Marks of a Victim Mentality

by Josh Monda | Dec 17, 2023 | Christianity, random thoughts, Uncategorized

Marks of a Victim Mentality

I am writing this blog post because, after some recent conversations, I concluded that it was needed. Perhaps it will help someone.

This post relies heavily on Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization by June Hunt. I have put much of what is said into my own words but I have used several charts etc from that book.

If you have ever read the book of Ruth, you will know that Naomi is facing difficult circumstances, and she only places the blame on God.

Naomi, who is bereaved and barren following the deaths of her two adult sons, is expecting resentment, apprehension, and uncertainty as she considers returning to Israel from Moab. Although she begs her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah, to seek refuge with their relatives, they remain steadfast in their determination to return to Israel in her company. … “No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!” (Ruth 1:13).

The two women are additionally compelled to depart by Naomi. Orpah ultimately makes the decision to return to her own family, whereas Ruth steadfastly remains. When Naomi sees how determined Ruth is, she gives up on her argument…

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.”

(Ruth 1:16)

All individuals who have experienced victimization have been profoundly affected by trauma. Many individuals frequently arrive at erroneous assumptions regarding their own self and the world around them. These erroneous ideas cause injured hearts to adopt flawed responses and habits that conceal their profound pain and construct barriers that hinder closeness with God.

However, the Lord compassionately utilizes setbacks and problematic relationships to expose underlying emotional issues. When God holds each of us responsible, His intention is to dismantle these barriers and restore wounded hearts in order to liberate those who are imprisoned.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free.”

(Luke 4:18)

Here is the question we must ask:

What Role Does Cultivating a Victim Mentality Play in Establishing Spiritual Barriers?

Upon the arrival of Naomi and her daughter-in-law, the town of Bethlehem is filled with excitement and commotion.

“… the women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’ ”

(Ruth 1:19)

Naomi finds it unbearable to think about the meaning of her name, which denotes sweetness or pleasantness. Mara, who is known to be bitter, appears much more suitable for her situation…

“ ‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them. ‘Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.’ ”

(Ruth 1:20–21)

People who adopt a victim mindset frequently think of themselves as spiritual…

I recently came across this chart, which I find to be helpful in understanding the characteristics of a victim mentality.

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Blaming God	“This is God’s fault.” “God is not fair!”	“He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he” (Deuteronomy 32:4)
• Harboring anger toward God	“How could God let this happen to me?” “God doesn’t care about me.”	“The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does” (Psalm 145:17).
• Refusing to trust God	“I can’t depend on God.” “I don’t believe in God.”	“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)
• Fearing God	“I’m afraid of God.” “I want to hide from God.”	“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)
• Doubting God’s Love	“God certainly doesn’t love me.” “I don’t deserve God’s love.”	“Great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever” (Psalm 117:2).

If these spiritual barriers are not addressed, they will isolate individuals from the truths found in the Bible, leading to the rapid development of a victim mentality.

( June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

However, more than just spiritual barriers are built we also see emotional barriers being built.

What is the connection between building emotional barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Naomi and Ruth, both widows, are currently without any companionship and are in a state of extreme poverty. They lack any means of sustaining themselves and must depend on God’s provision.

Instead of succumbing to despair and self-indulgence, Ruth conceives a plan which Naomi endorses. She will adhere to the tradition of the impoverished and trail the harvesters in the fields of her fellow Hebrews, collecting the remnants they leave behind. Ruth’s proposal instills hope in Naomi, as it offers the possibility of Ruth gathering sufficient grain to sustain their nourishment and prevent starvation. The final result will be determined by divine intervention.

“Ruth the Moabite said to Naomi, ‘Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor.’ Naomi said to her, ‘Go ahead, my daughter.’ ”

(Ruth 2:2)

Those who adopt a victim mentality frequently perceive themselves as emotionally fragile. Again, I found a chart that illustrates the different types of victim mentalities people may have from the past

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Bitterness	“I hate living in this family.” “I wish I were someone else.”	“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).
• False Guilt	“This is my fault.” “I must not tell; I’ll get in trouble.”	“You desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place” (Psalm 51:6).
• Shame	“Something must be wrong with me.” “I am a bad person.”	“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14).
• Unforgiveness	“I’ll never forgive them.” “I wish they were dead.”	“… if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25).
• Fear	“What will happen to me if someone finds out?” “What if someone hurts me again?”	“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
• Hopelessness	“Things have never been good.” “Life will never get better.”	“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).
• Self-centeredness	“I never have fun or enjoy life like others do.” “It’s hard to think of anything but my unhappiness.”	“The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever …” (Psalm 138:8).

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

When left unchecked, these mental and emotional barriers block the light of God’s Word from reaching the heart and cause a victim mindset to set in.

We erect spiritual barriers, emotional barriers, and now we will see that we build relational barriers as well

So what is the correlation between building relational barriers and developing a victim mentality?

Amidst her sorrow and lack of clarity, Naomi is unable to comprehend that God is carefully arranging events for her benefit, and the key to this is her faithful companion, Ruth.

Ruth decides to gather leftover grain in a field owned by Boaz, who is a relative of Elimelech, Naomi’s late husband, in order to feed herself and her mother-in-law. He is a benevolent and noble guy, generously supporting and safeguarding Ruth in her endeavors.

Naomi’s desolate eyes brighten with a flicker of optimism upon learning the location where Ruth is gathering leftover grain.…

“ ‘The Lord bless him!’ Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. ‘He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead.’ She added, ‘That man is our close relative; he is one of our guardian-redeemers.’ ”

(Ruth 2:20)

You guessed it we have another chart.

Frequently, individuals who adopt a victim mentality perceive themselves as being relational.…

Prisoners of the Past

Faulty Reactions	Distorted Conclusions	Biblical Truth
• Fear	“People are unsafe.” “I must protect myself.”	“Do not be afraid of anyone, for judgment belongs to God” (Deuteronomy 1:17).
• Distrust	“People are unreliable.” “I must guard myself.”	“… there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
• Anger	“People are perpetrators.” “I must avenge myself.”	“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
• Insecurity	“People are selfish.” “I must fend for myself.”	“All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need” (Acts 2:44–45).

As survivors of abuse progress in their lives, they often surpass their flawed and juvenile perspectives on life. They discard their past and embark on a quest for satisfaction by pursuing individual objectives, such as devotion to God, matrimony, parenthood, professional advancement, financial prosperity, and other personal achievements.

Regrettably, the coping mechanisms that these individuals learned during their childhood to endure difficult circumstances persist as integral aspects of their personalities. These tendencies can solidify into impenetrable barriers surrounding emotional distress or injury, hindering self-awareness, vulnerability, and genuine closeness in relationships.

Although people who have been victimized as children seek for adult love… Frequently, embarking on a voyage inside their suppressed emotions appears excessively intimidating, and comprehending the concealed deceit feels profoundly intricate.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

(Jeremiah 17:9)

Why does cultivating fearfulness result in adopting a victim mentality?

Fear does not manifest spontaneously or independently. There is a factor that predisposes you to be influenced by fear, and there is a factor that activates that dread. The setup took place in the past, whereas the trigger happens in the present. Discovering the reality behind your fear will yield insight into the reasons for your current state of being controlled by fear and trapped in a mindset of victimhood.…

“Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.”

(Psalm 55:5)

I found this extremely helpful.

Past Setups for Fear

• Monumental Experiences

— Traumatic event

— Scary situations

— Abusive relationships

— Fearful role models

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and confront the reality of both past and present circumstances.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

• Emotional Overload

— Pent-up, unacknowledged feelings

— Unrealistic expectations

— Harsh, stressful environment

— Demanding, rejecting authority figures

Gain awareness of the underlying cause of your fear and seek God’s assistance in recovering from your emotional wounds.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6–7).

