Pastor Struggle With Mental Health Too

Pastor Struggle With Mental Health Too

by | Oct 2, 2023 | Christianity, Church, Mental Health, pastor

Pastors Struggle With Mental Health Too

 

September was national suicide prevention month.  There is a reason that I am drawing attention to this; more on that in a moment.

 

This post has been a while in the making.  I have thought about what to say and even how to say it for months.  I know the risk that comes with a post like this. While pastoring, I would often hear people say they would never share some of the things that I have been willing to share openly.  I guess in my life, I have never been one to hide things or pretend to be someone I am not.  I often think when reading some of the Apostle Paul’s letters about how vulnerable and open he was to anyone who would read what he had written. I believe that to share what I want to share, I have to also share about the past.  I have no desire to go over in detail every little thing about my past, but I do have a desire to share some things that perhaps will help others or give clarity to others.

 

I learned how to hide my emotions as a young child, being the youngest out of four boys by a pretty good margin. I learned not to cry, or at least not to allow others to see me cry.  Therefore, hiding my emotions became a coping mechanism. I won’t say that my childhood was terrible, but it had its struggles.  My father was an alcoholic who would get drunk and be abusive, never towards me but towards others. Eventually, my mother divorced him. We never had money; my mother was a single mom doing the best she could to support us.  I had an incident where a family member molested me a single time. I started to steal from my family and others so that I could ditch school and do what I wanted. I learned early to tap into my emotions and make every emotion anger. When my mother finally rremarried,my life straightened oout,but not my emotions. Anger was still the emotion that ruled my life.  Add that to the fact that I could not stand if I felt something was an iinjustice,and you had a bad combination.

 

I remember I was thrown in jail because I got caught breaking into a house, and the judge let me off because my mom was marrying my stepfather. We moved to Missouri, and one of the first things that happened was a bigger kid was picking on a smaller kid, and so I felt the need to fight him. Welcome to Missouri in the sixth grade.  Everything was taken to the extreme in my life. Emotions were constantly bottled up and turned into anger. When my stepdad kicked be around the brush pile because I was not working hard enough, it turned into anger, and I decided I would never be called lazy again.  This would be repeated throughout my life.  I would rebel against common thought or authority, which would lead to something negative, which would lead to me justifying my anger.

 

I was in high school when I heard a sermon on “gentle Jesus.” The pastor said that if we were struggling with anger, we could give it to gentle Jesus, and he called us to be gentle like Jesus.  I desired to be gentle. I thought I had surrendered my anger to Jesus to become more gentle, but I only learned to hide it better.  My anger did not come out physically, but it came out in other ways.  I could use my mind and tongue to dice you up very quickly. Nevertheless, I felt God calling me into ministry even though I did not know Christ as my savior.

 

I became a student pastor at 19 years old I had the opportunity to watch God do amazing things in my ministry. I could recall story after story of watching the Lord get a hold of teenagers lives and seeing their lives changed by the gospel.  My life was also changed because, as a student pastor, I believe for the first time the gospel made sense to me and I gave my life to Christ. When I started ministry, I was also attending Bible College at Hannibal LaGrange University. As a young student pastor I did not know much and was an arrogant punk, but I can remember clearly one time someone went up to a person I had been witnessing to and proceeded to speak poorly about me.  This man came and told me this and said he would never step foot in a church that treated one of their pastors that way. Early on I saw how ugly ministry could be. I never had the desire to go to seminary, so I knew that when I graduated, my desire would be to try to go straight into ministry. The Lord saw fit to bless me with that.  My first exposure to full-time ministry was not terrible. I can remember when interviewing sitting down and picking out things for a modular home we were told was going to be built for us, but it never actually but it was not without major issues either.

 

I can remember sitting down and picking out things for a modular home we were told was going to be built for us. Needless to say we were surprised when we showed up and had to try to find a place.  We were at the church for less than a year when the pastor resigned. From there, we had to navigate the challenges of finding a new pastor to lead our church, and this took roughly 3 years.  My early years in ministry, I was putting in crazy hours between coaching basketball or volleyball, teaching Bible at the Christian school, and being the student pastor. There were weeks I had put in over 80 hours.  This eventually took its toll on my body and landed me in the hospital.  In our time in PA we saw the lord bless in many ways we had kids from all backgrounds in our student ministry, and we were reaching kids that I am sure many thought were never possible to reach.  However, I let my guard down, and the enemy used the opportunity to sift me. During a long-drawn-out process, I had met with the elders of our church numerous times and was asked to read a statement that really was not entirely forthright nor completely true but I agreed to it in order to “keep the peace”. This was supposed to end in giving me a 5 week sabbatical.  However, in the middle of a business meeting where I read my statement and was supposed to be given a sabbatical, an untrue accusation was made against me from the stage that I knew I would not be able to recover from.  It became clear that the only way forward was to resign. I had people that I thought were my friends walk into elders meetings and say things about me that were not only untrue but cruel.  I had letters read about me that were hit pieces that were untrue and cruel.  I was accused of many things from making decisions that were only about drawing attention to myself (because I purchased items with money I made outside of ministry) to the one that stung the most: I didn’t love my own child.  I would endure comments that were meant to hurt and not build up.

 

In order to save face, I was given a choice: either resign and not have any pay or insurance for my pregnant wife, who was due in a few weeks, or let them fire me and keep my insurance and get paid.  I trusted in the Lrod, held my ground, and made it clear that I would be resigning.  Again, to save face, the announcement was made that they “asked for my resignation”. This was my first taste of spiritual manipulation and abuse. For the first time, I felt the sting of those that I thought loved me, and it felt awful.  I did not know what to do with these feelings, so I did what I always did: I bottled them up and said I “gave them to the Lord”, and secretly they became anger.

 

I had nowhere to go, no job, and did not know what to do. I loved in with my mother and our two children.  For 3 years, I heard people doubt my call to the ministry, people telling me to just quit, others shocked. I had not quit, but I was convinced God had something in store.

