Marks of a Victim Mentality

I am writing this blog post because, after some recent conversations, I concluded that it was needed.  Perhaps it will help someone.  

This post relies heavily on Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization by June Hunt. I have put much of what is said into my own words but I have used several charts etc from that book.

If you have ever read the book of Ruth, you will know that Naomi is facing difficult circumstances, and she only places the blame on God.

Naomi, who is bereaved and barren following the deaths of her two adult sons, is expecting resentment, apprehension, and uncertainty as she considers returning to Israel from Moab. Although she begs her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah, to seek refuge with their relatives, they remain steadfast in their determination to return to Israel in her company. … “No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!” (Ruth 1:13).

The two women are additionally compelled to depart by Naomi. Orpah ultimately makes the decision to return to her own family, whereas Ruth steadfastly remains. When Naomi sees how determined Ruth is, she gives up on her argument…

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.”

(Ruth 1:16)

All individuals who have experienced victimization have been profoundly affected by trauma. Many individuals frequently arrive at erroneous assumptions regarding their own self and the world around them. These erroneous ideas cause injured hearts to adopt flawed responses and habits that conceal their profound pain and construct barriers that hinder closeness with God.

However, the Lord compassionately utilizes setbacks and problematic relationships to expose underlying emotional issues. When God holds each of us responsible, His intention is to dismantle these barriers and restore wounded hearts in order to liberate those who are imprisoned.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free.”

(Luke 4:18)

Here is the question we must ask:

What Role Does Cultivating a Victim Mentality Play in Establishing Spiritual Barriers?

Upon the arrival of Naomi and her daughter-in-law, the town of Bethlehem is filled with excitement and commotion.

“… the women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’ ”

(Ruth 1:19)

Naomi finds it unbearable to think about the meaning of her name, which denotes sweetness or pleasantness. Mara, who is known to be bitter, appears much more suitable for her situation…

“ ‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them. ‘Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.’ ”

(Ruth 1:20–21)

People who adopt a victim mindset frequently think of themselves as spiritual…

I recently came across this chart, which I find to be helpful in understanding the characteristics of a victim mentality.

 

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Blaming God	“This is God’s fault.” “God is not fair!”	“He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he” (Deuteronomy 32:4)
• Harboring anger toward God	“How could God let this happen to me?” “God doesn’t care about me.”	“The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does” (Psalm 145:17).
• Refusing to trust God	“I can’t depend on God.” “I don’t believe in God.”	“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)
• Fearing God	“I’m afraid of God.” “I want to hide from God.”	“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)
• Doubting God’s Love	“God certainly doesn’t love me.” “I don’t deserve God’s love.”	“Great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever” (Psalm 117:2).

If these spiritual barriers are not addressed, they will isolate individuals from the truths found in the Bible, leading to the rapid development of a victim mentality.

( June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

However, more than just spiritual barriers are built we also see emotional barriers being built.

 

What is the connection between building emotional barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Naomi and Ruth, both widows, are currently without any companionship and are in a state of extreme poverty. They lack any means of sustaining themselves and must depend on God’s provision.

Instead of succumbing to despair and self-indulgence, Ruth conceives a plan which Naomi endorses. She will adhere to the tradition of the impoverished and trail the harvesters in the fields of her fellow Hebrews, collecting the remnants they leave behind. Ruth’s proposal instills hope in Naomi, as it offers the possibility of Ruth gathering sufficient grain to sustain their nourishment and prevent starvation. The final result will be determined by divine intervention.