• Situational Avoidance

— Refusal to face fears

— Rejection of chances for change

— Reinforcement of fears

— Repetition of negative thought patterns

Recognize the underlying cause of your fear and permit the Lord to assist you in confronting your fears.

“I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).

• Dismal Outlook

— Anticipation of danger and disaster

— Expectation of frustration and failure

— Belief of lies

— Rejection of truth

Identify the underlying cause of your fear and confront yourself with the truth.

(June Hunt, Biblical Counseling Keys on Victimization: Victory Over the Victim Mentality (Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart, 2003), 21–22.)

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

Now let’s ask

What is the relationship between victimization and codependency?

Codependency is a predictable consequence of abuse, just like how day always follows night. They are often closely associated … and with good justification. The reciprocal relationship between these two elements perpetuates and confines individuals within a recurring and agonizing pattern… a pattern that God desires to disrupt in order to facilitate liberation…

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

(Galatians 5:1)

Here is some more helpful information to help you break free from this recurring and agonizing pattern.

Codependency

Question: “How are victimized children set up to become codependent adults?”

Response: Nobody consciously intends to develop emotional addiction. Love cravings frequently arise during childhood due to a lack of emotional nourishment, resulting in empty “love buckets”. These children may develop into adult individuals with a compulsive need for love and intimacy because they…

• Did not receive enough positive affirmation as children

• Grew up feeling unloved, insignificant, and insecure

• Experienced a traumatic separation or a lack of bonding

• Felt and continue to feel intense sadness and a profound loss at being abandoned

• Experienced repeated rejection from their parents

• Felt and continue to feel extreme fear, helplessness, and emptiness

Children who lack emotional fulfillment develop an imaginary belief in a rescuer who will alleviate their anxiety and ultimately provide them with a sense of completeness. As adults, they continue to exhibit emotionally dependent behavior reminiscent of “children” who …

• Believe that being loved by someone—anyone—is the solution to their emptiness

• Enter relationships believing the other person cannot take care of themselves

• Assign too much value and power to the other person in a relationship

• Have tremendously unrealistic expectations of the other person

• Try to “stick like glue” to the other person in order to feel connected

• Live in fear that those who truly love them will ultimately leave them

The predicament of an individual addicted to love may appear insurmountable if not for the divine intervention of the Lord, who serves as the sole genuine deliverer, offering them boundless and everlasting affection. The Bible provides this guarantee …

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

(Jeremiah 31:3)

Codependent Relationships

Question: “What draws people into destructive, codependent relationships?”

Response: Individuals who experience emotional dependency during childhood and fail to acquire the essential abilities for establishing mature, well-functioning relationships do not develop a healthy sense of interdependence.

— They have difficulty speaking the truth, asking for what they want, and setting boundaries.

— They become codependent adults who are addicted to unhealthy relationships because they never learned anything different.

— They are desperately in need of finishing what they began in infancy—to grow up emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually so they can mature relationally!

The Bible employs the analogy of newborns consuming milk instead of solid food to describe those who are not yet fully formed.

“Though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness.”

(Hebrews 5:12–13)

So now we ask

What is the underlying cause of a victim mentality?

Naomi, who previously experienced a lack of enthusiasm for life, now perceives a glimmer of optimism in the future.

According to tradition, the closest relative has the initial chance to purchase or “redeem” the property of a deceased individual. Naomi intends to sell a field that was owned by Elimelech. Boaz is considering purchasing the field, however, there is a closer relative who has the first right to acquire the property.

The man’s curiosity wanes upon learning that the legal deal entails obtaining ownership of the widow Ruth. Evidently, the property had been inherited by Ruth’s deceased husband, Mahlon, following his father’s demise. It is necessary “… to maintain the name of the dead with his property” (Ruth 4:5).

The kinsman rejects the full proposal, and Boaz acquires the land and marries Ruth. Naomi’s bitterness is alleviated as she welcomes the birth of her son, Obed.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“The women said to Naomi: ‘Praise be to the Lord, who this day has not left you without a guardian-redeemer. May he become famous throughout Israel! He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.’ ”

(Ruth 4:14–15)

Individuals who continue to be confined by a victim mentality do so as a result of a belief system that perpetuates their perception of being devoid of agency to effect change. Consequently, individuals sometimes exhibit a reluctance to assume accountability for their own process of healing and development.

• Wrong Belief:

“During my upbringing, I lacked the ability to alter the course of my life, and presently, I remain devoid of the capability to make any significant changes.” The events that have occurred in my life have shaped my identity, and I believe that I am not entitled to anything superior. Furthermore, I lack the necessary competence and proficiency compared to others, and the apprehension of being exposed as the unsuccessful individual I am inundates me.

Right Belief:

As a child of God, I possess the indwelling of Christ, endowing me with His transformative power. I relinquish my apprehension about failure and assume the duty to surmount my previous experiences, for I trust in the unwavering nature of God. He will accomplish the task! I have the ability to control and restrain all of my thoughts and initiate a systematic process of altering my mindset in order to achieve emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual well-being. I am resolute to …”

“… demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and … take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

I know I can do this because …

“His divine power has given [me] everything [I] need for a godly life through [my] knowledge of him who called [me] by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3).

Ultimately, we have to come to the conclusion that we must

Face Our Predicament

Pay careful attention to what I am about to write, as it holds the key to overcoming.

• Understanding that God allowed your abuse, but did not cause or approve of it, is of utmost importance! God harbors an intense hatred towards wickedness and violence and will eventually eradicate all forms of evil and malevolent actions. He will deliver an everlasting verdict upon those who persist in their wicked behavior.…

“I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless.”

(Isaiah 13:11)

• Yes, God allowed it, but…

— Realize that human will must always be separated from God’s will.

— It is important to differentiate between permitting sin and actively producing or endorsing sinful behavior.

— Understand that God will pass judgment on sin and individuals who commit it, according to His own timing and methods.

— It is important to remember that God did not intervene to save His Son from the hands of wicked individuals and their wicked actions. Instead, He permitted Him to endure a profoundly agonizing suffering of victimization and death.

— Take heart in the knowledge that, even if God allows evil, He has the desire and ability to save both those who harmed others and those who have been harmed by others. He want to rejuvenate them and utilize them to fulfill His divine objectives.

Reckon that life is nothing more than a vapor. Nevertheless, God intends to transform you into the exact likeness of His cherished Son, Jesus Christ, because He loves you as His own child.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.… For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.…”

(Romans 8:37–39, 29)

It is natural to question or distrust things that do not align with our perceptions or that we do not comprehend.

— It is normal to be perplexed when something unexplainable happens. Hence, when one becomes a victim, it is instinctive to question the divine, “Why?”

— Even righteous Job questioned God.… “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” (Job 3:11).

• In periods of uncertainty …— Remember that God has an infallible plan for your life that cannot be hindered by anything or anyone.…

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.… For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?” (Job 42:2; Isaiah 14:27).

— Remember that God is omniscient and is always preeminent in guiding your path. He consistently supports you with His hand.

“You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.… Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?… If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (Psalm 139:5, 7, 9–10).

— Remember that God’s methods are different from ours and His thoughts are far superior, making it impossible for us to predict His intentions or understand His approach.

“How great are your works, Lord, how profound your thoughts!… ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’ ” (Psalm 92:5; Isaiah 55:8–9).

— Remember that God loves you intensely and that He will produce positive outcomes from all the events that occur in your life, including the malicious actions carried out by wicked individuals.…

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

— Reaffirm the fact that God possesses unlimited power, complete knowledge, constant presence, absolute righteousness, and that He has a valid purpose for every event He permits in your life.…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2–4).