 

During this time, I got involved in our church, started helping in the student ministry, and once again saw the Lord bless.  I watched students confess sin to one another without prompting and witnessed them love one another in profound ways.  One night I delivered a message and watched as kids again confessed sin and served one another for hours. God was doing work. I was not the student pastor; I was the intern student pastor, but had the joy of watching the Lord work.  Once again, it would all come to an abrupt end.  Our lead pastor left and came to illinis, our student pastor that we had eventually hired left and came to Illinois; and when it was time to hire a new lead pastor, it was clear I would not have the opportunity to be the student pastor.  (I do not hold this against anyone; these were not my decisions to make.) I knew the Lord would lead, as he always had.

 

Sure enough, he did. I received a call from a church in Illinois asking if I would be interested in being their student pastor.  After interviewing and meeting the church, I was brought in as their student pastor. I and my family have never been loved on like this church loved on us.  They showed me so much grace; they consistently sought ways they could help.  We were so blessed. Again, I watched God do some really amazing things in the lives of students and even adults.  But again, it would not last.  I began to receive calls from a church in central Illinois.  I was asked to submit my resume numerous times, and eventually I reluctantly did so.

 

I knew the Lord was leading, but I did not want to go.  I did my homework, which made me not want to go even more. I knew it was going to be hard ministry, and I struggled to find any positive reason to pack up my family and move them.  I can still recall saying these words: “if you think I am going to pack up my family and leave a church that loves us greatly to come to a church that will not love us then I do not want to come.” Needless to say, the vote was overwhelming, and I ended up here. However, during that time, I had asked someone in leadership at my former church to keep it quiet until I could make the announcement, and I was very hurt when I found out they had already told the personnel committee. What did I do? Once again, I bottled it up.

 

From the beginning, I began to pray that God would send me the help I needed to get the job done.  Before I even came to the church, I was pulled aside by a church member and told “You better watch those deacons; they run the church”. One of my first battles was when I was shown a pastoral agreement after I had already agreed to come.  The agreement was repeatedly revised because I would not sign it.  Eventually we got to the point where I stated something to the effect that I would sign it but that I would not be held to it nor should they expect to hold me to every part of it.  I was here a week when someone walked into my office proud of a scathng letter they had sent to the Chamber of Commerce that only made our church ridiculous.   I was not even the pastor a few months ago when I had to call someone into my office for gossip about their pastor in the hallway.  I endured endless jabs that called into question my credibility, my faithfulness, and my ability as a pastor, over and over again, things would be said and played off as jokes. Countless times gossip would be heard directly or get back to me to the point where I had to ask my secretary to just start telling people she was going to share everything people were saying with the pastor. However, even in all of this, the Lord was faithful; he did send me encouragers. Though we were not growing by huge numbers, we did add members year after year and some of them became my strongest encouragers.  It finally got to the point where others began to notice that something was wrong.

 

People would come to me about comments that were being made that were not biblical or encouraging; sometimes they would ask me questions that showed me they were searching the scriptures, like “Why don’t we have elders”, I had comments made from people that they had “learned more from me than any other pastor they have had I was greatly encouraged when I knew the people were searching the Scriptures. Through the years I got to see people come to faith in Christ, and I got to baptize people.  I got to see amazing things, and unfortunately, I had to endure the attacks of the enemy.  How did I handle this? I bottled it up.  When people would ask, “Why don’t you defend yourself?” I always said the Lord is my defender.  I would say that if I am faithful to preach His word, he will take care of the rest.  He always did and that was easy to say but hard to live.  As attacks were ramped up and as I began to catch people either talking about me, or my family, things began to get back to me that were outright lies and as a small minority began to plot for ways to get rid of me I began to reach my breaking point.

 

I called a meeting to address some of the issues and to call out sin.  That meeting did not go well.  I then watched a meeting get called without me being present, and I received a call from one of my deacons that he was resigning and leaving the church. This wasn’t because of me. I was told point blank, “Pastor, they are going to fire you and they will not stop until they do.” I was crushed. I sat in another meeting and watched someone say they had done nothing wrong and had nothing to repent of and I walked out of the meeting with another deacon, who then walked back in and resigned. I received emails and letters filled with false accusations and unfounded statements.  Telling me that I was in a dark place of my own making.  Accusations that I wanted elders so I could be in control when it was clear I wanted elders so I was no longer in control I experienced gas lighting for the first time in my life and I watched as one of our church members sat out front and gossiped about their pastor and how sometimes the best thing for the church is if they get rid of their pastor and that the church would grow if they only got rid of him.  Despite my repeated warnings that people would leave, they pushed forward.  I could write pages on pages of everything; these things only touch the surface to get me to the point of pastors struggling with mental health.

 

When I knew there was no way forward and I had to resign, the only thoughts in my head were, “you are a failure. I watched as one of my close friends was called a liar in the middle of a business meeting. I could not help but think, is this what these people have learned after 10 years of your teaching? Over and over again, like a beating drum, “you are a failure; you are failure as a pastor, a failure as a husband, a failure as father. You moved your family here for what? To be abused for 10 years, then quit.”  I was overcome with darkness. The harder I tried to escape, it seemed, the worse it got. To add to it my close friend was dead.  I felt alone and abandoned. Even now, I ask myself, where are all those people who called you friends? No one calls; no one says anything; I am just invisible. You see Pastors are not supposed to think like this. They are not allowed to think like this and they for sure can’t admit it. Pastors are not allowed to have depression or bad thoughts. I know the risk of writing this I know someone is going to tell me “no one will ever hire you to be a pastor now”, I realize I probably have said some hard things and even some things that no one knew, but if I help one pastor or one person, is helped I don’t care.

 

Listen carefully. I allowed the opinions of men to dictate my worth.  I allowed the opinion of those few people who did not even know their scripture anyway to send me to a dark place. I allowed their comments, their feelings, their words, and their hatred to cause me to not want to take another breath. I started experiencing dissociative behavior, and the hardest day for me as a husband and father was the day I had to go home and ask my wife to hide my gun from me. Why? Because I no longer wanted to live.  I had never struggled with depression before. I was good at hiding those emotions, bottling them up and turning them to anger. However, in those moments, my will to die was outweighing my will to live.  I began to experience things that I never experienced before.  Hours would go by and I had no clue what I had done or accomplished. I had moments where I would be frozen in a thought and be unaware of my surroundings, and if I did not have a counselor that pushed me to be honest, who knows what would have happened?