“Ruth the Moabite said to Naomi, ‘Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor.’ Naomi said to her, ‘Go ahead, my daughter.’ ”

(Ruth 2:2)

Those who adopt a victim mentality frequently perceive themselves as emotionally fragile. Again, I found a chart that illustrates the different types of victim mentalities people may have from the past

 

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
•        Bitterness	“I hate living in this family.” “I wish I were someone else.”	“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).
•        False Guilt	“This is my fault.” “I must not tell; I’ll get in trouble.”	“You desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place” (Psalm 51:6).
•        Shame	“Something must be wrong with me.” “I am a bad person.”	“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).
•        Unforgiveness	“I’ll never forgive them.” “I wish they were dead.”	“… if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
•        Fear	“What will happen to me if someone finds out?” “What if someone hurts me again?”	“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
•        Hopelessness	“Things have never been good.” “Life will never get better.”	“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).
•        Self-centeredness	“I never have fun or enjoy life like others do.” “It’s hard to think of anything but my unhappiness.”	“The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever …” (Psalm 138:8).

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

When left unchecked, these mental and emotional barriers block the light of God’s Word from reaching the heart and cause a victim mindset to set in.

We erect spiritual barriers, emotional barriers, and now we will see that we build relational barriers as well

 

So what is the correlation between building relational barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Amidst her sorrow and lack of clarity, Naomi is unable to comprehend that God is carefully arranging events for her benefit, and the key to this is her faithful companion, Ruth.

Ruth decides to gather leftover grain in a field owned by Boaz, who is a relative of Elimelech, Naomi’s late husband, in order to feed herself and her mother-in-law. He is a benevolent and noble guy, generously supporting and safeguarding Ruth in her endeavors.

Naomi’s desolate eyes brighten with a flicker of optimism upon learning the location where Ruth is gathering leftover grain.…

“ ‘The Lord bless him!’ Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. ‘He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead.’ She added, ‘That man is our close relative; he is one of our guardian-redeemers.’ ”

(Ruth 2:20)

 

You guessed it we have another chart.

Frequently, individuals who adopt a victim mentality perceive themselves as being relational.…

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
•        Fear	“People are unsafe.” “I must protect myself.”	“Do not be afraid of anyone, for judgment belongs to God” (Deuteronomy 1:17).
•        Distrust	“People are unreliable.” “I must guard myself.”	“… there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
•        Anger	“People are perpetrators.” “I must avenge myself.”	“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
•        Insecurity	“People are selfish.” “I must fend for myself.”	“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need” (Acts 2:44–45).

As survivors of abuse progress in their lives, they often surpass their flawed and juvenile perspectives on life. They discard their past and embark on a quest for satisfaction by pursuing individual objectives, such as devotion to God, matrimony, parenthood, professional advancement, financial prosperity, and other personal achievements.

Regrettably, the coping mechanisms that these individuals learned during their childhood to endure difficult circumstances persist as integral aspects of their personalities. These tendencies can solidify into impenetrable barriers surrounding emotional distress or injury, hindering self-awareness, vulnerability, and genuine closeness in relationships.

Although people who have been victimized as children seek for adult love… Frequently, embarking on a voyage inside their suppressed emotions appears excessively intimidating, and comprehending the concealed deceit feels profoundly intricate.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

(Jeremiah 17:9)

 

Why does cultivating fearfulness result in adopting a victim mentality?

Fear does not manifest spontaneously or independently. There is a factor that predisposes you to be influenced by fear, and there is a factor that activates that dread. The setup took place in the past, whereas the trigger happens in the present. Discovering the reality behind your fear will yield insight into the reasons for your current state of being controlled by fear and trapped in a mindset of victimhood.…

“Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.”

(Psalm 55:5)

I found this extremely helpful.

Past Setups for Fear

•        Monumental Experiences

—        Traumatic event

—        Scary situations

—        Abusive relationships

—        Fearful role models

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and confront the reality of both past and present circumstances.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

•        Emotional Overload

—        Pent-up, unacknowledged feelings

—        Unrealistic expectations

—        Harsh, stressful environment

—        Demanding, rejecting authority figures

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and seek God’s assistance in recovering from your emotional wounds.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

•        Situational Avoidance

—        Refusal to face fears

—        Rejection of chances for change

—        Reinforcement of fears

—        Repetition of negative thought patterns

Recognize the underlying cause of your fear and permit the Lord to assist you in confronting your fears.