— Remember that you are a malleable substance under the control of God, particles shaped into a human being by your divine Creator, who intricately assembled you in your mother’s womb and documented every single day of your existence in His record even before they occurred.…

“Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again?… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.… all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Job 10:9; Psalm 139:13, 16).

Now Comes the difficult part

Ways to Pardon Your Perpetrator

Have you ever observed the presence of the word “give” within the term “forgiveness”? By opting to forgive, you bestow upon someone a valuable present… The gift of liberation from the obligation to bear the consequences of offending you… the gift of absolving the indebtedness owing to you! To effectively bestow this challenging “gift,” it may be necessary to progress through four distinct phases of forgiveness. However, it is important to acknowledge that by doing so, you are also bestowing onto yourself the invaluable present of “living without harboring resentments.” Indeed, that represents genuine liberty. Consequently, the Bible asserts …

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.”

(Leviticus 19:18)

The 4 Stages of Forgiveness

#1 Face the Offense.

Forgiveness is the only medicine that can soothe a wound that is deep, personal, unfair, and wounded. Initially, it is imperative to confront the reality of the actual actions that have taken place, without impeding genuine recovery by justifying or fixating on erroneous thoughts.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

(Ephesians 4:32)

• Avoid downplaying the offense by rationalizing: “Regardless of how poorly he treats me, it is acceptable.”

TRUTH: Poor treatment is unacceptable. There is just no justification for any form of mistreatment under any circumstances.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

• Resist the urge to rationalize the offender’s actions by saying that “he doesn’t mean to hurt me.Since he is a member of my family, I ought not to feel apprehensive or distressed in his presence.

TRUTH: Regardless of the offender’s age or our relationship with them, it is imperative that we label wrongdoing as “sin.” We must confront the reality rather than attempting to alter it. In order to grant forgiveness, it is necessary for there to exist an individual who is responsible for a wrongdoing.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent,’ will be cursed by peoples …” (Proverbs 24:24).

• Avoid the assumption that prompt forgiveness equates to complete forgiveness by believing: “Upon the occurrence of that dreadful ordeal, I expeditiously and entirely pardoned him.” “That is the instruction I have received!”

TRUTH: Numerous individuals with good intentions experience feelings of guilt when they fail to provide prompt forgiveness. Consequently, they exhibit a rapid propensity for forgiveness. However, they have not yet experienced the complete consequences of the offense nor properly mourned the true events. Sin’s profound consequences are not immediately experienced. Instead, its influence is experienced at various degrees across a duration of time.

Consequently, forgiveness must be offered at each of these levels. The act of quickly forgiving someone for profound hurts may appear satisfactory, but it does not constitute “complete forgiveness” until it has been offered at every level of influence. Prior to granting full forgiveness, it is necessary to confront the facts regarding the severity of the transgression and its lasting repercussions on oneself.The user’s text is straightforward and precise.

“You [God] desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.”

(Psalm 51:6)

#2 Feel the Offense.

Typically, we do not harbor hatred against strangers or acquaintances; rather, we just experience rage towards strangers. According to Lewis Smedes, the destruction of anything that was formed by our dedication and intimacy results in the destruction of something valuable. Deep, unjust suffering may elicit genuine emotions of indignation or even hatred. The deep-seated animosity towards a wrongdoer must be acknowledged and addressed from the depths of our own selves. Nevertheless, not every animosity is unjustifiable. God harbors a strong hatred towards evil.

“But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.”

(Psalm 109:21–22)

• Avoid suppressing your pain by rationalizing: “I don’t hold her responsible for constantly criticizing me… She is experiencing significant pressure, and it does not negatively affect me.

TRUTH: Experiencing mistreatment from a person you have strong affection for can be quite distressing. Experiencing pain is a prerequisite for the process of healing.

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

• Avoid harboring false guilt by believing that you should feel bad about what was done to you. “I’m not supposed to be hateful.”

TRUTH: Sin offends God. A hatred of sin is something you are capable of as well. Hatred of the sin is expected, but not of the sinner…

“To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech” (Proverbs 8:13).

#3 Forgive the Offender.

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.Alexander Pope’s well-known statement serves as a celestial reminder to all of us. But the real world operates more along the lines of “Mistakes are human, but blaming others is more human!” Isn’t it easier to place blame than to provide forgiveness? However, God asks us to extend forgiveness. And when you do forgive, it becomes authentic and brings you closer to God, transforming your life into that of Christ, the divine.

“You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”

(2 Corinthians 3:3)

• Create a list of all the offenses committed by your offender.

• At this moment, picture yourself with a hook affixed to your collarbone. And picture all of the suffering brought on by the wrong that was done to you, attached to the hook.

• Consider whether you genuinely desire to bear the burden of that pain indefinitely. It is desirable for you to relinquish the pain from your past and entrust it to the Lord.

• After that, put your offender on God’s hook and remove them from your emotional hook. Your wrongdoer will be dealt with by the Lord in His own time and manner. God declares…

“Bear with each other and forgive one another. if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

(Colossians 3:13)

Arguement: “I am unable to forgive and forget.” “I keep picturing myself getting hurt.”

Answer: A case of “holy amnesia” does not occur when an individual elects to forgive. However, once you have confronted the offender and confronted the suffering, refrain from replaying the agony of the past in your mind. You should forget your suffering. Avoid fixating on your pain.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” (Isaiah 43:18).

#4 Find Oneness.

Relationships that are characterized by animosity inevitably come to an end, while ones that are characterized by forgiveness ultimately succeed. Nevertheless, achieving reconciliation in a relationship, which involves restoring unity, depends on several crucial criteria. The foremost factor is that the wrongdoer must openly own their wrongdoing, feel genuine remorse, and exhibit tangible evidence of a transformed lifestyle. If these criteria are fulfilled, namely, if both parties demonstrate a steadfast dedication to adhering to the teachings of Christ and maintaining integrity in their relationship, there exists a genuine prospect for the restoration of unity and harmony between them.

The Bible says …

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.”

(Philippians 2:1–2)

Forgiving the Offender and the Offense

Question: “Must I extend forgiveness even in cases of grave wrongdoing?”

Answer: You are being requested to grant forgiveness to both the wrongdoer and the wrongdoing. Choosing an alternative course of action would include retaining both elements and experiencing the burden they impose.

“If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

(Matthew 6:14)

Remaining a Victim

Question: “Does the act of forgiving necessitate that I must persist in being a victim?”

Answer: Negative. Granting forgiveness to others liberates you from the unfounded guilt that is confining you.

“If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

(Matthew 6:15)

God Is with Us When We Suffer

Question: “Where was God when my abuse was occurring?”

Answer: Two of the attributes of God: omniscience (all-knowing) and omnipresence (being present everywhere). Though God never intends evil, He is present with us when we suffer. And, while He does not promise to take away suffering in this sinful life, He does promise to take it away in the life to come.…

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

(Revelation 21:4)

God Will Punish the Offender

Question: “Why doesn’t God punish the offender?”

Answer: He will punish the evil and exalt the innocent at His appointed time and in His appointed manner….

“… the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.”

(Psalm 37:17)

Trust God’s Love

Question: “How could a loving God allow this?”

Answer: Just as He does with His own Son, Jesus, the suffering that our heavenly Father permits serves a purpose and significance. Moreover, we can place our trust in the heart of God even when we fail to comprehend His methods. His love is certain and steadfast.…

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”

(1 Peter 2:21)

Releasing Bitterness When the Offender Is Dead

Question: “How can I let go of my bitterness toward my victimizer, who is now deceased?” is the question.

Even though you are unable to face your victimizer face-to-face, you can still indirectly confront them by speaking as though they were in front of you and saying what you would want or need to say.

* Think about the “chair technique.” Picture the individual in question sitting in a chair in front of you. Speak to them like you would if you were genuinely sat across a table from each other. Talk about how you feel about what was done to you and how those events have affected your life. After that, extend your forgiveness and clarify that you have moved the offending party onto God’s emotional hook.