 

You see, I know it’s not just pastors that play this game, but pastors bottle things up.  No one knows their struggle, their pains, their heartaches.  They are afraid that if they share those things, they will lose their job. If they confess their sin, they will no longer be pastoring. So they hide it.  They put a smile on their faces, and they carry on. The problem is that they carry on until it’s to late, and there is nothing to carry on. They get to the point where they can no longer go on and they end their life. Sucidal thoughts are real and they are real dangerous.  Thoughts of wanting to end it all should not be taken lightly.  My counselor asked me “how far is to far, how do you know when you have reached the limit?” Unfortunately, we don’t know until it’s to late. That is why there are stories all the time of pastors taking their lives.  Pastors struggle with mental health too. I write this so we would wake up. I write this so that we would stop and think about how we treat our pastors, that we would allow them the freedom to be who they are, and that instead of saying we would be there for them, we would actually be there for them.  I write this so that maybe just maybe one pastor would read it or one person would read it and understand that there is a way out of the darkness, that you do not have to remain there, and that your worth is not determined by the parishioners in your church, who can be cruel, but by the Lord, who sent His own son to die for you.

 

In His Providence the Lord Gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord

In His Providence the Lord Gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord

by | Sep 22, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, pastor, Uncategorized

My struggles have been deep as of late. I am thankful they have not turned too dark but have been genuine and often sad. I have learned over this last year that one can hold two emotions simultaneously, so you can be sad yet have joy, and it is ok.

In his providence, God led us to leave Marion, Illinois, and move to Washington, Illinois. In his providence, he allowed me to pastor a church only to later take it away. In his providence, he brought some incredible men into my life only to take them away. I do not have to understand; I only know he gives and he takes away. The question is will I bless his name?

I don’t know why I have struggled so hard in these last few weeks focussing on all I have lost. Friends who are gone, a ministry left in shambles, feelings of being abandoned, wondering if I really have any friends (locally anyway), longing for something more in my relationships with others than what I have, the hurt is real. Still, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I remember the day I met George. He walked in and sat in the back of the church on the right-hand side. He could not really hide; we were a small church, and he was a large man. My mind drifts back to that day, often to our conversation, to me asking if he had a family. I still remember him saying, “I listened to some of your sermons online, and I had to come to verify if this place was real.” I told him that I hoped he found what he was looking for, and he did. I do not know that I have ever grown so close to someone so fast. I would talk with him multiple times throughout the week, have his family into my home and share things I had not shared with others. I could sit down and have a deep theological conversation or sit down and talk about nothing at all; it did not matter. George was that kind of friend. I remember the joy in my heart and being so thankful that God would bring someone to me that was such an encouragement. But the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I will never forget that day. I can remember every detail of the day; sometimes, I can still smell that day and still feel the coldness of that morning. I remember the run I had that morning. I remember having some coffee with the guys; I remember being outside and the tree falling into the neighbor’s yard. The one memory I have never been able to shake is when George said, “hey Sean, where is your bathroom?” I think back to that moment over and over again. Often with tears in my eyes, and even though I know I would not have stopped what was about to happen, I wonder what if I would have at least said something. What if I had asked if he was ok? What if I had not waited so long to check on him? Did he know what was happening when he walked into that bathroom and collapsed? Was it fast? Did he know I love him? What were the thoughts in his mind? You see, I will never forget that day. It is etched in my mind. Me telling him I was coming in, and no response. Us breaking the door down and administering CPR. I can still hear the count in my head; I still remember the breaths that I gave; it was like it happened yesterday. Yet I come to this conclusion the Lord gives, and he takes away. I often ask God why he would take away a friend like George, and I have no answer. Will I bless the name of the Lord?

Bill Sexton walked into our church on a Wednesday in a suit. I was in shorts and a t-shirt. I introduced myself as the pastor. I remember his first words to me, “Do you preach on the sovereignty of God in this church” I remember thinking that is an odd question. My response? “Is it in the Bible,” to which he responded, “yes,” to which I replied, “then I preach on it?” He said he and his wife would be back on Sunday, but I did not believe it. Sure enough, there they were that Sunday. Then the Sunday after that, then the Sunday after that, and they just kept on coming.
To Bill, age did not mean anything. It did not matter that he was far older than I; he still would ask me how to handle something, and he still asked me what I thought. He was an intelligent man, constantly studying and reading. Bill never missed a chance to encourage me. Time and time again, he would encourage me sometimes on Sunday; after the message sometimes, he would call me midweek just to encourage me. Bill would tell me on the phone he loved me, and I had no problem saying it back. Often he would say it was his job to be an encouragement to me. I can remember Bill saying that he wanted to be like Aaron or Hurr, who held up the hands of Moses. He felt it was his job to hold up my hands even if I could not hold them up any longer. Every pastor needs a man like Bill. A man who will walk through the fire for you, a man who will stand and fight the battles everyone else is afraid of fighting. However, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

Bill got sick and ended up in the hospital; he went from the hospital to a nursing home, where I was finally able t see him. He was not good, but he still encouraged me. he went from the nursing home back to the hospital. I tried every trick i Could think of to see him and could not get in due to covid restrictions. When Bill got covid, it was all downhill from there. They finally let me in to see him with his son, and they finally let his wife in to see him as well. I remember when I first walked in, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

I could not think of anything this man would need to apologize for, but Bill always felt he could have done more. If you know him you, this is true. I will never forget the day they said if he were to go on a ventilator, he had about a 5 percent chance of coming off. I explained this to him and asked what he wanted to do. He decided to go on his own terms and in the strength of the Lord. I remember whispering in his ear that it was ok to go home. As the end drew close, I went to his bedside and held his hand. I held his hand a lot in those last days, and I was standing there holding his hand; he drew his last breath and stepped into glory. This man that told me he wanted to hold my arms up when I could not lay there as I held his hand. God gave me the privilege to know him, and the privilege to be there with him when he drew his final breath. His battle on earth was done. The Lord gives, and he takes away will I bless the name of the Lord?

