed? Was it fast? Did he know I love him? What were the thoughts in his mind? You see, I will never forget that day. It is etched in my mind. Me telling him I was coming in, and no response. Us breaking the door down and administering CPR. I can still hear the count in my head; I still remember the breaths that I gave; it was like it happened yesterday. Yet I come to this conclusion the Lord gives, and he takes away. I often ask God why he would take away a friend like George, and I have no answer. Will I bless the name of the Lord?

Bill Sexton walked into our church on a Wednesday in a suit. I was in shorts and a t-shirt. I introduced myself as the pastor. I remember his first words to me, “Do you preach on the sovereignty of God in this church” I remember thinking that is an odd question. My response? “Is it in the Bible,” to which he responded, “yes,” to which I replied, “then I preach on it?” He said he and his wife would be back on Sunday, but I did not believe it. Sure enough, there they were that Sunday. Then the Sunday after that, then the Sunday after that, and they just kept on coming.
To Bill, age did not mean anything. It did not matter that he was far older than I; he still would ask me how to handle something, and he still asked me what I thought. He was an intelligent man, constantly studying and reading. Bill never missed a chance to encourage me. Time and time again, he would encourage me sometimes on Sunday; after the message sometimes, he would call me midweek just to encourage me. Bill would tell me on the phone he loved me, and I had no problem saying it back. Often he would say it was his job to be an encouragement to me. I can remember Bill saying that he wanted to be like Aaron or Hurr, who held up the hands of Moses. He felt it was his job to hold up my hands even if I could not hold them up any longer. Every pastor needs a man like Bill. A man who will walk through the fire for you, a man who will stand and fight the battles everyone else is afraid of fighting. However, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

Bill got sick and ended up in the hospital; he went from the hospital to a nursing home, where I was finally able t see him. He was not good, but he still encouraged me. he went from the nursing home back to the hospital. I tried every trick i Could think of to see him and could not get in due to covid restrictions. When Bill got covid, it was all downhill from there. They finally let me in to see him with his son, and they finally let his wife in to see him as well. I remember when I first walked in, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

I could not think of anything this man would need to apologize for, but Bill always felt he could have done more. If you know him you, this is true. I will never forget the day they said if he were to go on a ventilator, he had about a 5 percent chance of coming off. I explained this to him and asked what he wanted to do. He decided to go on his own terms and in the strength of the Lord. I remember whispering in his ear that it was ok to go home. As the end drew close, I went to his bedside and held his hand. I held his hand a lot in those last days, and I was standing there holding his hand; he drew his last breath and stepped into glory. This man that told me he wanted to hold my arms up when I could not lay there as I held his hand. God gave me the privilege to know him, and the privilege to be there with him when he drew his final breath. His battle on earth was done. The Lord gives, and he takes away will I bless the name of the Lord?

I recent weeks, these thoughts have often entered my mind. I have moments of extreme loneliness where I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I am a highly social person, and I have often asked the Lord why he would give these men only to take them away. I have cried many times, praying for someone to come into my life like either of these men. Sometimes just wishing I had someone to hang out with or a guy to invite over with his family for a cookout sometime, just anything. Then I discovered I am unwilling to take a risk, that I am so afraid of losing that I will even make excuses for other people as to why I won’t ask them over or to do something.

You see, being a pastor, sometimes I think people feel like they kind of have to invite you over or ask you to do stuff with them, but what happens when you are no longer a pastor? What happens when you are just a regular guy, and no one really seems to notice you? No one seems to care, and no one is really vying to spend time with you. The invitations stop, you begin to wonder if you have the plague or something you do not even here from your own denomination; no one checks up on you even when they know what you are going through. These are things I have rarely, if ever, been faced with. Perhaps I feel alone because I am alone; perhaps I feel like I don’t belong because, at this moment, I don’t belong. Maybe that day will come when I do. Perhaps the Lord will one day grant me, someone, to step into my life once again. For now, In His providence, the Lord gives and takes away. May I fight to say blessed be the name of the Lord?