• Write a letter to your victim, detailing every unpleasant memory. Read it over the person’s grave or in a place where you can openly speak to them as if you were in their presence. Then, at the end, choose to forgive by releasing your victimizer into God’s hands.

• Compile an inventory of both traumatic and joyful recollections. Return to the starting point and annotate each memory with the word “past” once the list is complete. Recognize and consent to the fact that the past has passed. As an act of volition, surrender the individual and all the anguish to God . Transfer the individual and their suffering from your personal emotional hook to God’s

Simply because your victimizer has passed away does not preclude you from forgiving and preventing resentment from developing in your heart and mind. The Bible declares…

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

(Hebrews 12:15)

In His Providence the Lord Gives and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord

by Josh Monda | Sep 22, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, pastor, Uncategorized

My struggles have been deep as of late. I am thankful they have not turned too dark but have been genuine and often sad. I have learned over this last year that one can hold two emotions simultaneously, so you can be sad yet have joy, and it is ok.

In his providence, God led us to leave Marion, Illinois, and move to Washington, Illinois. In his providence, he allowed me to pastor a church only to later take it away. In his providence, he brought some incredible men into my life only to take them away. I do not have to understand; I only know he gives and he takes away. The question is will I bless his name?

I don’t know why I have struggled so hard in these last few weeks focussing on all I have lost. Friends who are gone, a ministry left in shambles, feelings of being abandoned, wondering if I really have any friends (locally anyway), longing for something more in my relationships with others than what I have, the hurt is real. Still, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I remember the day I met George. He walked in and sat in the back of the church on the right-hand side. He could not really hide; we were a small church, and he was a large man. My mind drifts back to that day, often to our conversation, to me asking if he had a family. I still remember him saying, “I listened to some of your sermons online, and I had to come to verify if this place was real.” I told him that I hoped he found what he was looking for, and he did. I do not know that I have ever grown so close to someone so fast. I would talk with him multiple times throughout the week, have his family into my home and share things I had not shared with others. I could sit down and have a deep theological conversation or sit down and talk about nothing at all; it did not matter. George was that kind of friend. I remember the joy in my heart and being so thankful that God would bring someone to me that was such an encouragement. But the Lord gives, and he takes away.

I will never forget that day. I can remember every detail of the day; sometimes, I can still smell that day and still feel the coldness of that morning. I remember the run I had that morning. I remember having some coffee with the guys; I remember being outside and the tree falling into the neighbor’s yard. The one memory I have never been able to shake is when George said, “hey Sean, where is your bathroom?” I think back to that moment over and over again. Often with tears in my eyes, and even though I know I would not have stopped what was about to happen, I wonder what if I would have at least said something. What if I had asked if he was ok? What if I had not waited so long to check on him? Did he know what was happening when he walked into that bathroom and collapsed? Was it fast? Did he know I love him? What were the thoughts in his mind? You see, I will never forget that day. It is etched in my mind. Me telling him I was coming in, and no response. Us breaking the door down and administering CPR. I can still hear the count in my head; I still remember the breaths that I gave; it was like it happened yesterday. Yet I come to this conclusion the Lord gives, and he takes away. I often ask God why he would take away a friend like George, and I have no answer. Will I bless the name of the Lord?

Bill Sexton walked into our church on a Wednesday in a suit. I was in shorts and a t-shirt. I introduced myself as the pastor. I remember his first words to me, “Do you preach on the sovereignty of God in this church” I remember thinking that is an odd question. My response? “Is it in the Bible,” to which he responded, “yes,” to which I replied, “then I preach on it?” He said he and his wife would be back on Sunday, but I did not believe it. Sure enough, there they were that Sunday. Then the Sunday after that, then the Sunday after that, and they just kept on coming.
To Bill, age did not mean anything. It did not matter that he was far older than I; he still would ask me how to handle something, and he still asked me what I thought. He was an intelligent man, constantly studying and reading. Bill never missed a chance to encourage me. Time and time again, he would encourage me sometimes on Sunday; after the message sometimes, he would call me midweek just to encourage me. Bill would tell me on the phone he loved me, and I had no problem saying it back. Often he would say it was his job to be an encouragement to me. I can remember Bill saying that he wanted to be like Aaron or Hurr, who held up the hands of Moses. He felt it was his job to hold up my hands even if I could not hold them up any longer. Every pastor needs a man like Bill. A man who will walk through the fire for you, a man who will stand and fight the battles everyone else is afraid of fighting. However, the Lord gives, and he takes away.

Bill got sick and ended up in the hospital; he went from the hospital to a nursing home, where I was finally able t see him. He was not good, but he still encouraged me. he went from the nursing home back to the hospital. I tried every trick i Could think of to see him and could not get in due to covid restrictions. When Bill got covid, it was all downhill from there. They finally let me in to see him with his son, and they finally let his wife in to see him as well. I remember when I first walked in, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

I could not think of anything this man would need to apologize for, but Bill always felt he could have done more. If you know him you, this is true. I will never forget the day they said if he were to go on a ventilator, he had about a 5 percent chance of coming off. I explained this to him and asked what he wanted to do. He decided to go on his own terms and in the strength of the Lord. I remember whispering in his ear that it was ok to go home. As the end drew close, I went to his bedside and held his hand. I held his hand a lot in those last days, and I was standing there holding his hand; he drew his last breath and stepped into glory. This man that told me he wanted to hold my arms up when I could not lay there as I held his hand. God gave me the privilege to know him, and the privilege to be there with him when he drew his final breath. His battle on earth was done. The Lord gives, and he takes away will I bless the name of the Lord?

I recent weeks, these thoughts have often entered my mind. I have moments of extreme loneliness where I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I am a highly social person, and I have often asked the Lord why he would give these men only to take them away. I have cried many times, praying for someone to come into my life like either of these men. Sometimes just wishing I had someone to hang out with or a guy to invite over with his family for a cookout sometime, just anything. Then I discovered I am unwilling to take a risk, that I am so afraid of losing that I will even make excuses for other people as to why I won’t ask them over or to do something.

You see, being a pastor, sometimes I think people feel like they kind of have to invite you over or ask you to do stuff with them, but what happens when you are no longer a pastor? What happens when you are just a regular guy, and no one really seems to notice you? No one seems to care, and no one is really vying to spend time with you. The invitations stop, you begin to wonder if you have the plague or something you do not even here from your own denomination; no one checks up on you even when they know what you are going through. These are things I have rarely, if ever, been faced with. Perhaps I feel alone because I am alone; perhaps I feel like I don’t belong because, at this moment, I don’t belong. Maybe that day will come when I do. Perhaps the Lord will one day grant me, someone, to step into my life once again. For now, In His providence, the Lord gives and takes away. May I fight to say blessed be the name of the Lord?

Where Is The Accountability For The Church?

by Josh Monda | May 22, 2022 | Christianity, Church, pastor, random thoughts, Uncategorized

In recent years there has been plenty of talk about holding the leadership of churches accountable, and rightfully so. The leader who abuses their power and who seeks to fleece the flock should always be held accountable for their sin. Even if that accountability does not take place on earth, we can take comfort in the fact that God will hold all leaders to a special kind of accountability; this is made clear in the book of James, where we read, “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1). Honestly, I do not know of any pastors who desire to be biblical who would make an argument for no accountability in leadership; in fact, most of them have made the opposite argument. In fact, this is one of the great benefits of a plurality of elders having a group of men qualified to be elders holding one another accountable. That is really not what I want to deal with here. I do not want to deal with what happens when the pastor is abusive, but what happens when the pastor is the one being abused? I read this tweet that was put out last year “For every horror story you tell me about a pastor who abused his leadership, I can tell you ten about leaders who abused their pastor.” There is an abundance of truth in that tweet.