I recent weeks, these thoughts have often entered my mind. I have moments of extreme loneliness where I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I am a highly social person, and I have often asked the Lord why he would give these men only to take them away. I have cried many times, praying for someone to come into my life like either of these men. Sometimes just wishing I had someone to hang out with or a guy to invite over with his family for a cookout sometime, just anything. Then I discovered I am unwilling to take a risk, that I am so afraid of losing that I will even make excuses for other people as to why I won’t ask them over or to do something.

You see, being a pastor, sometimes I think people feel like they kind of have to invite you over or ask you to do stuff with them, but what happens when you are no longer a pastor? What happens when you are just a regular guy, and no one really seems to notice you? No one seems to care, and no one is really vying to spend time with you. The invitations stop, you begin to wonder if you have the plague or something you do not even here from your own denomination; no one checks up on you even when they know what you are going through. These are things I have rarely, if ever, been faced with. Perhaps I feel alone because I am alone; perhaps I feel like I don’t belong because, at this moment, I don’t belong. Maybe that day will come when I do. Perhaps the Lord will one day grant me, someone, to step into my life once again. For now, In His providence, the Lord gives and takes away. May I fight to say blessed be the name of the Lord?

How to have hope amid grief

How to have hope amid grief

by | Jan 21, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, Uncategorized

How to have hope amid grief

We can have hope amid grief. A grieving person can experience fear, anger,
guilt, and depression. A grieving person may also feel that they are being
judged by others who think that their loss was not as significant or
painful as someone else’s. It is essential for a person experiencing grief
to find people they can open up to about their experiences with loss. This
will help them explore their emotions and find meaning in their
experiences with grief.

Table of Contents

  1. How to have hope amid grief
    1. 1. The Meaning Of Grief
    2. 2. What are some of the effects of grief?
    3. 3. Denying Grief
    4. 4. How can we work our way through this grieving process?
    5. 5. Truths to Remember
    6. 6. The Skills Needed

The Meaning Of Grief

The word grief is a derivative of the Latin verb, which means “to burden.”
It is probably the most intense, complex, and prolonged human emotion that
we know of, and it cant be narrowed down to an exact science.

Grief is the only human experience that we must enter voluntarily. If you
think about all other human encounters, they happen to us. Grief is a
choice that we must make. The reason that we choose grief is it helps us
heal. Grief heals, restores, and redeems. Grief changes and transforms
things in our life that have gone badly. Grief is the only place we can go
to get comfort when things in our life go wrong. We have this fantastic
reminder by Solomon concerning grief in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

It is better to go to the house of mourning

than to go to the house of feasting,

for this is the end of all mankind,

and the living will lay it to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

Grief is where we must go if we are to ever get over our losses; it is
where we must go if we will ever let go. If we want to have room for new
and better things, we must let go and free our souls from the painful
past. If we do not release our losses, we will be stuck emotionally and
spiritually. It does not mean that we forget; it means that we let go.
Otherwise, we will be tied to someone dead and if they are a loved they
would not want that, someone who is unavailable, someone who will never be
able to give us the approval that we long and yearn for and are even
trying to earn, or we will be tied to a fantasy of what we think life
should look like. Whatever this tie is, it is an emotional tie to
something from that past, and it keeps us stuck in our present life.

We are a people who are designed to have finality. We finish things, so
when it comes to grieving losses and pain, we learn to be sad so that our
hearts can one day enjoy happiness. We cry and say the words to get the
loss and pain out.

In grieving, we make this conscious effort to release our attachment to
people, goals, wishes, religious/family systems, or whatever it might be
that we can no longer have.

We so often fail to recognize that we are a people who are made to do
things in community. Grief is no exception to that we need to grieve in
community, and yet so often, we find that we grieve alone. We need to
grieve in community to have the love, support, and comfort we desperately
need in our losses. When we do not have that support, we get stuck in
despair because we do not have a love of others to hold us up enough for
us to let go of our losses. We also need structured activities as part of
grieving things like support groups or a time, space, and place where we
can be heard, empathized with, understood, and supported to give us the
necessary support to engage in the process of grief.

The scriptures tell us, “And taking with him Peter and the two sons of
Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My
soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.”

(Matthew 26:37–38 ESV. Jesus says that His soul was very sorrowful even
unto death if that is not grief, I don’t know what is.

 

What are some of the effects of grief?

1. Common emotions that are involved in grief

– Bitterness

– Emptiness

– Apathy

– Love

– Anger

– Guilt

– Sadness

– Fear

– Self-pity

– Helplessness

– Hollow

 

2. Our bodies reflect the grief with physical symptoms like

– Tightness in the chest

– Heart palpitations

– Dry mouth

– Shortness of breath

– Hollowness in the pit of the stomach

– Disrupted sleeping and eating patterns

 

3. There are some symptoms of normal grief.

– Distorted thinking patterns; irrational or fearful thoughts

– Feelings of despair and hopelessness

– Out of control or numbed emotions

– Changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.)

– Increased irritability

– Increased talking or even reduced communication

– Memory difficulties

– Inability to concentrate

– Obsessive focus on a lost loved one

– Losing track of time

– Increased/decreased appetite

– Increase/decrease sexual desire

– Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

– Dreams in which a deceased loved one visits the griever

– Nightmares that often include a theme of death

– Increase in occurrence of physical illnesses-headaches, stomach
aches, flu, etc.

– Shattered beliefs about God, life, the world, purpose, etc.

 

4. Grieving includes “mourning.”

– Mourning is derived from the Latin word that means “to be anxious.”

– Mourning is the process of remembering and recalling what was lost.

– It usually causes us to feel anxious or uncomfortable; this is why
we often want to avoid the process.

– Grief is often described in terms that show it is a process

– Stages – We do not pass through stages sequentially

– Phases – Phases often overlap that are rarely distinct

– Tasks – This is usually a more accurate depiction of the process
and implies that the mourner needs to “take action” and “do something.”

 

5. Grief has a purpose

– There is an expression of experiential feelings about a loss

– It is a protest at a loss as well as a desire to change what
happened and have it not be true

– We acknowledge the effects of the devastating impact of a loss

– The primary purpose of grief is to experience the reactions to face
the loss and begin adapting to it. The only authentic was out of fried is
through it.

– Anyone going through grief must be encouraged to do their work. It
can be postponed or delayed even, but when that happens, the result is
ultimately depression (I know this to be true)

– What often happens when grief is delayed is that instead of feeling
sadness, you feel apathy and a general numbness.