Where Is The Accountability For The Church?

by Josh Monda | May 22, 2022 | Christianity, Church, pastor, random thoughts, Uncategorized

In recent years there has been plenty of talk about holding the leadership of churches accountable, and rightfully so. The leader who abuses their power and who seeks to fleece the flock should always be held accountable for their sin. Even if that accountability does not take place on earth, we can take comfort in the fact that God will hold all leaders to a special kind of accountability; this is made clear in the book of James, where we read, “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1). Honestly, I do not know of any pastors who desire to be biblical who would make an argument for no accountability in leadership; in fact, most of them have made the opposite argument. In fact, this is one of the great benefits of a plurality of elders having a group of men qualified to be elders holding one another accountable. That is really not what I want to deal with here. I do not want to deal with what happens when the pastor is abusive, but what happens when the pastor is the one being abused? I read this tweet that was put out last year “For every horror story you tell me about a pastor who abused his leadership, I can tell you ten about leaders who abused their pastor.” There is an abundance of truth in that tweet.

Why is there so little written about this subject? It almost seems like this is the deep dark sin of the church that no one wants to talk about. I look around at many friends, acquaintances, and people I know who are no longer pastors; most of them will never return to the ministry, and granted, I am only hearing one side of the story, but from all intensive purposes, the problem was not their leadership it was not that they were abusive to their church, but often they were the ones being abused. They were not being abused by the church as a whole but being abused by a select group of power players in the church that had it out for them for one reason or another. In recent months I have read one story after another of pastors being abused; some of these stories are horrific; when I have read them, I could not help but think this is not how Christians are to act. Pastors coming back from sabbaticals to find out they are fired. Small groups of enraged members propagate disinformation and falsehoods to congregations to remove a pastor from any position of power or moral authority (in my case, it is still happening). Stories of pastors pouring their lives into person after person, only for those people to take the pastor’s services for free and then ghost the pastor for the tiniest reasons. What happens if for every story we have of a pastor abusing authority, there are ten pastors who are being abused. I see friends who are beaten, battered, and bruised by the sheep they were leading,, and it breaks my heart.

What happens to these churches? If the leader is abusive, he will often lose his job, resign in shame, and will never enter the ministry again, or they will just go somewhere else and do it all over again; when the church is abusive, guess what the same thing happens. The pastor often resigns in shame and leaves the ministry, never to return again. Where is the accountability? Apparently, there is not any. What is the recourse? Apparently, there is none. Perhaps my view is a bit jaded because I am one of those pastors, but this is why I set out to read as much as I could and talk to some people that had left their church. The story is almost always very close to being identical.

Someone in the church gets upset for one reason or another; this person wields power for whatever reason in the church often because they are the main giver, or they have been there the longest, or they are the gossiper, or whoever it might be. Sometimes it is all of these people coming against the pastor. I wonder if we will ever launch a study on this? Probably not because that would mean a black eye. Anyway, the pastor resigns, the troublemaker in the church gets their way, the pastor loses what seems like his whole way of life, and the church just acts like nothing happened. Sometimes in my denomination, some people will sweep in and do all they can to rescue this church. This is probably because this is far easier than reprimanding the church; after all, the church gives money, and the pastor doesn’t. I am thankful that I initially received some help, but I know that is not the norm. Sure the church may be known as “the church who runs pastors through the meat grinder,” as one deacon said to me, but does that matter? Does it matter when sin is not addressed? Does it matter when they continue to go one like they always have? Does it matter when they get to blame their sin on others or pretend like sin was not the issue?

In the meantime, the pastor has lost his whole way of life. He does not get to be with those other pastors that he at least thought were his friends. His community is gone, and he is no longer using the gifts that God has given him to serve the kingdom, primarily the gift of preaching/teaching. The pastor feels isolated, lonely, and sometimes without hope. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, months turn to years, and this calling that so gripped his soul is somehow gone. Maybe he wants to continue on, but he is afraid things will just turn out the same, and so it is easier to just give up. Here is my question? For these churches that are part of a denomination, why are they allowed to just keep doing the same thing over and over again? Why is there no accountability for the church? Why doesn’t anyone step in to the gap and address the issue? Why are they allowed to just blame it on the pastor and move on? Why do we indulge this kind of behavior? Do we really believe that they will not answer for this sin in the end? Do we really believe that the right way to handle it is to pretend like there is no problem and move on? Do we really believe that by aiding in their sinfulness, we won’t answer for it? Seemingly we do.