“I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).

•        Dismal Outlook

—        Anticipation of danger and disaster

—        Expectation of frustration and failure

—        Belief of lies

—        Rejection of truth

Identify the underlying cause of your fear and confront yourself with the truth.

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Now let’s ask

What is the relationship between victimization and codependency?

Codependency is a predictable consequence of abuse, just like how day always follows night. They are often closely associated … and with good justification. The reciprocal relationship between these two elements perpetuates and confines individuals within a recurring and agonizing pattern… a pattern that God desires to disrupt in order to facilitate liberation…

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

(Galatians 5:1)

Here is some more helpful information to help you break free from this recurring and agonizing pattern.

Codependency

Question: “How are victimized children set up to become codependent adults?”

Response: Nobody consciously intends to develop emotional addiction. Love cravings frequently arise during childhood due to a lack of emotional nourishment, resulting in empty “love buckets”. These children may develop into adult individuals with a compulsive need for love and intimacy because they…

•        Did not receive enough positive affirmation as children

•        Grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure

•        Experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding

•        Felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned

•        Experienced repeated rejection from their parents

•        Felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness

Children who lack emotional fulfillment develop an imaginary belief in a rescuer who will alleviate their anxiety and ultimately provide them with a sense of completeness. As adults, they continue to exhibit emotionally dependent behavior reminiscent of “children” who …

•        Believe that being loved by someone—anyone—is the solution to their emptiness

•        Enter relationships believing the other person cannot take care of themselves

•        Assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship

•        Have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person

•        Try to “stick like glue” to the other person in order to feel connected

•        Live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them

The predicament of an individual addicted to love may appear insurmountable if not for the divine intervention of the Lord, who serves as the sole genuine deliverer, offering them boundless and everlasting affection. The Bible provides this guarantee …

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

Codependent Relationships

Question: “What draws people into destructive, codependent relationships?”

Response: Individuals who experience emotional dependency during childhood and fail to acquire the essential abilities for establishing mature, well-functioning relationships do not develop a healthy sense of interdependence.

—        They have difficulty speaking the truth, asking for what they want, and setting boundaries.

—     They become codependent adults who are addicted to unhealthy relationships because they never learned anything different.

—     They are desperately in need of finishing what they began in infancy—to grow up emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually so they can mature relationally!

The Bible employs the analogy of newborns consuming milk instead of solid food to describe those who are not yet fully formed.

“Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.”

(Hebrews 5:12–13)

So now we ask

What is the underlying cause of a victim mentality?

Naomi, who previously experienced a lack of enthusiasm for life, now perceives a glimmer of optimism in the future.

According to tradition, the closest relative has the initial chance to purchase or “redeem” the property of a deceased individual. Naomi intends to sell a field that was owned by Elimelech. Boaz is considering purchasing the field, however, there is a closer relative who has the first right to acquire the property.

The man’s curiosity wanes upon learning that the legal deal entails obtaining ownership of the widow Ruth. Evidently, the property had been inherited by Ruth’s deceased husband, Mahlon, following his father’s demise. It is necessary “… to maintain the name of the dead with his property” (Ruth 4:5).

The kinsman rejects the full proposal, and Boaz acquires the land and marries Ruth. Naomi’s bitterness is alleviated as she welcomes the birth of her son, Obed.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“The women said to Naomi: ‘Praise be to the Lord, who this day has not left you without a guardian-redeemer. May he become famous throughout Israel! He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.’ ”

(Ruth 4:14–15)

Individuals who continue to be confined by a victim mentality do so as a result of a belief system that perpetuates their perception of being devoid of agency to effect change. Consequently, individuals sometimes exhibit a reluctance to assume accountability for their own process of healing and development.

•        Wrong Belief:

“During my upbringing, I lacked the ability to alter the course of my life, and presently, I remain devoid of the capability to make any significant changes.” The events that have occurred in my life have shaped my identity, and I believe that I am not entitled to anything superior. Furthermore, I lack the necessary competence and proficiency compared to others, and the apprehension of being exposed as the unsuccessful individual I am inundates me.