 

Denying Grief

Denying grief is where so many people land, and for some reason, this
seems common in the Christian world and even more common among pastors.
When we are not encouraged or allow ourselves to go through a grieving
process where we allow the “little deaths” of our losses, our world, and
our relationship are ultimately impacted. So we have this idea that we are
“raising above” our hurt, and instead, we are in denial that we have even
been hurt. So we are refusing to acknowledge and mourn our losses, but
this will eventually surface. When we carry unresolved into future
expereinces and relationships, there will be unrest, conflict, and ongoing
depression. There is also often delayed anger. This is because anger is
far easier to experience than sadness, so anger becomes our go-to. Sadness
keeps our hearts soft towards God and will help prevent eventual
hardheartedness. When we deny sadness, we lose touch with who God is and
His tenderness and His giving of grace. We move into areas where we become
insensitive and cannot feel grief and remorse even over our sin. We are
not a people created to hand the existence of both good and bad in the
same space; God allows sadness as a way for us to deal with our hurts and
our disappointments.

Whenever we deny our need to grieve, we are refusing to say goodbye to
people we love, places, missed opportunities, disappointments, youth,
vitality, health, relationships, or whatever had been “taken away” from
us. This refusal to grieve serves to condemn us and makes us rigid.
Genuine grief is the deep sadness and weeping that expresses the
acceptance or our inability to do anything about our losses and what id
found in every human being’s life. Grief is a reminder to us that we are
not in control of our lives like we think we are or believe we are. When
we are sad, it shows that someone or something matters to us, and we
choose to invest in that person or experience. Shattered commitment has
come at a great cost. There are some things we should understand about
grief.

A. It is intensely person; we cannot compare our process with anyone else.

B. Is difficult work not to be done in isolation.

C. It allows us to make necessary changes in order to live with our losses
in a healthier manner. Our goal is to move from “Why did this happen?” to
“How can I learn through this experience.

Why is a search for meaning and purpose in the loss

How is a search for a way to adjust to the losses

D. Grief will take longer than we expect. It will intensify on the
anniversary etc.

 

How can we work our way through this grieving process?

1. Make a list of your losses and their effect in your life.

2. Daily statements to say to yourself

3. I believe my grief has a purpose and an end

4. I am responsible for my own grieving process

5. I will not be afraid to ask for help

6. I will try not to rush my recovery process

7. I choose to face the loss and feel the pain, knowing it will end

8. I recognize that the waves of pain will be alternated with lulls
of rest

9. Consider inviting others into your grieving process by sharing
about your loss with them.

10. After you make your grief/loss inventory consider sharing it with
a safe friend or a family member or counselor. Sharing each loss with a
trusted person enables you to honor the relationship, experience, dream,
and have another human validate your experience. This makes it a shared
encounter, not one done in isolation.

11. Have a ceremony as a part of releasing that thing that you need
to get rid of. This will honor the loss and empower you to move forward.

12. Connect with the pain of the loss, which will pave the way to
connecting to the care available to you.

13. Talk about the past, your losses, crushed dreams, and poor
reactions to those hurts. Be willing to be embarrassed, vulnerable,
broken, and needy.

 

Truths to Remember

found these truths to remember, which I wanted to share.

• The past can’t really impact us, but our present feelings about the past
can.

– If we don’t expose the things of the past to the light of God’s
truth and love through the grieving process, they remain in the darkness
and are essentially alive today, creating fruits of darkness in us.
Disconnected from the transformative power of God’s love and light, they
take on a life of their own and impact present relationships.

– Confession of the past brings experiences to light and opens us up
to transformation. Eph. 5:11, 13 reminds us to “Have nothing to do with
the fruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them…everything
exposed by the light becomes visible.”

– We must know what happened to us, name the sin, be honest about
what we have done, what others have done to us, and name the guilty
parties for us to know who and how to fully forgive. Looking at our past
opens (often re-opens) our souls and memories so that we can accurately
see what we have lost, who was not enough, and how we are trying to make
up for those broken losses in our lives today.

– These truths don’t change the past, but they do redeem it.

– Instructing people to forgive and forget creates great disregard
for the brokenhearted, abused, neglected, and tormented. God highly values
his broken, hurting individuals and commands us to come alongside them to
offer them love, compassion, and healing from their families.

– If our heart is frozen in grief (or we refuse to lean into the
grieving process), we cannot experience the feelings and emotions God
designed us to feel. Many individuals experience “frozen grief” as
depression. Sadness and anger (major components of grief) need somewhere
to go. If we express them and let go of them, we have made room for fresh
experiences and increased joy.

 

The Skills Needed

Just “moving on” is not enough. Leaders especially need to pay attention
to their losses, to recover and learn from them. In my reading I found a
list of skills that have to occur before we can move on from grief.

1. Connect in a vulnerable way: As much as possible, bring your
losses to relationship. The more you relegate grief to your alone time,
the longer it will take. The more “people time” you allow, the less time
it will take. My therapist told me to make sure I was around people more
often.

2. Value what is no more: don’t dismiss or devalue what you lost it
is easy to say that person was toxic so good riddance. However if that is
our attitude we will never full work through it. Instead, and I know how
hard this is but put some value on the good parts. So that person was
toxic, but they were nice to puppies 🤣.

3. Be sad and say goodbye: Allow yourself to feel the sadness of
losing someone or something. Say goodbye and mean it.

4. Extend forgiveness. Be willing to cancel the debt. What I mean by
this is when someone has wronged you don’t become bitter. You do not have
to forgive them but you must guard your heart and be ready to forgive if
repentance happens. Be ready to cancel the debt.

5. Replace: Don’t make an idol of the lost person or thing. Find
those people who will help you replace whatever contribution it brought to
you.

6. Learn: Losses teach us something about the future. Write down what
you have learned that will help your life moving forward. Then you can use
that memory bank in the future.

7. Adapt: Loss is a reality. Don’t argue with reality, adapt to it
and learn to live well.

 

Christians need to tell their story because it is the story of God’s redemption

Christians need to tell their story because it is the story of God’s redemption

by | Nov 29, 2021 | Mental Health, random thoughts

Christianity is the story of God’s redemption. The Christian narrative begins with the fall of humanity, which was due to the first man and woman’s disobedience to God’s command not to eat from the tree of knowledge. This disobedient act resulted in sin entering into humanity and death afflicting humankind. Humanity cannot fix this, except through Christ, who became a man Himself, took on our sins and died for them.