I can remember the day I told my children Iwas resigning one of my children innocently said “but dad who is going to tell them about Jesus” and on that day another one of my children checked out from church. Over the course of the next several days I could hear it in the questions they were asking. They could not understand why Christians would act this way “so these people now for whatever reason hate dad?” In some respects I appreciated the comment as it told me they saw me different than those making accusations. In another way though I knew they began to check out. I pray for them daily that they will be drawn back in.

I recently went on a pastors retreat and heard a message on pastoral perseverance where the message was speaking about the slow death that pastors are called to die and these things left me weeping and in tears as I thought of my own slow death that would eventually come.

From 2 Corinthains 4

1. Pastors die at a different rate based on circumstances

The harder the ministry context the quicker the death comes. Do not compare yourself to each other. Do not compare your death to someone else’s death. The body keeps the score.

2. Pastors have different capacities to die

We are all made differently. We all have different thresholds that we can endure. You can’t compare your capacity with another.

3. Pastors are given what we need to not lose heart as we die.

This will push us to the brink but it will not destroy us. V.1 He will not spare us from the death because it is part of his plan that we die but he will be with us to allow us to die well.

4. Pastors thrive in this death by embracing weakness

V . 7 Christ is most strong in us in our weakness it is our weakness that fuels the strength of Christ. Do not fight against the death but embrace it.

Brother pastor, if you have stumbled across this blog and you have rad this far you may be hurting I want you to remember the cross always precedes the crown. It is hard to suffer abuse of power, but the chief pastor willingly suffered the abuse of power on a hill called Calvary, and we are his undershepherds, and honestly, we should expect no less. There is a day coming when the injsutices against you will be made right. If you are not a pastor and you have read this and you know your pastor or of a pastor being abused I would beg of you do all you can to stop it. I was able to find a few articles on this subject they are linked below if you would like to read more.

Is Your Church Committing Pastor Abuse? 5 Warning Signs

https://www.christiancentury.org/review/books/how-dying-churches-abuse-pastors

If you are a pastor in an abusive church, please know that you are not alone

How to have hope amid grief

by Josh Monda | Jan 21, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, Uncategorized

How to have hope amid grief

We can have hope amid grief. A grieving person can experience fear, anger,
guilt, and depression. A grieving person may also feel that they are being
judged by others who think that their loss was not as significant or
painful as someone else’s. It is essential for a person experiencing grief
to find people they can open up to about their experiences with loss. This
will help them explore their emotions and find meaning in their
experiences with grief.

How to have hope amid grief

1. The Meaning Of Grief
2. What are some of the effects of grief?
3. Denying Grief
4. How can we work our way through this grieving process?
5. Truths to Remember
6. The Skills Needed

The Meaning Of Grief

The word grief is a derivative of the Latin verb, which means “to burden.”
It is probably the most intense, complex, and prolonged human emotion that
we know of, and it cant be narrowed down to an exact science.

Grief is the only human experience that we must enter voluntarily. If you
think about all other human encounters, they happen to us. Grief is a
choice that we must make. The reason that we choose grief is it helps us
heal. Grief heals, restores, and redeems. Grief changes and transforms
things in our life that have gone badly. Grief is the only place we can go
to get comfort when things in our life go wrong. We have this fantastic
reminder by Solomon concerning grief in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

It is better to go to the house of mourning

than to go to the house of feasting,

for this is the end of all mankind,

and the living will lay it to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

Grief is where we must go if we are to ever get over our losses; it is
where we must go if we will ever let go. If we want to have room for new
and better things, we must let go and free our souls from the painful
past. If we do not release our losses, we will be stuck emotionally and
spiritually. It does not mean that we forget; it means that we let go.
Otherwise, we will be tied to someone dead and if they are a loved they
would not want that, someone who is unavailable, someone who will never be
able to give us the approval that we long and yearn for and are even
trying to earn, or we will be tied to a fantasy of what we think life
should look like. Whatever this tie is, it is an emotional tie to
something from that past, and it keeps us stuck in our present life.

We are a people who are designed to have finality. We finish things, so
when it comes to grieving losses and pain, we learn to be sad so that our
hearts can one day enjoy happiness. We cry and say the words to get the
loss and pain out.

In grieving, we make this conscious effort to release our attachment to
people, goals, wishes, religious/family systems, or whatever it might be
that we can no longer have.