Why is there so little written about this subject? It almost seems like this is the deep dark sin of the church that no one wants to talk about. I look around at many friends, acquaintances, and people I know who are no longer pastors; most of them will never return to the ministry, and granted, I am only hearing one side of the story, but from all intensive purposes, the problem was not their leadership it was not that they were abusive to their church, but often they were the ones being abused. They were not being abused by the church as a whole but being abused by a select group of power players in the church that had it out for them for one reason or another. In recent months I have read one story after another of pastors being abused; some of these stories are horrific; when I have read them, I could not help but think this is not how Christians are to act. Pastors coming back from sabbaticals to find out they are fired. Small groups of enraged members propagate disinformation and falsehoods to congregations to remove a pastor from any position of power or moral authority (in my case, it is still happening). Stories of pastors pouring their lives into person after person, only for those people to take the pastor’s services for free and then ghost the pastor for the tiniest reasons. What happens if for every story we have of a pastor abusing authority, there are ten pastors who are being abused. I see friends who are beaten, battered, and bruised by the sheep they were leading,, and it breaks my heart.

What happens to these churches? If the leader is abusive, he will often lose his job, resign in shame, and will never enter the ministry again, or they will just go somewhere else and do it all over again; when the church is abusive, guess what the same thing happens. The pastor often resigns in shame and leaves the ministry, never to return again. Where is the accountability? Apparently, there is not any. What is the recourse? Apparently, there is none. Perhaps my view is a bit jaded because I am one of those pastors, but this is why I set out to read as much as I could and talk to some people that had left their church. The story is almost always very close to being identical.

Someone in the church gets upset for one reason or another; this person wields power for whatever reason in the church often because they are the main giver, or they have been there the longest, or they are the gossiper, or whoever it might be. Sometimes it is all of these people coming against the pastor. I wonder if we will ever launch a study on this? Probably not because that would mean a black eye. Anyway, the pastor resigns, the troublemaker in the church gets their way, the pastor loses what seems like his whole way of life, and the church just acts like nothing happened. Sometimes in my denomination, some people will sweep in and do all they can to rescue this church. This is probably because this is far easier than reprimanding the church; after all, the church gives money, and the pastor doesn’t. I am thankful that I initially received some help, but I know that is not the norm. Sure the church may be known as “the church who runs pastors through the meat grinder,” as one deacon said to me, but does that matter? Does it matter when sin is not addressed? Does it matter when they continue to go one like they always have? Does it matter when they get to blame their sin on others or pretend like sin was not the issue?

In the meantime, the pastor has lost his whole way of life. He does not get to be with those other pastors that he at least thought were his friends. His community is gone, and he is no longer using the gifts that God has given him to serve the kingdom, primarily the gift of preaching/teaching. The pastor feels isolated, lonely, and sometimes without hope. Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, months turn to years, and this calling that so gripped his soul is somehow gone. Maybe he wants to continue on, but he is afraid things will just turn out the same, and so it is easier to just give up. Here is my question? For these churches that are part of a denomination, why are they allowed to just keep doing the same thing over and over again? Why is there no accountability for the church? Why doesn’t anyone step in to the gap and address the issue? Why are they allowed to just blame it on the pastor and move on? Why do we indulge this kind of behavior? Do we really believe that they will not answer for this sin in the end? Do we really believe that the right way to handle it is to pretend like there is no problem and move on? Do we really believe that by aiding in their sinfulness, we won’t answer for it? Seemingly we do.

I can remember the day I told my children Iwas resigning one of my children innocently said “but dad who is going to tell them about Jesus” and on that day another one of my children checked out from church. Over the course of the next several days I could hear it in the questions they were asking. They could not understand why Christians would act this way “so these people now for whatever reason hate dad?” In some respects I appreciated the comment as it told me they saw me different than those making accusations. In another way though I knew they began to check out. I pray for them daily that they will be drawn back in.

I recently went on a pastors retreat and heard a message on pastoral perseverance where the message was speaking about the slow death that pastors are called to die and these things left me weeping and in tears as I thought of my own slow death that would eventually come.

From 2 Corinthains 4

1. Pastors die at a different rate based on circumstances

The harder the ministry context the quicker the death comes. Do not compare yourself to each other. Do not compare your death to someone else’s death. The body keeps the score.

2. Pastors have different capacities to die

We are all made differently. We all have different thresholds that we can endure. You can’t compare your capacity with another.

3. Pastors are given what we need to not lose heart as we die.

This will push us to the brink but it will not destroy us. V.1 He will not spare us from the death because it is part of his plan that we die but he will be with us to allow us to die well.

4. Pastors thrive in this death by embracing weakness

V . 7 Christ is most strong in us in our weakness it is our weakness that fuels the strength of Christ. Do not fight against the death but embrace it.

Brother pastor, if you have stumbled across this blog and you have rad this far you may be hurting I want you to remember the cross always precedes the crown. It is hard to suffer abuse of power, but the chief pastor willingly suffered the abuse of power on a hill called Calvary, and we are his undershepherds, and honestly, we should expect no less. There is a day coming when the injsutices against you will be made right. If you are not a pastor and you have read this and you know your pastor or of a pastor being abused I would beg of you do all you can to stop it. I was able to find a few articles on this subject they are linked below if you would like to read more.

Is Your Church Committing Pastor Abuse? 5 Warning Signs

https://www.christiancentury.org/review/books/how-dying-churches-abuse-pastors

If you are a pastor in an abusive church, please know that you are not alone

When It All Fades To Black

by Josh Monda | Mar 27, 2022 | Church, pastor, Uncategorized

When It All Fades To Black

I can remember the words clearly like they were yesterday “when are you going to tell your wife” my counselor asked. What had I done? Did I have some sort of secret sin that no one knew about? Perhaps I had committed adultery like so many other pastors? Did I have some sort of moral failure? I had none of those. So what was the problem? To get to that, I have to back up a little bit.

My last few years of ministry had been what seemed like hell if that was possible. I had lost one of my closes friends in the church. I had spent hours pouring into this man, and he had done the same to me; we would have deep theological discussions, his family would hang out with my family, and we just had become close friends. My world would be turned upside down on November 3, 2018. On that morning, I not only lost one of my closes friends, I had done CPR on him and then had to go tell his wife and family. I never truly grieved that loss and never really dealt with it. I did like I always do. I pushed it down and hoped it would get better.

I am not going to go into all of the detail of that day, maybe another time, but it was a wound that was not dealt with. However, problems had started long before this time. I am not going to get bogged down into all of the details of what went on in my church; some people lived it with me, and I don’t know that anyone really knows everything that transpired because, frankly, I have kept them from it. Oh, sure, out of spite, I could release recordings, documents, and emails that were sent to me and things that were said to me, but what does that accomplish? Very little. Even though I have continued to be slandered afterward, I will not do the same. However, I have to give a little detail to get to the purpose.

So over the last few years, there were what seemed to be attacks on my character and a lot of gossip and untruthful things being said. Some of this, of course, began to get back to me and to be honest, I should have addressed it immediately, but I chose not to. I can still remember my conversations with people that were calling me to do something. I kept saying, “the Lord will defend me.” Finally, it had reached its breaking point, and I addressed issues the only way I knew how head-on in a meeting. Two of my friends had shown up early for that meeting; they had faithfully spent time praying over me, and I knew going in it might very well be the last time we would be in a meeting together. That was the case for one of them. Needless to say, the meeting did not go as I had prayed it would. A short time later, one of my friends would resign and leave the church. I had talked with him before I knew it was coming and understood his desire to care for his family. Please understand I am trying to be as general as possible here.