While reading about Elijah recently, I realized that while Christians may at times feel like their story is not essential or that telling their story will not help them or others, that is just not the case. For one reason or another, we refuse to tell our story of grief. Maybe it is fear that our story really is meaningless, or perhaps it is fear that our story is not that bad. Maybe we have a suspicion that telling our story of loss and grief will only conjure up feelings of pain and hurt that we will not be able to deal with. Regardless the story needs to be told. Christians need to talk about their account to understand the depth of what it means to be redeemed. The Bible says that for someone’s sins to be forgiven, they must confess them and then make recompense (Numbers 5:7). It sounds like a lot, but the word “recompense” is translated from the Hebrew word “kippah,” which means “to cover.” How does one cover their sin? In the Old Testament, sin was covered by sacrificing a spotless lamb; however, Jesus is that lamb. There is no more sacrifice needed; Jesus paid the price. So when one receives Christ as savior, their sin is forgiven. How does this relate to telling our Story?

In Genesis 32, Elijah has fled from Jezebel Elijah makes it to Horeb, and something interesting happens. God permits Elijah to tell his story of grief. Not once but twice. God already knew why Elijah was grieving, and yet He allowed Elijah to tell the story. We must realize as followers of Christ that it is a wonderful relief to be able to tell your grief. To sit down and ponder those moments of sorrow, pain, loss, heartache, hurts, and allow the floodgate to open and for your sorrows to run away. If there is no one to hear it but God, that is ok; if there is no human to listen to our grief, it is still sweet to unburden your heart of the pain. However, I would challenge all Christians not to allow it to stop there. If we allow it to stop with just sharing our grief with the Lord, we have stopped short of the gospel. Instead, I would challenge us to share our stories with others so that we can reveal God’s redemptive purpose.

The Biblical Story

Salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, who died on the cross and rose again to defeat sin and death forever. The stories one finds in Christianity are no less riveting than any other great story, but they are different. Christians need to tell their story because it is the story of God’s redemption. It is not the story of how man gets to heaven or even finds their way to heaven but rather the account of one man who was God in the flesh who came to earth to pay the price we could never pay. If we keep our story to ourselves, we will never express or learn to express God’s redemptive plan in the middle of our mess. The core of our story remains unchanged; we are redeemed by Jesus Christ’s power and strive to share that message with others. We must stand up and proclaim that God is making a difference in this world, and it starts with each individual who trusts Jesus Christ as their Savior.

Who we are

We are God’s children and heirs to eternal life with Him in heaven. Christians need to tell their story because it is the story of God’s redemption. Some people wonder if there is a Creator, and some even question if they have a soul. The world often leaves people feeling empty and without hope. But we can rest assured in knowing that we belong to God and He has a plan for our lives: We were created for a purpose. The purpose does not include never opening our mouths and sharing about the one we believe is the savior of people. Who are we? We are children of God called and designed to share our stories with others. This lead me to this

Christian Witness

Living a life of faithfulness to God… means living a life of courage and hope.

Living a life of faithfulness to God not only means living a life of courage and hope but also living in the light. When Christians come out and tell their story, they proclaim that God never gives up and that there is always healing and redemption. Sure we may give up, we may throw our hands in the air, we may struggle with the problems we face, but God does not. It’s so crucial for Christians to be open about their faith because, again, it is the story of God’s redemption.

Christians should be open about their faith. Throughout history, Christians have been persecuted for what they do and what they believe in. It is important to tell people that they are not alone, that their life has meaning, that there is a purpose in life, and that they can come back to God even when they feel like giving up.

One of the most significant things about Christianity is that it is an evangelistic religion – Christianity is all about sharing what God has done in one’s life. It’s not just for us Christians, but it’s for everyone. What makes Christianity so significant to the world around us is that it has the power to change lives and give hope when there seems to be none. What makes Christianity so significant to the world around us is that it has the power to change lives. The Christian religion offers a story of hope, love, and redemption – all three of which we need in this difficult world. Christians need to tell their story because in our story is the story of God’s redemption.

Conclusion

The world needs Christians to tell their stories because in it is the story of God’s redemption, which is our hope today. When Christians are able to tell their story with honesty and authenticity, it becomes a challenge for others who may not know Christ. Their hope is to help others see the truth of who Christ is and what He has done for them. In conclusion, Christians need to tell their story because in it is the story of God’s redemption. The Biblical account, who we are, and what we should do as Christians should be told so that others can understand why we believe and live as we do. So that they to may believe.

We are all broken, sinful people who need a savior.

Jesus came to earth, sacrificed himself for us, and willingly died for our sins.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the key to being saved from eternal damnation.

Tell Your Story.

How Should A Christian Handle Trauma

How Should A Christian Handle Trauma

by | Nov 17, 2021 | Mental Health, random thoughts, Uncategorized

I know this is a longer post because this is something dear to my heart; hopefully, you can learn something from this. There is a reason why the Bible instructs Christians to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.” (Phil. 4:6). The problem is that trauma can cause people to lose their faith in God. There are many unfortunate things in today’s society, such as natural disasters, terrorist attacks, forms of abuse, losses, and many other things that lead to traumatic experiences.

What is trauma?

Trauma is a psychological term that refers to the emotional response to an event that threatens one’s physical, social, or emotional well-being. Trauma can be defined as an emotional injury that is the result of an adverse event. For Christians, this could be anything from physical abuse to rape to losing a loved one. This trauma can manifest in many ways, but the most common symptom is fear, which is considered multidimensional in traumatic experiences. There are five stages of trauma: -Acute Shock-Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression The best way for a Christian to handle trauma is first by acknowledging it. This will make it easier to deal with. Secondly, they should turn their attention towards God and pray. Lastly, they should seek comfort and help from family, friends and, fellow Christians. However, we all know that often this is not what happens when A Christian experiences trauma; for one reason or another, they feel shame, and instead of dealing with their hurt, they suppress it.