Right Belief:

As a child of God, I possess the indwelling of Christ, endowing me with His transformative power. I relinquish my apprehension about failure and assume the duty to surmount my previous experiences, for I trust in the unwavering nature of God. He will accomplish the task! I have the ability to control and restrain all of my thoughts and initiate a systematic process of altering my mindset in order to achieve emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual well-being. I am resolute to …”

“… demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and … take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

I know I can do this because …

“His divine power has given [me] everything [I] need for a godly life through [my] knowledge of him who called [me] by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

 

Ultimately, we have to come to the conclusion that we must

Face Our Predicament

Pay careful attention to what I am about to write, as it holds the key to overcoming.

• Understanding that God allowed your abuse, but did not cause or approve of it, is of utmost importance! God harbors an intense hatred towards wickedness and violence and will eventually eradicate all forms of evil and malevolent actions. He will deliver an everlasting verdict upon those who persist in their wicked behavior.…

“I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless.”

(Isaiah 13:11)

• Yes, God allowed it, but…

—        Realize that human will must always be separated from God’s will.

— It is important to differentiate between permitting sin and actively producing or endorsing sinful behavior.

— Understand that God will pass judgment on sin and individuals who commit it, according to His own timing and methods.

— It is important to remember that God did not intervene to save His Son from the hands of wicked individuals and their wicked actions. Instead, He permitted Him to endure a profoundly agonizing suffering of victimization and death.

— Take heart in the knowledge that, even if God allows evil, He has the desire and ability to save both those who harmed others and those who have been harmed by others. He want to rejuvenate them and utilize them to fulfill His divine objectives.

Reckon that life is nothing more than a vapor. Nevertheless, God intends to transform you into the exact likeness of His cherished Son, Jesus Christ, because He loves you as His own child.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.… For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.…”

(Romans 8:37–39, 29)

It is natural to question or distrust things that do not align with our perceptions or that we do not comprehend.

— It is normal to be perplexed when something unexplainable happens. Hence, when one becomes a victim, it is instinctive to question the divine, “Why?”

—        Even righteous Job questioned God.… “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” (Job 3:11).

•        In periods of uncertainty …—        Remember that God has an infallible plan for your life that cannot be hindered by anything or anyone.…

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.… For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?” (Job 42:2; Isaiah 14:27).

— Remember that God is omniscient and is always preeminent in guiding your path. He consistently supports you with His hand.

“You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.… Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?… If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (Psalm 139:5, 7, 9–10).

— Remember that God’s methods are different from ours and His thoughts are far superior, making it impossible for us to predict His intentions or understand His approach.

“How great are your works, Lord, how profound your thoughts!… ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’ ” (Psalm 92:5; Isaiah 55:8–9).

—        Remember that God loves you intensely and that He will produce positive outcomes from all the events that occur in your life, including the malicious actions carried out by wicked individuals.…

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

—        Reaffirm the fact that God possesses unlimited power, complete knowledge, constant presence, absolute righteousness, and that He has a valid purpose for every event He permits in your life.…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2–4).

— Remember that you are a malleable substance under the control of God, particles shaped into a human being by your divine Creator, who intricately assembled you in your mother’s womb and documented every single day of your existence in His record even before they occurred.…

“Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again?… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.… all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Job 10:9; Psalm 139:13, 16).

Now Comes the difficult part

Ways to Pardon Your Perpetrator

Have you ever observed the presence of the word “give” within the term “forgiveness”? By opting to forgive, you bestow upon someone a valuable present… The gift of liberation from the obligation to bear the consequences of offending you… the gift of absolving the indebtedness owing to you! To effectively bestow this challenging “gift,” it may be necessary to progress through four distinct phases of forgiveness. However, it is important to acknowledge that by doing so, you are also bestowing onto yourself the invaluable present of “living without harboring resentments.” Indeed, that represents genuine liberty. Consequently, the Bible asserts …

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.”