Eventually, another meeting was called, and it was apparent I would be put on the defensive in that meeting. I was asked to answer two full pages of accusations, some of them fairly ridiculous. I have read this document multiple times. I still have it. I wanted to make sure I did not misread it, but there is no misreading it. I am directly implicated for “most” of the problems. This document has remained private even though others have asked to see it. At the end of this meeting, another friend of mine resigned and left the church. Even though I knew I still had support and knew I had people who still loved me greatly, I immediately felt isolated and alone, whether it was true or not. In that final meeting, these words were said, “is there something that you need to tell us” I immediately knew this was a reference to my mental health and that I had started seeing a counselor. I readily admitted I was in a dark place, and now I felt that dark place would be used against me. This is the very thing that so many pastors fear and the very reason why they never share anything about what they are going through or the struggles they have. This meeting would lead to my resignation.

I resigned as pastor, and everything I knew and held dear seemed to be gone. Eight years of ministry went up in flames. I was hurting and reeling; the darkness only seemed to get darker as it closed in on me. I had nowhere to escape; my depression only got deeper, my anxiety became worse, and I struggled immensely. What was I going to do, I will eventually have no way to support my family, and all I know is ministry I started at 19. I sat there in my counselor’s office, and he said, “so when are you going to tell your wife” my response “I will tell her when it gets bad enough,” “so when is that? How do you know when bad is enough has been reached?” “I don’t know,” so “when are going to tell your wife” “I guess I will tell her today.” I was a man that appeared strong and what I am sure as came across as prideful, often overconfident, but I had been reduced to a pile of rubble. I began to justify in my own mind that it was ok to check out. After all, I had a life insurance policy my family would be taken care of. I am a believer, and glory awaits me. I can go to heaven and finally rest. I would not have to worry about dealing with this stuff anymore. That day I left my counselor’s office, and I came home and told my wife and asked her to hide my gun. Darkness had gained a temporary victory. It all had faded to black. The dark clouds that were once over my head had descended into my life; they gripped me so tight I feel I could not breathe.

So many pastors struggle with mental health, and they will never admit it. They will never tell anyone of their anxiety, of their struggles to trust in God, of their hurt. The pastor does not just have his own pain to deal with, but often the pain of those in his congregation, so multiply the pain times 50, the problems times 50, the struggles times 50. As they are busy dealing with everyone else, they fail to deal with themselves, and for many more than we probably realize, it becomes to late. They give in to addictions, to the lust of the world, and yes, some just give in altogether. They feel they have no one who understands, nowhere to turn, and it will only be used against them if they do open up. Even as I write this, I am sure I people will wonder why I would write such a thing. Don’t I know that no church will hire me because I just admitted that I am a weak and flawed person? My comeback is always the same. Then that is a church I would not want to go to anyway. I am weak, and until I embrace my weakness, I will never thrive in ministry. Christ is made strong in my weakness; it is in my weakness where the strength of Christ is fueled. I will not fight against it, but I will embrace it. I know that Christ will lead me to where he wants me I will arrive there right on time, and if that is where I am for now, then I embrace it and trust he will care for me.

Pastors should not feel isolated. They should not be afraid to admit their weakness, struggles, hurts, and heartaches. You see, it only takes one brief moment of weakness for a pastor to end their life. We have seen it in high-profile pastors I wonder how many we never hear about? It does not have to be this way. It is ok to love your pastor; it is ok to meet with him and try to understand and guess what it is ok not to agree and be ok with that understanding that he is the one God has called to lead. You can even still support him.

For whatever reason, at some point and time, we have got it stuck in our mind that individuals are called to defend the church against the pastor because the pastor, after all, is just going to ruin everything. This was the job that Paul gave to Timothy, an elder, not to some random churchgoer because they had been in the church for 50 years. Paul urged Timothy to protect the church against false teaching and to guard the faith he had entrusted to him.

Instead, pastors have been faced with a church bully, and this had led many pastors down some very dark paths as they witness the underside of those who stand against them. I am thankful for a counselor who has pushed me, has not allowed me to get away with just feeling sorry for myself, and has asked me tough questions. Though I am doing far better than I was, I know I am not entirely where I want to be. I know the Lord has a plan and a place for me to use my gifts. What breaks my heart is the number of pastors who are in a similar situation, and they are trying to just push through it all. I am afraid the darkness may overtake them. I have had many pastors thank me, and many reach out to me. But what about all of those who will never reach out to anyone?

If you are a pastor or anyone for that matter reading this and your struggling, you are not alone; others have our struggles, and though I doubt anyone will ever reach out, I just want you to know that if you need it reach out to me. I am not a counselor or therapist but I can listen.

How to have hope amid grief

by Josh Monda | Jan 21, 2022 | Christianity, Mental Health, Uncategorized

How to have hope amid grief

We can have hope amid grief. A grieving person can experience fear, anger,
guilt, and depression. A grieving person may also feel that they are being
judged by others who think that their loss was not as significant or
painful as someone else’s. It is essential for a person experiencing grief
to find people they can open up to about their experiences with loss. This
will help them explore their emotions and find meaning in their
experiences with grief.

How to have hope amid grief

1. The Meaning Of Grief
2. What are some of the effects of grief?
3. Denying Grief
4. How can we work our way through this grieving process?
5. Truths to Remember
6. The Skills Needed

The Meaning Of Grief

The word grief is a derivative of the Latin verb, which means “to burden.”
It is probably the most intense, complex, and prolonged human emotion that
we know of, and it cant be narrowed down to an exact science.

Grief is the only human experience that we must enter voluntarily. If you
think about all other human encounters, they happen to us. Grief is a
choice that we must make. The reason that we choose grief is it helps us
heal. Grief heals, restores, and redeems. Grief changes and transforms
things in our life that have gone badly. Grief is the only place we can go
to get comfort when things in our life go wrong. We have this fantastic
reminder by Solomon concerning grief in Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

It is better to go to the house of mourning

than to go to the house of feasting,

for this is the end of all mankind,

and the living will lay it to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

Grief is where we must go if we are to ever get over our losses; it is
where we must go if we will ever let go. If we want to have room for new
and better things, we must let go and free our souls from the painful
past. If we do not release our losses, we will be stuck emotionally and
spiritually. It does not mean that we forget; it means that we let go.
Otherwise, we will be tied to someone dead and if they are a loved they
would not want that, someone who is unavailable, someone who will never be
able to give us the approval that we long and yearn for and are even
trying to earn, or we will be tied to a fantasy of what we think life
should look like. Whatever this tie is, it is an emotional tie to
something from that past, and it keeps us stuck in our present life.

We are a people who are designed to have finality. We finish things, so
when it comes to grieving losses and pain, we learn to be sad so that our
hearts can one day enjoy happiness. We cry and say the words to get the
loss and pain out.

In grieving, we make this conscious effort to release our attachment to
people, goals, wishes, religious/family systems, or whatever it might be
that we can no longer have.

We so often fail to recognize that we are a people who are made to do
things in community. Grief is no exception to that we need to grieve in
community, and yet so often, we find that we grieve alone. We need to
grieve in community to have the love, support, and comfort we desperately
need in our losses. When we do not have that support, we get stuck in
despair because we do not have a love of others to hold us up enough for
us to let go of our losses. We also need structured activities as part of
grieving things like support groups or a time, space, and place where we
can be heard, empathized with, understood, and supported to give us the
necessary support to engage in the process of grief.

The scriptures tell us, “And taking with him Peter and the two sons of
Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My
soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.”

(Matthew 26:37–38 ESV. Jesus says that His soul was very sorrowful even
unto death if that is not grief, I don’t know what is.

What are some of the effects of grief?