One might ask what exactly are the Causes of Trauma. 

A traumatic event is not one’s fault. It is impossible to predict the future and avoid traumatic events, but it is possible to be prepared for them. A person may experience a traumatic event listed below, but we must understand there are many ways to help with trauma, and each person will need a different treatment plan.

 

Witnessing or experiencing violence

When one witnesses or experiences violence, it is a difficult and traumatic experience. Every year, millions of people fall victim to violence. Their lives are suddenly and irrevocably changed. They may be unable to work, go to school or even feel safe. When violence causes trauma, it can lead to a wide range of mental health problems.

Witnessing the death of loved ones

Every day we live and work, we may experience stress and trauma. Like any other human being, Christians go through difficult life experiences. The death of a loved one is a traumatic event for anyone to experience. Christians have the added need to know whether their loved one believed in Christ or not on top of the desire to know that their loved one knew they loved them.

Witnessing the death of a loved one can be an incredibly traumatic experience.

Witnessing or experiencing sexual assault

Witnessing or experiencing sexual assault can be a very traumatic experience. In some cases, trauma can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is an anxiety disorder that may cause flashbacks and nightmares of the event. It’s important to remember that not everyone who goes through a sexual assault will develop PTSD – the severity of the trauma will determine if a person experiences this mental health issue. Some people may develop sexual assault trauma disorder (SATD), also known as complex trauma disorder. This disorder can include symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance, dissociation, and anxiety. People may also develop a dissociative identity disorder following a trauma such as sexual abuse.

Experiencing physical abuse

Physical abuse is often an experience that people are left to ponder the aftermath of. As a result, the trauma can cause long-term repercussions for victims. What does this mean for Christians who have experienced physical abuse? While it may be difficult to know the answer in every situation, there are steps that Christian individuals can take to process their experience in healthy ways.

Experiencing verbal abuse

The most common response to trauma is to try and push it out of your mind. However, when you experience verbal abuse, this is not always the case.

First off, you may find days when you can’t stop thinking about what was said to you. Secondly, you may find yourself reacting in anger when someone says something similar. Thirdly, there are times when memories of that hurtful event would arise without any triggering event happening, which is called spontaneous recovery.

Experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event

Typically, a traumatic event is a disturbing, violent, or scary experience that someone goes through. That being said, just because someone has been through a traumatic event does not mean it will lead to trauma. If a person can process their emotions and thoughts about the event, they may not experience trauma. An individual should be aware of mental health resources so they can get help if needed. This way, they have the resources to maintain healthy relationships with themselves and others.

Does trauma happen to Christians?

Obviously, one can look at just a small portion of traumatic events listed and know that Christians experience trauma. The problem arises when “well-meaning” Christians want to treat trauma as something that is not real, or they have the attitude that trauma can be prayed away or even worse that if you are going through trauma, you must lack faith.

Are Christians traumatized? Yes.

Are they traumatized by the same things non-Christians are? Yes.

 How should Christians respond to trauma? 

Many Christians experience trauma and find themselves unable to cope with the stressors that come with it due to the lack of resources and counseling. Churches especially can be a great resource because they provide a sense of community and knowing that someone else has been through what you’re going through. Churches also can be a place to go to get counseling and support. Christians should first find out what they are experiencing as trauma. How do you know if you are experiencing trauma?

People with trauma often experience a lot of the following symptoms:

– Feeling detached from others

– Feeling isolated

– Feeling hyper-aroused

– Feeling numb

– Feeling angry

– Feeling sad

– Feeling depressed

– Feeling anxious

– Feeling overwhelmed

– Feeling frustrated

– Having trouble concentrating

– Having trouble sleeping

– Having trouble eating

In addition, people who have been traumatized can have these symptoms:

– Agitation and irritability

– Low self-esteem

– Sleep problems

– Impulsivity

– Feeling suicidal

– Thinking of harming themselves or others

– Impulsively acting out

– Having trouble controlling their anger

– Inability to trust others

– Having trouble making decisions

– Having trouble being assertive

– Having trouble focusing

Treatment can help reduce the symptoms of trauma.

Healing takes time, so you need to be patient with yourself and allow God’s power to work on you.

How can one work through memories of trauma?

In the past, when people were traumatized, they might feel guilty about what happened because they thought that they were supposed to be strong and that they were supposed to be able to get through it. They might have thought that they deserved the trauma. A therapist can help you take a different perspective that would change your entire life.

If you are ready to work through your trauma, there are a few things you should do.

– Talk to someone about your trauma. Especially someone who will understand. This person might be a friend or a family member, a pastor, or a counselor.

– Get the help of a therapist. If you are in a relationship, this person can help you work through your trauma.

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, it is not uncommon for a person to experience a great deal of anxiety and fear. The resulting feelings can cause significant stress and instability in their lives. It can also lead to mental health concerns such as depression, insomnia, and social withdrawal. These symptoms are very challenging to manage because they leave the individual feeling much worse about themselves and their situation.

Getting Help

If you have gone through trauma, I want to encourage you to get help.

Trauma can be tough. It can leave us feeling alone and afraid, and we might suppress our emotions for years after the event happens. It is essential to know that there is hope and healing available. One way to do this is through talk therapy: talking to a therapist about what happened and their feelings. Another option is through prayer: praying and seeking support from God and others to find peace again. Please reach out, even if it is to me. You do not need to carry this burden alone.

Conclusion: 

How the Scriptures encourage us to handle trauma.

Many people find themselves in situations where they are faced with traumatic events. After these events occur, many people are left with questions about handling the trauma they have experienced. They may experience intense feelings of anger, disappointment, grief, or guilt. The scriptures encourage us to be gentle and kind to ourselves and others and accept that God’s peace is found in Christ. Your own personal relationship with God is not based on your ability to do something but on your willingness to receive God’s grace. You may be wondering how a Christian should go about handling trauma with the Bible. After all, the Bible speaks extensively on how we should live when things are going well and when they are difficult. Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you.” Matthew 11:28.

The Bible was written by people who experienced trauma during their lifetime. A Christian should not be afraid to discuss these experiences with God and other Christians. God wants to help us all heal, but sometimes it may take time and be difficult. God will do everything in His power to help us heal.

I close with this.