(Leviticus 19:18)

The 4 Stages of Forgiveness

#1        Face the Offense.

Forgiveness is the only medicine that can soothe a wound that is deep, personal, unfair, and wounded. Initially, it is imperative to confront the reality of the actual actions that have taken place, without impeding genuine recovery by justifying or fixating on erroneous thoughts.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

(Ephesians 4:32)

• Avoid downplaying the offense by rationalizing: “Regardless of how poorly he treats me, it is acceptable.”

TRUTH: Poor treatment is unacceptable. There is just no justification for any form of mistreatment under any circumstances.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

• Resist the urge to rationalize the offender’s actions by saying that “he doesn’t mean to hurt me.Since he is a member of my family, I ought not to feel apprehensive or distressed in his presence.

TRUTH: Regardless of the offender’s age or our relationship with them, it is imperative that we label wrongdoing as “sin.” We must confront the reality rather than attempting to alter it. In order to grant forgiveness, it is necessary for there to exist an individual who is responsible for a wrongdoing.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent,’ will be cursed by peoples …” (Proverbs 24:24).

• Avoid the assumption that prompt forgiveness equates to complete forgiveness by believing: “Upon the occurrence of that dreadful ordeal, I expeditiously and entirely pardoned him.” “That is the instruction I have received!”

TRUTH: Numerous individuals with good intentions experience feelings of guilt when they fail to provide prompt forgiveness. Consequently, they exhibit a rapid propensity for forgiveness. However, they have not yet experienced the complete consequences of the offense nor properly mourned the true events. Sin’s profound consequences are not immediately experienced. Instead, its influence is experienced at various degrees across a duration of time.

Consequently, forgiveness must be offered at each of these levels. The act of quickly forgiving someone for profound hurts may appear satisfactory, but it does not constitute “complete forgiveness” until it has been offered at every level of influence. Prior to granting full forgiveness, it is necessary to confront the facts regarding the severity of the transgression and its lasting repercussions on oneself.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“You [God] desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.”

(Psalm 51:6)

#2        Feel the Offense.

Typically, we do not harbor hatred against strangers or acquaintances; rather, we just experience rage towards strangers. According to Lewis Smedes, the destruction of anything that was formed by our dedication and intimacy results in the destruction of something valuable. Deep, unjust suffering may elicit genuine emotions of indignation or even hatred. The deep-seated animosity towards a wrongdoer must be acknowledged and addressed from the depths of our own selves. Nevertheless, not every animosity is unjustifiable. God harbors a strong hatred towards evil.

“But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

(Psalm 109:21–22)

•        Avoid suppressing your pain by rationalizing: “I don’t hold her responsible for constantly criticizing me… She is experiencing significant pressure, and it does not negatively affect me.

TRUTH: Experiencing mistreatment from a person you have strong affection for can be quite distressing. Experiencing pain is a prerequisite for the process of healing.

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

• Avoid harboring false guilt by believing that you should feel bad about what was done to you. “I’m not supposed to be hateful.”

TRUTH: Sin offends God. A hatred of sin is something you are capable of as well. Hatred of the sin is expected, but not of the sinner…

“To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech” (Proverbs 8:13).

#3        Forgive the Offender.

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.Alexander Pope’s well-known statement serves as a celestial reminder to all of us. But the real world operates more along the lines of “Mistakes are human, but blaming others is more human!” Isn’t it easier to place blame than to provide forgiveness? However, God asks us to extend forgiveness. And when you do forgive, it becomes authentic and brings you closer to God, transforming your life into that of Christ, the divine.

“You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”

(2 Corinthians 3:3)

• Create a list of all the offenses committed by your offender.

• At this moment, picture yourself with a hook affixed to your collarbone. And picture all of the suffering brought on by the wrong that was done to you, attached to the hook.