1. Common emotions that are involved in grief

– Bitterness

– Emptiness

– Apathy

– Love

– Anger

– Guilt

– Sadness

– Fear

– Self-pity

– Helplessness

– Hollow

2. Our bodies reflect the grief with physical symptoms like

– Tightness in the chest

– Heart palpitations

– Dry mouth

– Shortness of breath

– Hollowness in the pit of the stomach

– Disrupted sleeping and eating patterns

3. There are some symptoms of normal grief.

– Distorted thinking patterns; irrational or fearful thoughts

– Feelings of despair and hopelessness

– Out of control or numbed emotions

– Changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.)

– Increased irritability

– Increased talking or even reduced communication

– Memory difficulties

– Inability to concentrate

– Obsessive focus on a lost loved one

– Losing track of time

– Increased/decreased appetite

– Increase/decrease sexual desire

– Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

– Dreams in which a deceased loved one visits the griever

– Nightmares that often include a theme of death

– Increase in occurrence of physical illnesses-headaches, stomach
aches, flu, etc.

– Shattered beliefs about God, life, the world, purpose, etc.

4. Grieving includes “mourning.”

– Mourning is derived from the Latin word that means “to be anxious.”

– Mourning is the process of remembering and recalling what was lost.

– It usually causes us to feel anxious or uncomfortable; this is why
we often want to avoid the process.

– Grief is often described in terms that show it is a process

– Stages – We do not pass through stages sequentially

– Phases – Phases often overlap that are rarely distinct

– Tasks – This is usually a more accurate depiction of the process
and implies that the mourner needs to “take action” and “do something.”

5. Grief has a purpose

– There is an expression of experiential feelings about a loss

– It is a protest at a loss as well as a desire to change what
happened and have it not be true

– We acknowledge the effects of the devastating impact of a loss

– The primary purpose of grief is to experience the reactions to face
the loss and begin adapting to it. The only authentic was out of fried is
through it.

– Anyone going through grief must be encouraged to do their work. It
can be postponed or delayed even, but when that happens, the result is
ultimately depression (I know this to be true)

– What often happens when grief is delayed is that instead of feeling
sadness, you feel apathy and a general numbness.

Denying Grief

Denying grief is where so many people land, and for some reason, this
seems common in the Christian world and even more common among pastors.
When we are not encouraged or allow ourselves to go through a grieving
process where we allow the “little deaths” of our losses, our world, and
our relationship are ultimately impacted. So we have this idea that we are
“raising above” our hurt, and instead, we are in denial that we have even
been hurt. So we are refusing to acknowledge and mourn our losses, but
this will eventually surface. When we carry unresolved into future
expereinces and relationships, there will be unrest, conflict, and ongoing
depression. There is also often delayed anger. This is because anger is
far easier to experience than sadness, so anger becomes our go-to. Sadness
keeps our hearts soft towards God and will help prevent eventual
hardheartedness. When we deny sadness, we lose touch with who God is and
His tenderness and His giving of grace. We move into areas where we become
insensitive and cannot feel grief and remorse even over our sin. We are
not a people created to hand the existence of both good and bad in the
same space; God allows sadness as a way for us to deal with our hurts and
our disappointments.

Whenever we deny our need to grieve, we are refusing to say goodbye to
people we love, places, missed opportunities, disappointments, youth,
vitality, health, relationships, or whatever had been “taken away” from
us. This refusal to grieve serves to condemn us and makes us rigid.
Genuine grief is the deep sadness and weeping that expresses the
acceptance or our inability to do anything about our losses and what id
found in every human being’s life. Grief is a reminder to us that we are
not in control of our lives like we think we are or believe we are. When
we are sad, it shows that someone or something matters to us, and we
choose to invest in that person or experience. Shattered commitment has
come at a great cost. There are some things we should understand about
grief.

A. It is intensely person; we cannot compare our process with anyone else.

B. Is difficult work not to be done in isolation.

C. It allows us to make necessary changes in order to live with our losses
in a healthier manner. Our goal is to move from “Why did this happen?” to
“How can I learn through this experience.

Why is a search for meaning and purpose in the loss

How is a search for a way to adjust to the losses

D. Grief will take longer than we expect. It will intensify on the
anniversary etc.

How can we work our way through this grieving process?

1. Make a list of your losses and their effect in your life.

2. Daily statements to say to yourself

3. I believe my grief has a purpose and an end

4. I am responsible for my own grieving process

5. I will not be afraid to ask for help

6. I will try not to rush my recovery process

7. I choose to face the loss and feel the pain, knowing it will end

8. I recognize that the waves of pain will be alternated with lulls
of rest

9. Consider inviting others into your grieving process by sharing
about your loss with them.

10. After you make your grief/loss inventory consider sharing it with
a safe friend or a family member or counselor. Sharing each loss with a
trusted person enables you to honor the relationship, experience, dream,
and have another human validate your experience. This makes it a shared
encounter, not one done in isolation.

11. Have a ceremony as a part of releasing that thing that you need
to get rid of. This will honor the loss and empower you to move forward.

12. Connect with the pain of the loss, which will pave the way to
connecting to the care available to you.

13. Talk about the past, your losses, crushed dreams, and poor
reactions to those hurts. Be willing to be embarrassed, vulnerable,
broken, and needy.

Truths to Remember

found these truths to remember, which I wanted to share.

• The past can’t really impact us, but our present feelings about the past
can.

– If we don’t expose the things of the past to the light of God’s
truth and love through the grieving process, they remain in the darkness
and are essentially alive today, creating fruits of darkness in us.
Disconnected from the transformative power of God’s love and light, they
take on a life of their own and impact present relationships.

– Confession of the past brings experiences to light and opens us up
to transformation. Eph. 5:11, 13 reminds us to “Have nothing to do with
the fruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them…everything
exposed by the light becomes visible.”

– We must know what happened to us, name the sin, be honest about
what we have done, what others have done to us, and name the guilty
parties for us to know who and how to fully forgive. Looking at our past
opens (often re-opens) our souls and memories so that we can accurately
see what we have lost, who was not enough, and how we are trying to make
up for those broken losses in our lives today.

– These truths don’t change the past, but they do redeem it.

– Instructing people to forgive and forget creates great disregard
for the brokenhearted, abused, neglected, and tormented. God highly values
his broken, hurting individuals and commands us to come alongside them to
offer them love, compassion, and healing from their families.

– If our heart is frozen in grief (or we refuse to lean into the
grieving process), we cannot experience the feelings and emotions God
designed us to feel. Many individuals experience “frozen grief” as
depression. Sadness and anger (major components of grief) need somewhere
to go. If we express them and let go of them, we have made room for fresh
experiences and increased joy.

The Skills Needed

Just “moving on” is not enough. Leaders especially need to pay attention
to their losses, to recover and learn from them. In my reading I found a
list of skills that have to occur before we can move on from grief.

1. Connect in a vulnerable way: As much as possible, bring your
losses to relationship. The more you relegate grief to your alone time,
the longer it will take. The more “people time” you allow, the less time
it will take. My therapist told me to make sure I was around people more
often.

2. Value what is no more: don’t dismiss or devalue what you lost it
is easy to say that person was toxic so good riddance. However if that is
our attitude we will never full work through it. Instead, and I know how
hard this is but put some value on the good parts. So that person was
toxic, but they were nice to puppies 🤣.

3. Be sad and say goodbye: Allow yourself to feel the sadness of
losing someone or something. Say goodbye and mean it.

4. Extend forgiveness. Be willing to cancel the debt. What I mean by
this is when someone has wronged you don’t become bitter. You do not have
to forgive them but you must guard your heart and be ready to forgive if
repentance happens. Be ready to cancel the debt.

5. Replace: Don’t make an idol of the lost person or thing. Find
those people who will help you replace whatever contribution it brought to
you.

6. Learn: Losses teach us something about the future. Write down what
you have learned that will help your life moving forward. Then you can use
that memory bank in the future.