We so often fail to recognize that we are a people who are made to do
things in community. Grief is no exception to that we need to grieve in
community, and yet so often, we find that we grieve alone. We need to
grieve in community to have the love, support, and comfort we desperately
need in our losses. When we do not have that support, we get stuck in
despair because we do not have a love of others to hold us up enough for
us to let go of our losses. We also need structured activities as part of
grieving things like support groups or a time, space, and place where we
can be heard, empathized with, understood, and supported to give us the
necessary support to engage in the process of grief.

The scriptures tell us, “And taking with him Peter and the two sons of
Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My
soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.”

(Matthew 26:37–38 ESV. Jesus says that His soul was very sorrowful even
unto death if that is not grief, I don’t know what is.

What are some of the effects of grief?

1. Common emotions that are involved in grief

– Bitterness

– Emptiness

– Apathy

– Love

– Anger

– Guilt

– Sadness

– Fear

– Self-pity

– Helplessness

– Hollow

2. Our bodies reflect the grief with physical symptoms like

– Tightness in the chest

– Heart palpitations

– Dry mouth

– Shortness of breath

– Hollowness in the pit of the stomach

– Disrupted sleeping and eating patterns

3. There are some symptoms of normal grief.

– Distorted thinking patterns; irrational or fearful thoughts

– Feelings of despair and hopelessness

– Out of control or numbed emotions

– Changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.)

– Increased irritability

– Increased talking or even reduced communication

– Memory difficulties

– Inability to concentrate

– Obsessive focus on a lost loved one

– Losing track of time

– Increased/decreased appetite

– Increase/decrease sexual desire

– Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

– Dreams in which a deceased loved one visits the griever

– Nightmares that often include a theme of death

– Increase in occurrence of physical illnesses-headaches, stomach
aches, flu, etc.

– Shattered beliefs about God, life, the world, purpose, etc.

4. Grieving includes “mourning.”

– Mourning is derived from the Latin word that means “to be anxious.”

– Mourning is the process of remembering and recalling what was lost.

– It usually causes us to feel anxious or uncomfortable; this is why
we often want to avoid the process.

– Grief is often described in terms that show it is a process

– Stages – We do not pass through stages sequentially

– Phases – Phases often overlap that are rarely distinct

– Tasks – This is usually a more accurate depiction of the process
and implies that the mourner needs to “take action” and “do something.”

5. Grief has a purpose

– There is an expression of experiential feelings about a loss

– It is a protest at a loss as well as a desire to change what
happened and have it not be true

– We acknowledge the effects of the devastating impact of a loss

– The primary purpose of grief is to experience the reactions to face
the loss and begin adapting to it. The only authentic was out of fried is
through it.

– Anyone going through grief must be encouraged to do their work. It
can be postponed or delayed even, but when that happens, the result is
ultimately depression (I know this to be true)

– What often happens when grief is delayed is that instead of feeling
sadness, you feel apathy and a general numbness.

Denying Grief

Denying grief is where so many people land, and for some reason, this
seems common in the Christian world and even more common among pastors.
When we are not encouraged or allow ourselves to go through a grieving
process where we allow the “little deaths” of our losses, our world, and
our relationship are ultimately impacted. So we have this idea that we are
“raising above” our hurt, and instead, we are in denial that we have even
been hurt. So we are refusing to acknowledge and mourn our losses, but
this will eventually surface. When we carry unresolved into future
expereinces and relationships, there will be unrest, conflict, and ongoing
depression. There is also often delayed anger. This is because anger is
far easier to experience than sadness, so anger becomes our go-to. Sadness
keeps our hearts soft towards God and will help prevent eventual
hardheartedness. When we deny sadness, we lose touch with who God is and
His tenderness and His giving of grace. We move into areas where we become
insensitive and cannot feel grief and remorse even over our sin. We are
not a people created to hand the existence of both good and bad in the
same space; God allows sadness as a way for us to deal with our hurts and
our disappointments.

Whenever we deny our need to grieve, we are refusing to say goodbye to
people we love, places, missed opportunities, disappointments, youth,
vitality, health, relationships, or whatever had been “taken away” from
us. This refusal to grieve serves to condemn us and makes us rigid.
Genuine grief is the deep sadness and weeping that expresses the
acceptance or our inability to do anything about our losses and what id
found in every human being’s life. Grief is a reminder to us that we are
not in control of our lives like we think we are or believe we are. When
we are sad, it shows that someone or something matters to us, and we
choose to invest in that person or experience. Shattered commitment has
come at a great cost. There are some things we should understand about
grief.