Every human being will experience trauma. It is impossible to go through life without experiencing some type of trauma. As a Christian, you, too, will encounter tragedy and hardship. However, God has promised to never leave us or forsake us.

How Pastors Struggle With Mental Health

How Pastors Struggle With Mental Health

by | Nov 13, 2021 | Mental Health

Intro:

For me, it started with a simple message in Facebook messenger. Someone I barely knew was reaching out to me and asked if we could have lunch and if I could help them learn more about our town. Of course, I knew this was not why he wanted to meet. I will never forget his words as he sat across from me and said, “I am worried about you, I see you in a downward spiral, and I am concerned for your health and your ministry.” For the first time, I was talking with someone who would not let me off the hook, and as we sat there, he would not let me leave until we had a plan. By the way, he is my counselor.

Pastors are not immune to mental health struggles. In a recent study, it was found that pastors experience more symptoms of depression and anxiety than non-pastors. Pastors have difficulty finding time for themselves. They are constantly trying to be the caregiver for their congregation, making them feel like they don’t have control over their own lives.

What Is Mental Health?

Mental health, the medical term, is defined as a state of well-being in which an individual realizes their own abilities, can cope with the everyday stresses of life, can work productively, and can make a contribution to their community. Mental health does not mean that one’s life is devoid of challenges and difficulties. In fact, Depression and Anxiety are part of “normal” life in that most people experience them at some time. However, for whatever reason, “mental health” conversations are sometimes taboo among Christians, particularly pastors. Why Is Mental Health Important? Mental health is essential because it is the health of the mind that makes us truly healthy. The Bible says that “a body without a soul is dead” (Ecc. 9:5). Mental health is the health of both body and soul.

What pastors need to know about mental health.

Mentally healthy people are much more likely to be able to cope well when difficulties arise. It is the difference between being able to cope well when there is a hurricane, flood, or earthquake and being unable to cope when there is a hurricane, flood, or earthquake. In fact, depression and anxiety are part of the “normal” experience of life. However, most people are not aware of these feelings, and many of us try to deal with them alone. Because mental health is so important, pastors should know about mental health and minister to people with mental health problems.

Mental health and the mental illness of others cannot be separated from the work of ministry. Therefore, ministers have a special obligation to minister to people with mental illness. The first thing ministers must do is to understand the illness. As a pastor, you must know the signs, symptoms, and causes of mental illness. You must know the diagnosis, the history, and the prognosis. You must also know how mental health professionals can help people with mental illness.

When The Pastor Struggles

However, what happens when all of this hits close to home? What happens when the pastor struggles with mental health? Or the minister goes through a period of emotional distress?

The key to ministry is caring for people. That is what makes us ministers. Therefore, ministers must be able to care for themselves. A minister who is sick is a sick minister. A minister who is depressed is a depressed minister.

A minister who struggles with mental illness is a minister who is struggling with something that needs to be addressed. If a minister is concerned about their mental health, they should be concerned about the church and about the church’s concern for them.

Pastors must be able to identify what makes them more susceptible to mental illness and know the steps they can take to be well.

Of course, we are not going to leave out the Bible

The Bible helps us understand the issue of mental health. The Bible is especially helpful in helping us recognize mental illness and encouraging us to seek help.

In Psalm 139, the psalmist writes about his mental illness. He says:

Hear, O Yahweh, my voice when I call to you;

hear me when I call to you,

for my cry has reached to you,

to your holy temple.

The psalmist understood that mental illness is real.

Pastors, we must understand that this is a real thing, not something that is just made up, and we must understand it is ok for us to struggle as well.

Pastors are people too.

They have bodies, minds, and emotions just like the rest of us. However, for many pastors that are involved in ministry work or are focused on serving their congregation members or other Christians, there is little time to focus on themselves which leads to a decreased awareness of wellness, burnout, depression, and suicide.

How can the church be supportive of a pastor who is struggling with mental health issues?

Some of the things that can be done to keep a pastor healthy are:

  • Make sure the pastor’s needs are met.
  • Offer help in the form of a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist.
  • Provide rest and relaxation time for the pastor.
  • Encouragement: Tell him how much you care about him. Encourage him to seek professional help or make sure he knows that he is not alone.
  • Build him up: Praise him for his work; allow him to be recognized for his work.
  • Finally, just take the time to talk to the pastor. Ask him how he is doing, if there is any way you can help, how is his family doing, what is he struggling with?

I want to take a quick moment and talk about a few things that can be done to help.

The importance of self-care.

This is important for a couple of reasons. One is to help you keep your faith. It is easy to get worn out in ministry and feel like you can’t be a good pastor unless you are putting your life on hold and are putting yourself last. This is a terrible mindset to have. The other reason is that pastors are constantly in touch with their bodies. It is easy to be so busy doing ministry that you don’t have the time to make sure you are healthy. This is a massive problem for pastors. Pastor, you must practice self-care, meaning you must take time to take care of yourself.

Take time to exercise.

Make it a priority to set aside time to do things that increase your heart rate, and the will help you stay healthy. This does not have to be running; it can be doing something fun or some sort of sport; it can even mean going out and prayer walking. The point is to get some exercise

Get enough sleep.

Your brain actually heals when it sleeps. If you are not getting enough sleep sooner or later, it will affect the rest of your body. A lack of sleep can lead to cognitive impairment, making it difficult for someone to concentrate and remember details. Another effect is the depletion of energy. Sleep deprivation is also associated with increased rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation.

Get some sunshine.

This may seem like a strange one, but the sun is actually a fantastic source of vitamins and minerals. This doesn’t mean you should stay in the sun for too long, but it means you should take advantage of the sun when you can.

Maintain relationships

Pastors have to have friends. They do not necessarily have to be in the church, but pastors need to have friends that they can talk to and that they can be real with. Pastor, you need a friends and for those that are not pastors, why not be a friend to your pastor?

In conclusion, pastors have a responsibility to their congregations, their church leadership team, and themselves. They must be mindful of the signs of depression and mental illness, get treatment when needed, and speak up when they notice that another pastor might need help.

To offer the best service possible to parishioners, pastors must also stay mentally healthy. Attend regular counseling sessions with a therapist who can diagnose and treat mental illness, if necessary.

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