7. Adapt: Loss is a reality. Don’t argue with reality, adapt to it
and learn to live well.

How Should A Christian Handle Trauma

by Josh Monda | Nov 17, 2021 | Mental Health, random thoughts, Uncategorized

I know this is a longer post because this is something dear to my heart; hopefully, you can learn something from this. There is a reason why the Bible instructs Christians to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.” (Phil. 4:6). The problem is that trauma can cause people to lose their faith in God. There are many unfortunate things in today’s society, such as natural disasters, terrorist attacks, forms of abuse, losses, and many other things that lead to traumatic experiences.

What is trauma?

Trauma is a psychological term that refers to the emotional response to an event that threatens one’s physical, social, or emotional well-being. Trauma can be defined as an emotional injury that is the result of an adverse event. For Christians, this could be anything from physical abuse to rape to losing a loved one. This trauma can manifest in many ways, but the most common symptom is fear, which is considered multidimensional in traumatic experiences. There are five stages of trauma: -Acute Shock-Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression The best way for a Christian to handle trauma is first by acknowledging it. This will make it easier to deal with. Secondly, they should turn their attention towards God and pray. Lastly, they should seek comfort and help from family, friends and, fellow Christians. However, we all know that often this is not what happens when A Christian experiences trauma; for one reason or another, they feel shame, and instead of dealing with their hurt, they suppress it.

One might ask what exactly are the Causes of Trauma.

A traumatic event is not one’s fault. It is impossible to predict the future and avoid traumatic events, but it is possible to be prepared for them. A person may experience a traumatic event listed below, but we must understand there are many ways to help with trauma, and each person will need a different treatment plan.

Witnessing or experiencing violence

When one witnesses or experiences violence, it is a difficult and traumatic experience. Every year, millions of people fall victim to violence. Their lives are suddenly and irrevocably changed. They may be unable to work, go to school or even feel safe. When violence causes trauma, it can lead to a wide range of mental health problems.

Witnessing the death of loved ones

Every day we live and work, we may experience stress and trauma. Like any other human being, Christians go through difficult life experiences. The death of a loved one is a traumatic event for anyone to experience. Christians have the added need to know whether their loved one believed in Christ or not on top of the desire to know that their loved one knew they loved them.

Witnessing the death of a loved one can be an incredibly traumatic experience.

Witnessing or experiencing sexual assault

Witnessing or experiencing sexual assault can be a very traumatic experience. In some cases, trauma can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is an anxiety disorder that may cause flashbacks and nightmares of the event. It’s important to remember that not everyone who goes through a sexual assault will develop PTSD – the severity of the trauma will determine if a person experiences this mental health issue. Some people may develop sexual assault trauma disorder (SATD), also known as complex trauma disorder. This disorder can include symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance, dissociation, and anxiety. People may also develop a dissociative identity disorder following a trauma such as sexual abuse.

Experiencing physical abuse

Physical abuse is often an experience that people are left to ponder the aftermath of. As a result, the trauma can cause long-term repercussions for victims. What does this mean for Christians who have experienced physical abuse? While it may be difficult to know the answer in every situation, there are steps that Christian individuals can take to process their experience in healthy ways.

Experiencing verbal abuse

The most common response to trauma is to try and push it out of your mind. However, when you experience verbal abuse, this is not always the case.

First off, you may find days when you can’t stop thinking about what was said to you. Secondly, you may find yourself reacting in anger when someone says something similar. Thirdly, there are times when memories of that hurtful event would arise without any triggering event happening, which is called spontaneous recovery.

Experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event

Typically, a traumatic event is a disturbing, violent, or scary experience that someone goes through. That being said, just because someone has been through a traumatic event does not mean it will lead to trauma. If a person can process their emotions and thoughts about the event, they may not experience trauma. An individual should be aware of mental health resources so they can get help if needed. This way, they have the resources to maintain healthy relationships with themselves and others.

Does trauma happen to Christians?

Obviously, one can look at just a small portion of traumatic events listed and know that Christians experience trauma. The problem arises when “well-meaning” Christians want to treat trauma as something that is not real, or they have the attitude that trauma can be prayed away or even worse that if you are going through trauma, you must lack faith.

Are Christians traumatized? Yes.

Are they traumatized by the same things non-Christians are? Yes.

How should Christians respond to trauma?

Many Christians experience trauma and find themselves unable to cope with the stressors that come with it due to the lack of resources and counseling. Churches especially can be a great resource because they provide a sense of community and knowing that someone else has been through what you’re going through. Churches also can be a place to go to get counseling and support. Christians should first find out what they are experiencing as trauma. How do you know if you are experiencing trauma?

People with trauma often experience a lot of the following symptoms:

– Feeling detached from others

– Feeling isolated

– Feeling hyper-aroused

– Feeling numb

– Feeling angry

– Feeling sad

– Feeling depressed

– Feeling anxious

– Feeling overwhelmed

– Feeling frustrated

– Having trouble concentrating

– Having trouble sleeping

– Having trouble eating

In addition, people who have been traumatized can have these symptoms:

– Agitation and irritability

– Low self-esteem

– Sleep problems

– Impulsivity

– Feeling suicidal

– Thinking of harming themselves or others

– Impulsively acting out

– Having trouble controlling their anger

– Inability to trust others

– Having trouble making decisions

– Having trouble being assertive

– Having trouble focusing

Treatment can help reduce the symptoms of trauma.

Healing takes time, so you need to be patient with yourself and allow God’s power to work on you.

How can one work through memories of trauma?

In the past, when people were traumatized, they might feel guilty about what happened because they thought that they were supposed to be strong and that they were supposed to be able to get through it. They might have thought that they deserved the trauma. A therapist can help you take a different perspective that would change your entire life.

If you are ready to work through your trauma, there are a few things you should do.

– Talk to someone about your trauma. Especially someone who will understand. This person might be a friend or a family member, a pastor, or a counselor.

– Get the help of a therapist. If you are in a relationship, this person can help you work through your trauma.

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, it is not uncommon for a person to experience a great deal of anxiety and fear. The resulting feelings can cause significant stress and instability in their lives. It can also lead to mental health concerns such as depression, insomnia, and social withdrawal. These symptoms are very challenging to manage because they leave the individual feeling much worse about themselves and their situation.

Getting Help

If you have gone through trauma, I want to encourage you to get help.

Trauma can be tough. It can leave us feeling alone and afraid, and we might suppress our emotions for years after the event happens. It is essential to know that there is hope and healing available. One way to do this is through talk therapy: talking to a therapist about what happened and their feelings. Another option is through prayer: praying and seeking support from God and others to find peace again. Please reach out, even if it is to me. You do not need to carry this burden alone.

Conclusion:

How the Scriptures encourage us to handle trauma.

Many people find themselves in situations where they are faced with traumatic events. After these events occur, many people are left with questions about handling the trauma they have experienced. They may experience intense feelings of anger, disappointment, grief, or guilt. The scriptures encourage us to be gentle and kind to ourselves and others and accept that God’s peace is found in Christ. Your own personal relationship with God is not based on your ability to do something but on your willingness to receive God’s grace. You may be wondering how a Christian should go about handling trauma with the Bible. After all, the Bible speaks extensively on how we should live when things are going well and when they are difficult. Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you.” Matthew 11:28.

The Bible was written by people who experienced trauma during their lifetime. A Christian should not be afraid to discuss these experiences with God and other Christians. God wants to help us all heal, but sometimes it may take time and be difficult. God will do everything in His power to help us heal.

I close with this.

Every human being will experience trauma. It is impossible to go through life without experiencing some type of trauma. As a Christian, you, too, will encounter tragedy and hardship. However, God has promised to never leave us or forsake us.

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