•        Consider whether you genuinely desire to bear the burden of that pain indefinitely. It is desirable for you to relinquish the pain from your past and entrust it to the Lord.

• After that, put your offender on God’s hook and remove them from your emotional hook. Your wrongdoer will be dealt with by the Lord in His own time and manner. God declares…

“Bear with each other and forgive one another. if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

(Colossians 3:13)

Arguement: “I am unable to forgive and forget.” “I keep picturing myself getting hurt.”

Answer: A case of “holy amnesia” does not occur when an individual elects to forgive. However, once you have confronted the offender and confronted the suffering, refrain from replaying the agony of the past in your mind. You should forget your suffering. Avoid fixating on your pain.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” (Isaiah 43:18).

#4        Find Oneness.

Relationships that are characterized by animosity inevitably come to an end, while ones that are characterized by forgiveness ultimately succeed. Nevertheless, achieving reconciliation in a relationship, which involves restoring unity, depends on several crucial criteria. The foremost factor is that the wrongdoer must openly own their wrongdoing, feel genuine remorse, and exhibit tangible evidence of a transformed lifestyle. If these criteria are fulfilled, namely, if both parties demonstrate a steadfast dedication to adhering to the teachings of Christ and maintaining integrity in their relationship, there exists a genuine prospect for the restoration of unity and harmony between them.

The Bible says …

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.”

(Philippians 2:1–2)

Forgiving the Offender and the Offense

Question: “Must I extend forgiveness even in cases of grave wrongdoing?”

Answer: You are being requested to grant forgiveness to both the wrongdoer and the wrongdoing. Choosing an alternative course of action would include retaining both elements and experiencing the burden they impose.

“If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

(Matthew 6:14)

Remaining a Victim

Question: “Does the act of forgiving necessitate that I must persist in being a victim?”

Answer: Negative. Granting forgiveness to others liberates you from the unfounded guilt that is confining you.

“If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:15)

God Is with Us When We Suffer

Question: “Where was God when my abuse was occurring?”

Answer: Two of the attributes of God: omniscience (all-knowing) and omnipresence (being present everywhere). Though God never intends evil, He is present with us when we suffer. And, while He does not promise to take away suffering in this sinful life, He does promise to take it away in the life to come.…

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

(Revelation 21:4)

God Will Punish the Offender

Question: “Why doesn’t God punish the offender?”

Answer: He will punish the evil and exalt the innocent at His appointed time and in His appointed manner….

“… the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.”

(Psalm 37:17)

Trust God’s Love

Question: “How could a loving God allow this?”

Answer: Just as He does with His own Son, Jesus, the suffering that our heavenly Father permits serves a purpose and significance. Moreover, we can place our trust in the heart of God even when we fail to comprehend His methods. His love is certain and steadfast.…

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”

(1 Peter 2:21)

Releasing Bitterness When the Offender Is Dead

Question: “How can I let go of my bitterness toward my victimizer, who is now deceased?” is the question.

Even though you are unable to face your victimizer face-to-face, you can still indirectly confront them by speaking as though they were in front of you and saying what you would want or need to say.

* Think about the “chair technique.” Picture the individual in question sitting in a chair in front of you. Speak to them like you would if you were genuinely sat across a table from each other. Talk about how you feel about what was done to you and how those events have affected your life. After that, extend your forgiveness and clarify that you have moved the offending party onto God’s emotional hook.

• Write a letter to your victim, detailing every unpleasant memory. Read it over the person’s grave or in a place where you can openly speak to them as if you were in their presence. Then, at the end, choose to forgive by releasing your victimizer into God’s hands.

• Compile an inventory of both traumatic and joyful recollections. Return to the starting point and annotate each memory with the word “past” once the list is complete. Recognize and consent to the fact that the past has passed. As an act of volition, surrender the individual and all the anguish to God . Transfer the individual and their suffering from your personal emotional hook to God’s

Simply because your victimizer has passed away does not preclude you from forgiving and preventing resentment from developing in your heart and mind. The Bible declares…

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)