A. It is intensely person; we cannot compare our process with anyone else.

B. Is difficult work not to be done in isolation.

C. It allows us to make necessary changes in order to live with our losses
in a healthier manner. Our goal is to move from “Why did this happen?” to
“How can I learn through this experience.

Why is a search for meaning and purpose in the loss

How is a search for a way to adjust to the losses

D. Grief will take longer than we expect. It will intensify on the
anniversary etc.

How can we work our way through this grieving process?

1. Make a list of your losses and their effect in your life.

2. Daily statements to say to yourself

3. I believe my grief has a purpose and an end

4. I am responsible for my own grieving process

5. I will not be afraid to ask for help

6. I will try not to rush my recovery process

7. I choose to face the loss and feel the pain, knowing it will end

8. I recognize that the waves of pain will be alternated with lulls
of rest

9. Consider inviting others into your grieving process by sharing
about your loss with them.

10. After you make your grief/loss inventory consider sharing it with
a safe friend or a family member or counselor. Sharing each loss with a
trusted person enables you to honor the relationship, experience, dream,
and have another human validate your experience. This makes it a shared
encounter, not one done in isolation.

11. Have a ceremony as a part of releasing that thing that you need
to get rid of. This will honor the loss and empower you to move forward.

12. Connect with the pain of the loss, which will pave the way to
connecting to the care available to you.

13. Talk about the past, your losses, crushed dreams, and poor
reactions to those hurts. Be willing to be embarrassed, vulnerable,
broken, and needy.

Truths to Remember

found these truths to remember, which I wanted to share.

• The past can’t really impact us, but our present feelings about the past
can.

– If we don’t expose the things of the past to the light of God’s
truth and love through the grieving process, they remain in the darkness
and are essentially alive today, creating fruits of darkness in us.
Disconnected from the transformative power of God’s love and light, they
take on a life of their own and impact present relationships.

– Confession of the past brings experiences to light and opens us up
to transformation. Eph. 5:11, 13 reminds us to “Have nothing to do with
the fruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them…everything
exposed by the light becomes visible.”

– We must know what happened to us, name the sin, be honest about
what we have done, what others have done to us, and name the guilty
parties for us to know who and how to fully forgive. Looking at our past
opens (often re-opens) our souls and memories so that we can accurately
see what we have lost, who was not enough, and how we are trying to make
up for those broken losses in our lives today.

– These truths don’t change the past, but they do redeem it.

– Instructing people to forgive and forget creates great disregard
for the brokenhearted, abused, neglected, and tormented. God highly values
his broken, hurting individuals and commands us to come alongside them to
offer them love, compassion, and healing from their families.

– If our heart is frozen in grief (or we refuse to lean into the
grieving process), we cannot experience the feelings and emotions God
designed us to feel. Many individuals experience “frozen grief” as
depression. Sadness and anger (major components of grief) need somewhere
to go. If we express them and let go of them, we have made room for fresh
experiences and increased joy.

The Skills Needed

Just “moving on” is not enough. Leaders especially need to pay attention
to their losses, to recover and learn from them. In my reading I found a
list of skills that have to occur before we can move on from grief.

1. Connect in a vulnerable way: As much as possible, bring your
losses to relationship. The more you relegate grief to your alone time,
the longer it will take. The more “people time” you allow, the less time
it will take. My therapist told me to make sure I was around people more
often.

2. Value what is no more: don’t dismiss or devalue what you lost it
is easy to say that person was toxic so good riddance. However if that is
our attitude we will never full work through it. Instead, and I know how
hard this is but put some value on the good parts. So that person was
toxic, but they were nice to puppies 🤣.

3. Be sad and say goodbye: Allow yourself to feel the sadness of
losing someone or something. Say goodbye and mean it.

4. Extend forgiveness. Be willing to cancel the debt. What I mean by
this is when someone has wronged you don’t become bitter. You do not have
to forgive them but you must guard your heart and be ready to forgive if
repentance happens. Be ready to cancel the debt.

5. Replace: Don’t make an idol of the lost person or thing. Find
those people who will help you replace whatever contribution it brought to
you.

6. Learn: Losses teach us something about the future. Write down what
you have learned that will help your life moving forward. Then you can use
that memory bank in the future.

7. Adapt: Loss is a reality. Don’t argue with reality, adapt to it
and learn to live well.

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